On my silence...

I haven't posted here in a long time. That reason is many things, but to start with, my relationship of almost five years ended.

I can't say that I didn't know it was going to come eventually. While I had secretly hoped that things would change, I'm educated enough to know that people don't change when they don't want to. I'm also educated enough to be ignorant of my situations. The "well, it's different when it's you" thing. Regardless, the end of my relationship has caused a welling up of thoughts and feelings with in me. Not the least of which has been a sexual pull back to the things that burned so brightly in me prior to the relationship five years ago that slowly dimmed over time.

I've had the urge to reconnect with gay culture more, go out and dance more, and I've been hitting the gym since November (and starting to see results that make me happy). Since the end of my relationship, I've also noticed a mental crack in that facade I had before. My ex spent a lot of time saying negative things about certain groups of people ("freaks" he sometimes called them) and would not engage me in the very things he once said he was also into (like puppy play and the like). At the time it seemed to make sense and be related to stresses at work and life in general.

Over time tho, I vacillated between wanting it and feeling bad for wanting it, and telling myself I didn't want it to make not getting it hurt less. And as I've come to realize….I spent so long telling myself I didn't want it that now I need encouragement to get back into it. Luckily I have someone who wants to help me get back into it, but I'll admit, like most people who act skeptical about a lot of things, a lot of what is keeping me shy of it is fear.

Fear that it'll complicate things at the house. Fear that my name might get out there too much and it damage my professional career…lots of fears. It'll take time to not instantly react with skepticism…but I'm working on it.