When my shrink asked me "Are you an anxious guy?" I responded "Yes, I am." This would not have been my answer if you asked me 5 or even 10 years ago, despite it being true then as well.
One of my turn ons in BDSM practice is spanking/whipping/pain play as well as humiliation scenes and daddy/boy power dynamics. I also have a trigger in that area too, which makes my mind sometimes an interesting place. But what I find most interesting is I know in my head, almost like an instinct when something is a scene versus it being real. I watch videos of people who have been horribly abused as I have, and I'm triggered and get anxious. I see people fight and almost come to blows in arguments and I get triggered....and yet, nothing makes me more aroused then a humiliation scene where I'm being degraded or having pain inflicted upon me, and I'm in no way anxious in those moments.
It's wonderful, scary and curious all at the same time. More to come later though, I have a lot of reading to do before bed.
04 August 2012
21 July 2012
Sadness and the end of an assignment
Today was the end of an assignment I had for the past week that involved a ball stretcher and pics twice a day. The end of this assignment is filled with sadness. Both because I like having active things to work on or contracted to do...but also because the end of it passed and was like a non-event.
I'm not going to go into it on here, but I'm clearly obsessing right now. Maybe I'm boycrazy or it's my abandonment/neglect/daddy issues...I need to get a lock on this before I fuck up what good I have going for me.
I'm not going to go into it on here, but I'm clearly obsessing right now. Maybe I'm boycrazy or it's my abandonment/neglect/daddy issues...I need to get a lock on this before I fuck up what good I have going for me.
07 July 2012
Closer to the Edge
When I was growing up in a small town in Texas, music was a way that I was able to connect with the right side of my brain and discover ways to cope with the mental anguish I was suffering through. The Cher album "Living Proof" had been one of the albums that really helped me through some difficult times....in particular, the track "Song for the Lonely."
Since the beginning of this year, I have endured quite a bit of suffering and my ego has been broken. I have felt some of the deepest sorrows, deep love, and quite a bit of self doubt regarding my future and what I've been doing with the past 8 years of my life in undergrad and graduate school. So I started therapy this year, and it has been incredible. Lately the band "Thirty Seconds to Mars" has been one of those bands whose songs have helped me endure, learn more about myself, and to cope with the intense emotions I've been feeling. I've been trying to figure out who I am...to remove the masks I've worn since I was 14. The religious, family masks, professional masks and the expectations of everyone around me. In the past year I've shed my former religious beliefs and have been trying to figure out what I believe...what I believe without the lenses I was forced into as a child.
It's been hard. I'd love to say I've come to some place of understanding or a place of piece where I can say without a doubt that I know what I believe or who I am. I can't say that. But I have found things that speak to me more than others. And I hope it continues.
Since the beginning of this year, I have endured quite a bit of suffering and my ego has been broken. I have felt some of the deepest sorrows, deep love, and quite a bit of self doubt regarding my future and what I've been doing with the past 8 years of my life in undergrad and graduate school. So I started therapy this year, and it has been incredible. Lately the band "Thirty Seconds to Mars" has been one of those bands whose songs have helped me endure, learn more about myself, and to cope with the intense emotions I've been feeling. I've been trying to figure out who I am...to remove the masks I've worn since I was 14. The religious, family masks, professional masks and the expectations of everyone around me. In the past year I've shed my former religious beliefs and have been trying to figure out what I believe...what I believe without the lenses I was forced into as a child.
It's been hard. I'd love to say I've come to some place of understanding or a place of piece where I can say without a doubt that I know what I believe or who I am. I can't say that. But I have found things that speak to me more than others. And I hope it continues.
30 June 2012
Fifty Shades
Anyone in the BDSM world has probably read BDSM fiction long before it was made popular and mainstream (Fifty Shades of Grey, anyone?). Way back in the late 50's, a French book called "The Story of O" shocked many people (and to this day is one of my favorite books on my shelf).
