The Story of O

I’m currently at 36,000 feet and about 600 miles away from Portland as I write this. (edit, I posted it a few days after landing, but have back dated the post) I have been reading the “Story of O”, a rather infamous story from BDSM culture and literature that was written in the 1960’s and tells the tale of “O” a slave and her journey. You can find synopses on the net of this story and what it means.

This trip back home was a mixed bag of emotions, from anger at my mentally ill mother and bigoted father, to a new found respect for my brother and an openness with him that I had not had prior. With the exception of the time when I was in a dress shirt and/or suit for funeral arrangements, I was wearing Sir’s collar. In fact, my brother even asked me about it. Here is where the story I guess got interesting. My brother owned the copy of “The Story of O” and lent it to me to read. He never came out expressly and said why, but he and his wife had seen my collar and said nothing of it, even though my brother read the tag when I was in the washroom.

Throughout the trip I wanted attention and affection…which came out with me hounding Sir with a lot of texts and pictures which in retrospect was not proper of me. Even as I read The Story of O, my knowledge of the Old Guard and the like….I feel like my purpose is to make him happy, content, satisfied and be the caretaker of his health and home. He is a protective bear, and I adore that…I loved when we were together and he would pull me close if we were walking somewhere busy, or when he fawn over me a bit…its intoxicating to me. But at the same time I realize he needs his own space, for his husband, his beloved pets, and for his own relaxation time (something he gets far too little of). I want to help him in those areas but I cannot do much more than I am at this point, but I can reduce the amount of needyness I project to him.

The other thing I spent a lot of time thinking about was a rather Old Guard concept of marking. While in the furry/k9/puppy play sense marking can be an ownership and dominance ritual, there are more public rituals like the collar, the brand, “grooming” issues, and other behaviors which are often more ritualistic and formal but also a constant reminder of ones place. I wear Sir’s collar and his alone. He named me a name that he liked that suited me, and we have talked in depth about him having me get my genitals pierced with him there, directing it all…something that both makes my loins burn and my ears flatten on my head while I blush. I love that. I love the ritual of changing myself to better suit him, or marks that convey dominance, ownership, ect…and of rituals together that we create together that are personal. Even if it is a mode of greeting, a certain protocol, ect. One thing we do is me serving him drinks, something that brings me great joy. Cooking for him is something I’ve been able to do only rarely, but also something I enjoy. I love our power dynamic, I love how he can look at me and I know immediately what that look means. He doesn’t have to cane me, his disapproval or worse…possible disappointment is more pain that I could bear.

The Story of O is a great fantasy novel. Not a life one would want to live everyday, as O is passed around from master to master without a real sense of connection with any of them. Maybe this was a plot point to demonstrate she was an object to be used rather than something with feelings. I didn't care for that part. I couldn't imagine caring so little emotionally for one's master.