My ex's visitor is driving me crazy. It's like he has an answer for everything and keeps wanting to show off with his knowledge. I know some of that is to impress my ex, but its getting on my nerves. That, and he's following me around. I don't know why he wants me to like him. I'm being polite, but its hard to be polite when you've been relocated to another room and he's making accommodations for that person that he never made for you. I'm also trying to ignore the incessant humming. I think I'm taking little things too personally.
Anyway, yesterday was a bit rough for me. I did something I feel bad about. I had sent a few messages off to Sir and his husband and hadn't heard anything back. (It turned out they had been hanging out with other folks and Sir spent most of the day gaming). But I worried because I hadn't heard from them. Eventually I caught Sir before bed and he called me because he was concerned. He wasn't angry by any means, but I suddenly felt bad because he was trying to relax all day and what I realized was that he was worried I had felt neglected. I was both happy he was concerned about my feelings and upset with myself that I didn't let him relax as much as I could have.
This is an issue I've talked about with my therapist before. Some of it is a validation piece, but a lot is issues from my childhood about needing reassurance things are okay (both relationship wise and just general existence wise). When I was a young boy, my parents (who belonged to a very strict Christian evangelical sect) would speak of the rapture and being left behind for being a sinner….and I spent so many days coming home from school terrified when I couldn't find them and there was no note that I was left behind. The fear in that still grips me to this day in other realms outside of spirituality. I didn't think Sir had been pulled up in the rapture, but I was worried something had happened. I need to work on that.
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