I picked up the "Fifty Shades" trilogy though, because I love romance novels and also because I love power dynamics. While I could turn this into a book report, I won't. I am almost done with the second book of the trilogy, but what stands out the most to me is how much I identify with the characters. Granted, the female lead characters "on again, off again" attraction to kink is off putting, as is her blatant disrespect and the games she plays with the Male Dom in the story. But regardless, there is something underneath it that stands out to me.
The two characters playful banter back and forth, the way you clearly see the Dominant man is basically in charge in a protective manner (and usually sexually as well)...but there is also this constant checking in...a sense of "I want to take care of you, protect you" and the female lead hopes, someday even love her. The Dom so clearly wants her to be happy, and also refers to himself as "Fifty shades of fucked up" (hence the title)...not fucked up because of his desire to inflict pain, but his past. Like any good character, his great looks and charm hides a dark side, a dark painful past he's trying to move past and she cannot understand. She also struggles with the common "Why would someone who has everything, looks, money, power, fame, ect, love her?" She is not a submissive really, she does not get into the heavy BDSM that he is used to....and yet, they both work through their inadequate feelings and become closer.
I feel like, in my own life, that I took am fifty shades of fucked up. I carry within me a degree of self-loathing from childhood that I have never really shaken. A past of relationships where I felt used, and happy to be used, as long as the other would love me. But I didn't know what love was. I confused attention (bad or good) for affection, genuine attraction for novelty, and to this day I carry around a peace keeping attitude only the child of an alcoholic could have. In my household, I "check in" on my roommates, I ask them how they are...when they say "Fine" and its clear from their tone they are not, I shift into that "how can I help" mode that only pushes most men away.
The nightmares of my inadequacy, self-loathing, and doubt in myself are like specters that haunt my life. They have haunted me since childhood. And yet, on some nights, I still wake up screaming in a cold sweat.
~bailey
I picked up the "Fifty Shades" trilogy though, because I love romance novels and also because I love power dynamics. While I could turn this into a book report, I won't. I am almost done with the second book of the trilogy, but what stands out the most to me is how much I identify with the characters. Granted, the female lead characters "on again, off again" attraction to kink is off putting, as is her blatant disrespect and the games she plays with the Male Dom in the story. But regardless, there is something underneath it that stands out to me.
The two characters playful banter back and forth, the way you clearly see the Dominant man is basically in charge in a protective manner (and usually sexually as well)...but there is also this constant checking in...a sense of "I want to take care of you, protect you" and the female lead hopes, someday even love her. The Dom so clearly wants her to be happy, and also refers to himself as "Fifty shades of fucked up" (hence the title)...not fucked up because of his desire to inflict pain, but his past. Like any good character, his great looks and charm hides a dark side, a dark painful past he's trying to move past and she cannot understand. She also struggles with the common "Why would someone who has everything, looks, money, power, fame, ect, love her?" She is not a submissive really, she does not get into the heavy BDSM that he is used to....and yet, they both work through their inadequate feelings and become closer.
I feel like, in my own life, that I took am fifty shades of fucked up. I carry within me a degree of self-loathing from childhood that I have never really shaken. A past of relationships where I felt used, and happy to be used, as long as the other would love me. But I didn't know what love was. I confused attention (bad or good) for affection, genuine attraction for novelty, and to this day I carry around a peace keeping attitude only the child of an alcoholic could have. In my household, I "check in" on my roommates, I ask them how they are...when they say "Fine" and its clear from their tone they are not, I shift into that "how can I help" mode that only pushes most men away.
The nightmares of my inadequacy, self-loathing, and doubt in myself are like specters that haunt my life. They have haunted me since childhood. And yet, on some nights, I still wake up screaming in a cold sweat.
~bailey
28 May 2012
Why melancholia is healthy at times
The word melancholia is one of those words that brings with it significant weight. The American Heritage Medical Dictionary defines it as : A mental disorder characterized by depression, apathy, and withdrawal.
