Last night after supper I was sitting on the couch reading SlaveCraft, a book written by “a grateful slave” and edited by Guy Baldwin, a well known man in the BDSM/leather communities.
As I was reading , something clicked in me at a level I had not felt (when alone) for many years. When I was in Papa’s home I felt it though. I felt it simply huddling at his feet…something that I think surprised him the first time I did it for no other reason than to be that close to him.
I felt “right”. When I was visiting Papa I had not gone with the expectation that he would take me as his or that he would offer me the chance to serve him. To be honest I thought the opposite. That changed when we met in person, but I think it’s important that I did not go with the knowledge that it existed as a possibility. I went on feeling, on desire…and I found myself finding joy in small tasks that in themselves lacked any real erotic aspect.
Master had told me he was to have friends over that evening for a BBQ and asked me to help him get ready for it. I found myself cleaning the grates on the grill to a degree that I think some felt was unnecessary as we were going to be grilling on it again that evening. I found myself cleaning up his kitchen, and finding joy in taking out his garbage. Even simply carrying the groceries out of the store, to the car, out of the car and to his home registered in me something that said “This is what you do, this is what feels right”.
I wore Master’s chain that entire trip, save the times he removed it from my throat when I would shower. I still wear it…although on work days I have to keep the chain and tag concealed under work wear.
In SlaveCraft, a grateful slave states that slaves often need to re-center themselves. We do this through a number of ways, sometimes by reminding ourselves of the moments when we were in our place, others by touching our collars, and still others simply by having contact with our Master who reminds us of our purpose. I find myself in those words. Sure, I will sometimes tug at Master’s collar to remind me and re-center me that distance is not forever. I also know that my collar has 14 links in it, connected at the middle by a ring. But more than the physical tug, I often find myself messaging him, selfishly wanting his contact. In some ways, I originally saw that contact and that yearning as me being willful and selfish. But something in the text caught my eye.
A grateful slave states that the difference between a submissive or a bottom and a slave is not necessarily in action but rather in intent. He uses the example of licking Master’s boots. A submissive or a bottom licks Master’s boots because it turns him on, and because Master wants it. When he does this, they both get what they want., but they get them from different aspects. Submissive gets pleasure out of the act, Master gets pleasure out of the act. But when the submissive cums or is no longer interested, he stops. The slave only stops when he can no longer physically perform the task or is instructed to stop. Master gets what he wants and gets pleasure out of the act. The slave gets pleasure out of Master getting pleasure. This is the key.
When I brought Master his drinks, served his friends drinks, and waited until last to eat, I found pleasure in Master being pleased with my performance. And its not that I did it for sex…when Master put me in chastity for two weeks, I found pleasure in it because it gave him pleasure.
Looking back on my life, I realized most of my actions were in service to others and those things brought me pleasure. I was directed to religion out of a sense of service to some higher power. My profession is inherently directed at serving other people and is something I am good at. I always felt like I functioned best in submission to others, but true joy came from those who recognized and honored my submission. I found that in Master. In Frank Hebert’s Dune, the Bene Gesserit Sisterhood’s motto was “We exist only to serve”. I don’t think I exist only to serve…but I do think my service gives my existence so much more happiness and meaning.
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