Lately I haven't been sleeping well. When sleep comes, I dream of horrific things...nightmares....and when sleep doesn't come I just lay there wondering what's wrong with me. My nightmares all have similar themes and as someone trained in Jungian dream interpretation, I get it. But it doesn't make them any less horrific...or awful. And they leave me with the thoughts...thoughts so common with those nightmares...
In my dreams, I die a horrifically painful, cruel death...or I kill myself in horrific, cruel ways to end a greater suffering. And I awaken, panting, soaked in sweat and terrified with my heart beating a mile a minute. As I lay there in the dark, the thoughts come to me...would anyone find me? How long would it take for them to realize I wasn't there? Would work do a welfare check if I didn't show up?
There's a comfort in having roommates because they notice when you don't come home, when you don't get up in the morning...or when you lie around crying all day. It's part of it. They may not offer you the comfort you want, but they notice. When you don't have that...you realize that if you didn't text others, it might be a couple days before someone messages you. And if someone does and you don't respond, they may just think that you got busy and probably wouldn't worry too much about it. It's so easy to wear a mask, tell people you are okay, send instant messages with smiley emoticons...and be crying when you send them.
I know the science and psychology behind it all, but it doesn't make it easier, nor does it make me feel less alone. When I take my mask off, people tell me to put it back on. It's hard not having people know who you really are. It's a fact, people would rather you smile and be happy. Because when you are happy, they don't have to think about it. Change is hard. It's neither good nor bad. But right now I'm going through a storm of change, and I somedays I worry I may not have the resiliency or connection to make it through it all.
~b
01 September 2013
24 August 2013
A new place, a new start
I moved to the Midwest this month and am now settled into my new place. I still need to buy some shelving and a TV when I start getting paid (moving is really expensive).
This is a new start for me and a new set of experiences. I've never really lived on my own before and this is my first time living alone with no room-mates or partners. It's interesting to say the least. The freedom to decorate the way I want is REALLY nice, although not being able to hang things on the walls is frustrating me. Those 3M strips are kind of garbage. So aside from trying to figure all of that out and not put a hole in the wall, and figuring out finances, it's been an interesting experience (yes, I know I've said interesting multiple times).
I live on the outskirts of a nice neighborhood, in a less nice neighborhood. My apartment is sorta underground too, which is kinda neat. I haven't started work yet so I've had a lot of free time to myself. Once I get some finances coming in I'll be able to get a desk too, which will make playing video games easier. The free time has been neat but also a bit overwhelming. I've made some friends here too.
In a sexual sense, this level of privacy has been intoxicating. The ability to play when I want, wear what I want around the house, and to have a shower shot set up my shower is perfect. And if I want to entertain a gentleman, I have a nice king size bed (no more futon). So maybe my posts here will drift more sexy, now that I have plenty of privacy and freedom.
*smirks*
This is a new start for me and a new set of experiences. I've never really lived on my own before and this is my first time living alone with no room-mates or partners. It's interesting to say the least. The freedom to decorate the way I want is REALLY nice, although not being able to hang things on the walls is frustrating me. Those 3M strips are kind of garbage. So aside from trying to figure all of that out and not put a hole in the wall, and figuring out finances, it's been an interesting experience (yes, I know I've said interesting multiple times).
I live on the outskirts of a nice neighborhood, in a less nice neighborhood. My apartment is sorta underground too, which is kinda neat. I haven't started work yet so I've had a lot of free time to myself. Once I get some finances coming in I'll be able to get a desk too, which will make playing video games easier. The free time has been neat but also a bit overwhelming. I've made some friends here too.
In a sexual sense, this level of privacy has been intoxicating. The ability to play when I want, wear what I want around the house, and to have a shower shot set up my shower is perfect. And if I want to entertain a gentleman, I have a nice king size bed (no more futon). So maybe my posts here will drift more sexy, now that I have plenty of privacy and freedom.
*smirks*
27 July 2013
Crying...