I feel melancholic, and have felt that way for a few weeks. I told my therapist this, how I dread going into work. Not because of my work load or my clients, but the politics and the negativity. It drains me in a way it hadn't before. Maybe my therapist was right, that when I stopped hiding from my emotions and took my mask off it'd hurt more, it'd drain more, and it'd make my home life more depressing. And yet at the same time I find it also more real. I have my own room now, my own bed...my own space. I sleep better at night and even though my health has consistently fallen in the past few weeks, I still FEEL better and more rested.
I've disconnected socially though. It's hard to return emails. It's hard, but I force myself to go to school, to attend class and not to skip work. I read more. And I find myself CRAVING affection and sexual attention. Not sex per say, but that "need" to feel lusted after and attractive. Maybe I'm low on testosterone. Maybe its because I'm 27 and have never really had an "active" sex life save for weekends visiting someone a couple times per year. It's not that I'm not horny, I just dont have an outlet. I'm too self conscious about my skin due to my psoriasis to hook up with people I dont know, and people I do know either live too far away to do anything, or want nothing to do with me sexually. Even roleplaying online, sexting or that sort would do it, but they want real life or nothing. Even Sir often says "You'll be here soon, then we'll have fun" and I know he's telling me the truth. I also know that doesn't help at all in the moment since I'm feeling lonely and horny.
Anyway, this disconnect is a combination of being overwhelmed with my family drama (my bio-dad), work drama (politics, changes, and culture), school drama (suicide and interpersonal issues) and my home life (finding out things I feared and feeling like I'm not wanted here). So then why, as my title says, am I saying it might be healthy? Because I'm doing a ton of work in therapy, and I'm working to understand how my past experiences with my family, society, and religion have affected me. I've already become a little more comfy praying to a higher power that works for me that isn't steeped in hatred. I still struggle with practicing in my home as I have two roommates who would make fun of me...but I'm working on changing my response to that too. We shall see. But regardless of what happens, things will work out, somehow.
I feel melancholic, and have felt that way for a few weeks. I told my therapist this, how I dread going into work. Not because of my work load or my clients, but the politics and the negativity. It drains me in a way it hadn't before. Maybe my therapist was right, that when I stopped hiding from my emotions and took my mask off it'd hurt more, it'd drain more, and it'd make my home life more depressing. And yet at the same time I find it also more real. I have my own room now, my own bed...my own space. I sleep better at night and even though my health has consistently fallen in the past few weeks, I still FEEL better and more rested.
I've disconnected socially though. It's hard to return emails. It's hard, but I force myself to go to school, to attend class and not to skip work. I read more. And I find myself CRAVING affection and sexual attention. Not sex per say, but that "need" to feel lusted after and attractive. Maybe I'm low on testosterone. Maybe its because I'm 27 and have never really had an "active" sex life save for weekends visiting someone a couple times per year. It's not that I'm not horny, I just dont have an outlet. I'm too self conscious about my skin due to my psoriasis to hook up with people I dont know, and people I do know either live too far away to do anything, or want nothing to do with me sexually. Even roleplaying online, sexting or that sort would do it, but they want real life or nothing. Even Sir often says "You'll be here soon, then we'll have fun" and I know he's telling me the truth. I also know that doesn't help at all in the moment since I'm feeling lonely and horny.
Anyway, this disconnect is a combination of being overwhelmed with my family drama (my bio-dad), work drama (politics, changes, and culture), school drama (suicide and interpersonal issues) and my home life (finding out things I feared and feeling like I'm not wanted here). So then why, as my title says, am I saying it might be healthy? Because I'm doing a ton of work in therapy, and I'm working to understand how my past experiences with my family, society, and religion have affected me. I've already become a little more comfy praying to a higher power that works for me that isn't steeped in hatred. I still struggle with practicing in my home as I have two roommates who would make fun of me...but I'm working on changing my response to that too. We shall see. But regardless of what happens, things will work out, somehow.
