My latest trip to the frigid North Central part of the US went well. A lot of things in my home life have been pretty rough though, particularly due to interactions with my ex (who I live with as well as a roommate).

I'm to a point now where a large part of me doesn't want to respond anymore when people ask me why im being quiet, particularly my roommate. When I try to talk to him about serious things that are bothering me, he laughs at them or tells me to get over it. Same with my ex, although he doesn't laugh..he just glares at me like im a freak and all. In his defense, he never asks me whats wrong so I guess me sharing is the problem more so than what im sharing.

Last night I pushed myself at the gym despite my shoulder being very sore. A large part of me just wanted to push through it, to give myself something to believe in. When the roomie asked me what was wrong, I told him nothing (the typical response everyone in the household but me usually gives). Except, unlike Sir, he took it at face value and went on, even though clearly something was bothering me.

I worry when im honest I push people away. I've been told people dont want to hear that, and I know even at times my venting regarding my home life has to bother Sir, even if only from a standpoint of him not being able to do much because he is far away. I'm just not happy with my life right now. I also don't feel like I have much control over the situation I'm currently in and my coping mechanisms don't work too well. At least I'm not drinking everyday, but still :P

I feel like I did when I was a teenager, only now without the suicidal feelings. I know I have a positive future ahead of me and people who love me, I know this to be true. But when day in and day out I feel like the people I live with see me more as a nuisicance than anything else, it makes it hard to push through the days with a real smile on. At best, I manage a fake one on the outside.