I screwed up with Sir and I don't know how to remedy it. The circumstances are not important here, but the mistake I made was with my desire to be better and to not upset him, so it doubly hurt when I failed. I know I screwed up, but I'm terrified it angered him to the point of him thinking I'm too much to handle and that he's going to feel like I'm not worth dealing with.
I think disappointing your Dominant is probably the most painful thing I've ever felt, even moreso than him yelling at me. *hides* I hope he forgives me. I'd do anything for this to not be the thing that ends us. :(
I think disappointing your Dominant is probably the most painful thing I've ever felt, even moreso than him yelling at me. *hides* I hope he forgives me. I'd do anything for this to not be the thing that ends us. :(
Moving soon.
As summer is upon us in full swing, I've been preparing for my move from the Pacific Northwest to the Midwest for a job.
This move is a big one for me. For the first time ever I'll be truly living on my own, no room mates or partners to speak of. While anxiety provoking to be sure, it's also kind of exciting. I'll have my own place to set up, decorate, and really live in as mine. I'm hoping the coming year will bring about a series of things for me, so I figured I would list them here as sort of a "things to keep in mind".
1. Finding myself (is that all? lol)
- I mean this more in a "who am I" when not constrained by the responsibilities to other people that I have had in my life. Without parents or room mates, I'll be able to do what I want, when I want, where I want, and how I want. I'm hoping to find who I am in all of that. Who the pup is when he isn't trying to be everything to everyone else around him. (Though I'll still have to work and be a respectable human being 9-5)
2. Figure out and live my spirituality.
-Similar to number 1, but the availability to have a altar out in the open, to do ceremony when and where I feel, and to be able to smudge or burn incense without room mates complaining that they dont like the smell, ect.
3. Dietary changes
- This is oddly one of the biggest. As there is a rather strict diet my doctor would prefer I live on, I aim to implement this fully after I move. Without having to eat what others cook or fight for the right to use the kitchen we share, it'll be totally on me if I cheat or don't follow my plan. Theoretically, this change could bring about HUGE changes for my body and health.
4. Explore and live my sexuality
-This is a little more complicated, but I'm hoping to get involved in the local Bear and Kink communities while I am there, at least for the social aspect of it. Health issues (physical) make my obvious social anxieties worse, so I'm hoping making more friends will help with some of that. If nothing else, from a solo position, being able to play solo or host if/when I want is a big plus.
This move is a big one for me. For the first time ever I'll be truly living on my own, no room mates or partners to speak of. While anxiety provoking to be sure, it's also kind of exciting. I'll have my own place to set up, decorate, and really live in as mine. I'm hoping the coming year will bring about a series of things for me, so I figured I would list them here as sort of a "things to keep in mind".
1. Finding myself (is that all? lol)
- I mean this more in a "who am I" when not constrained by the responsibilities to other people that I have had in my life. Without parents or room mates, I'll be able to do what I want, when I want, where I want, and how I want. I'm hoping to find who I am in all of that. Who the pup is when he isn't trying to be everything to everyone else around him. (Though I'll still have to work and be a respectable human being 9-5)
2. Figure out and live my spirituality.
-Similar to number 1, but the availability to have a altar out in the open, to do ceremony when and where I feel, and to be able to smudge or burn incense without room mates complaining that they dont like the smell, ect.
3. Dietary changes
- This is oddly one of the biggest. As there is a rather strict diet my doctor would prefer I live on, I aim to implement this fully after I move. Without having to eat what others cook or fight for the right to use the kitchen we share, it'll be totally on me if I cheat or don't follow my plan. Theoretically, this change could bring about HUGE changes for my body and health.
4. Explore and live my sexuality
-This is a little more complicated, but I'm hoping to get involved in the local Bear and Kink communities while I am there, at least for the social aspect of it. Health issues (physical) make my obvious social anxieties worse, so I'm hoping making more friends will help with some of that. If nothing else, from a solo position, being able to play solo or host if/when I want is a big plus.