18 May 2012
Movement
Movement is painful, change hurts...but today in therapy my shrink helped me realize a lot of things about myself.
I'm a bit tired tonight...but I'm going to try and write more. Engage my creative side to exorcise some of these demons. We'll see how it goes.
I'm a bit tired tonight...but I'm going to try and write more. Engage my creative side to exorcise some of these demons. We'll see how it goes.
04 May 2012
Wounded Healers
Meet Chiron:
Chiron is the archetype of the wounded healer from Greek mythology. In shamanistic cultures (The Celts, Siberian tribes, and many American Indian tribes similarly use different images, but same overall idea), a shaman is a wounded healer who uses his knowledge of pain, suffering, and sickness to heal those around him.
When reading By Oak, Ash, and Thorn by DJ Conway, he touches upon this component of shamanism in such a way that touched me the moment I read it. In psychology Jung had a similar idea that we shared a collective suffering that healers touched upon to heal those in the community. While modern psychology fears this (psychologists are supposed to be perfect and realized and not have the problems their clients do), my experience has taught me (as has my supervisors) that the best psychologists are those that have endured suffering in their lives. They are the ones that truly empathize and honor the pain of others while similarly not patronizing their suffering. The Gestaltists had a similar world view.
I mention these because I found myself talking to my own therapist and my supervisor about my own suffering, and both agreed that I was talking healthy steps. My therapist said I was a two-spirit and that I had an "Indian heart", a very beautiful honor I must say. But the wounded healer is also a caveat in many ways. For the medicine to be effective, Chiron had to give up his immortality to save others and become a good healer. Last night I had dreams in my new space I created. I don't remember much of them, but I remember having them which is a huge plus for me. My enneagram is a type 4, something I'm told is rare but very powerful.
http://www.enneagramworldwide.com/explore-the-enneagram/tour-the-nine-types/enneagram-type-4.php
You can read more about them there. The more I read and learn, the more I want to embrace the creative side I had as a kid. I wrote and drew a lot, even though my drawings and writings were often characterized by longing and pain. I want to make my own dream catcher for my new room above the bed. That will be my first step. I'll write more later, I need to get back to work.
Chiron is the archetype of the wounded healer from Greek mythology. In shamanistic cultures (The Celts, Siberian tribes, and many American Indian tribes similarly use different images, but same overall idea), a shaman is a wounded healer who uses his knowledge of pain, suffering, and sickness to heal those around him.
When reading By Oak, Ash, and Thorn by DJ Conway, he touches upon this component of shamanism in such a way that touched me the moment I read it. In psychology Jung had a similar idea that we shared a collective suffering that healers touched upon to heal those in the community. While modern psychology fears this (psychologists are supposed to be perfect and realized and not have the problems their clients do), my experience has taught me (as has my supervisors) that the best psychologists are those that have endured suffering in their lives. They are the ones that truly empathize and honor the pain of others while similarly not patronizing their suffering. The Gestaltists had a similar world view.
I mention these because I found myself talking to my own therapist and my supervisor about my own suffering, and both agreed that I was talking healthy steps. My therapist said I was a two-spirit and that I had an "Indian heart", a very beautiful honor I must say. But the wounded healer is also a caveat in many ways. For the medicine to be effective, Chiron had to give up his immortality to save others and become a good healer. Last night I had dreams in my new space I created. I don't remember much of them, but I remember having them which is a huge plus for me. My enneagram is a type 4, something I'm told is rare but very powerful.
http://www.enneagramworldwide.com/explore-the-enneagram/tour-the-nine-types/enneagram-type-4.php
You can read more about them there. The more I read and learn, the more I want to embrace the creative side I had as a kid. I wrote and drew a lot, even though my drawings and writings were often characterized by longing and pain. I want to make my own dream catcher for my new room above the bed. That will be my first step. I'll write more later, I need to get back to work.
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