05 May 2013
Masks and darkness
I'm not talking about puppy or bondage masks here, but maybe I should be. The masks of which I speak are the ones we wear to hide ourselves from the judgments and harsh views of other people. On of the things you learn when you work in mental health is how to compartmentalize...in fact, you couldn't do your job if you did not separate areas of your life from your work.
At the same time, many of us who work in mental health are like shamans...wounded healers using our wisdom and ability to empathize to help other people. When it comes to clients, I empathize...I connect on a deep level with my clients and I have consistently gotten feedback in my training that I have an uncanny ability to meet people where they are at and to help them make changes in their lives.
But who am I when I get home? That's more complicated. Most days, even to coworkers, I put on a facade of happiness. I do this with family, friends, Sir, my coworkers, even my clients. I know we all have to at times, but I exist in my mask. My therapist says I obtained this ability when I was younger by learning early in my development that to ask for what I want and need would result in punishment at the worst, nuisance at the least. But even in my adult life, this has not changed. I find when people tell me to truly tell them how I feel or what I'm thinking, they stop listening. They try to fix my problems or worse, tell me abstractly about their own problems as a way to change the subject. And like a good therapist, I focus on their problems and secretly hate myself for letting them know I had any.
Children have this unique ability to pick up on subtle cues. When you have childhood trauma, this is amplified many times. You can read people and situations...feel tension and pressure in a room or in an interaction at a level most cannot. You notice when people you care about frequently share about their own anxieties, tensions, stressors and worries...and from what they say and you have learned, you know that talking about yours will only add to theirs. You also fear they will look at you differently...like they will see how broken and cracked you are...and they will hate you for it as much as you hate yourself.
My own therapist once said that psychologists are a uniquely wounded bunch, because we are, in many ways, like the shamans of the tribe. We "suck out the poison" so others may walk around and feel less negative things, and we neutralize it in our own times. But when we get overwhelmed we become the poisoned and this leads to professional burn out. A humorous example of this was in the TV show 30 Rock when Kenneth acts as therapist for Liz and the staff, but then becomes overwhelmed by her problems that it takes Jack to act as HIS therapist to crush these problems in his "mind vice".
The point I guess of this is that it is not simply enough to write about one's problems to get them out. It's the feeling that someone actually CARES about the problems and is willing to listen without trying to fix or change them. It's knowing they will comment on them if its online, rather than simply reading it and pretending like they didn't unless it's brought up. It's knowing that they won't be in a foul mood afterwards or throw it back in your face if the information they learn makes them upset or depresses them. Maybe it's because I do this day in and day out that I can hear people's problems without making them totally my own. Maybe other people just don't do that. If that's the case, I'm going to be very lonely for a very very long time. I know in my current living situation, my roommates live with blinders on. I can see when they are in a bad mood when I walk in the door, but they walk around oblivious (or not caring) when I am upset. I should get to bed. Happy Cinco de Mayo everyone.
At the same time, many of us who work in mental health are like shamans...wounded healers using our wisdom and ability to empathize to help other people. When it comes to clients, I empathize...I connect on a deep level with my clients and I have consistently gotten feedback in my training that I have an uncanny ability to meet people where they are at and to help them make changes in their lives.
But who am I when I get home? That's more complicated. Most days, even to coworkers, I put on a facade of happiness. I do this with family, friends, Sir, my coworkers, even my clients. I know we all have to at times, but I exist in my mask. My therapist says I obtained this ability when I was younger by learning early in my development that to ask for what I want and need would result in punishment at the worst, nuisance at the least. But even in my adult life, this has not changed. I find when people tell me to truly tell them how I feel or what I'm thinking, they stop listening. They try to fix my problems or worse, tell me abstractly about their own problems as a way to change the subject. And like a good therapist, I focus on their problems and secretly hate myself for letting them know I had any.
Children have this unique ability to pick up on subtle cues. When you have childhood trauma, this is amplified many times. You can read people and situations...feel tension and pressure in a room or in an interaction at a level most cannot. You notice when people you care about frequently share about their own anxieties, tensions, stressors and worries...and from what they say and you have learned, you know that talking about yours will only add to theirs. You also fear they will look at you differently...like they will see how broken and cracked you are...and they will hate you for it as much as you hate yourself.
My own therapist once said that psychologists are a uniquely wounded bunch, because we are, in many ways, like the shamans of the tribe. We "suck out the poison" so others may walk around and feel less negative things, and we neutralize it in our own times. But when we get overwhelmed we become the poisoned and this leads to professional burn out. A humorous example of this was in the TV show 30 Rock when Kenneth acts as therapist for Liz and the staff, but then becomes overwhelmed by her problems that it takes Jack to act as HIS therapist to crush these problems in his "mind vice".
The point I guess of this is that it is not simply enough to write about one's problems to get them out. It's the feeling that someone actually CARES about the problems and is willing to listen without trying to fix or change them. It's knowing they will comment on them if its online, rather than simply reading it and pretending like they didn't unless it's brought up. It's knowing that they won't be in a foul mood afterwards or throw it back in your face if the information they learn makes them upset or depresses them. Maybe it's because I do this day in and day out that I can hear people's problems without making them totally my own. Maybe other people just don't do that. If that's the case, I'm going to be very lonely for a very very long time. I know in my current living situation, my roommates live with blinders on. I can see when they are in a bad mood when I walk in the door, but they walk around oblivious (or not caring) when I am upset. I should get to bed. Happy Cinco de Mayo everyone.
25 April 2013
Pre-therapy
I have therapy in the morning again, and to be honest I'm dreading it a bit.
Other than processing past traumas, reopening wounds of the past with different knives and eyes, this sums up pretty much my emotions as of late.
My expectations sabotage me. But my therapist says there is a line between not expecting perfection and not allowing others to recreate the mistakes of the past. My past mistakes are allowing men I'm dating/fucking/in love with to do things with others they won't/can't do with me...not fighting for my own rights in relationships, and allowing others to take advantage of me. It's hard to combat that when you are a submissive and it feels like it goes against everything you know to say "I want and need this".
Other than processing past traumas, reopening wounds of the past with different knives and eyes, this sums up pretty much my emotions as of late.
My expectations sabotage me. But my therapist says there is a line between not expecting perfection and not allowing others to recreate the mistakes of the past. My past mistakes are allowing men I'm dating/fucking/in love with to do things with others they won't/can't do with me...not fighting for my own rights in relationships, and allowing others to take advantage of me. It's hard to combat that when you are a submissive and it feels like it goes against everything you know to say "I want and need this".
15 April 2013
I'm back
It's been a long time since I posted, but so much has happened.
While all of it isn't appropriate to post here, I will say that it's been a rough few months. From a personal standpoint, I've been struggling...and really trying to find ways to open myself up emotionally and sexually.
I'm also discovering there are things I want and need sexually that Sir isn't in to providing. It isn't a judgement on him, it is just that being apart...there are things I need to feel sexual and sexually connected that I don't get. I'm still trying to figure out how to get those needs met. Anyway, I wanted to update this blog, and hopefully will be more diligent in updating. I don't think folks actually read it, but it'd be good for me to do regardless.
While all of it isn't appropriate to post here, I will say that it's been a rough few months. From a personal standpoint, I've been struggling...and really trying to find ways to open myself up emotionally and sexually.
I'm also discovering there are things I want and need sexually that Sir isn't in to providing. It isn't a judgement on him, it is just that being apart...there are things I need to feel sexual and sexually connected that I don't get. I'm still trying to figure out how to get those needs met. Anyway, I wanted to update this blog, and hopefully will be more diligent in updating. I don't think folks actually read it, but it'd be good for me to do regardless.
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