In some ways I deal with this feeling of wondering what is and isn't appropriate. Yesterday I was out walking in the hipster district of the city I live in. It was a beautiful fall day. The air was crisp, I had a cup of hot coffee from Noah's...all was good. But something was missing. I wanted him here with me. I'd step into some shop and see something that I thought he'd like, and it was then I realized just how head over heels I really am.
When you read books on power dynamics you often find a theme of pushing too much, too far, too fast on the part of the sub. It's that feeling that things have clicked and fallen into place. At its core is a fear of scaring Sir away. For some, the idea of a sub saying "I'm forever yours" is foolish...the idea that one would plan or base their relationship or life on such a statement. In other ways, its romantic. I don't casually enter into relationships or casually say I love you. Even when relationships have gone south, I still have a spot in my heart for those men. Some I still love very deeply. When I say forever, I mean that that person has touched me to the degree that no matter what happens, they will always have a piece of my heart. In the case of Sir, he's had it for 7 years. I really didn't have any idea he liked me, nor did I realize the hurt I caused him when I entered into unhealthy relationships with others that he had warned me about. If I had known...well...we can't go back in time can we? Sometimes I wonder tho, who'd Id be know, what my life would have been like if these years had been different. Would I have as many gray hairs, as many health issues? Would I walk through the world with my shields up not trusting what others tell me for fear of them using and hurting me? What I do know is that I've kept his chats and photos with me this whole time, and when things got bad, he was always there for me. Even during my embarassing or immature moments, and for that I am grateful.
While he can tell me many times how patient he is, or how he'll wait wherever residency takes me, there is that underlying concern that in the meantime a more experienced sub/slave/puppy/boy will come into the picture and that my inexperience and substantial distance will negatively impact the really good thing we have going. I've shared these thoughts with Sir, but they haven't gone away yet. And that's my issue. It's not his doing or his problem to fix really. It's my baggage, baggage I'm slowly working on. It's gotten better since I was there last. I feel more integrated into his life than I did in my past LTR which lasted almost 5 years.
My second concern is the Sunday when I have to leave. Leaving last time was terribly difficult for me. Everyday weighed on me as one closer to having to leave again. Not to be overly dramatic, but it's kinda pathetic to see a bearded, short haired man in a collar choking back tears in a Duncan Donuts in an airport. Maybe thats what makes it genuine too. In my line of work we talk often about expressing and sharing feelings. I've been open and honest with Sir about the extent of my feelings. Maybe it's best expressed in a Journey song.
Highway run, into the midnight sun
Wheels go round and round, you're on my mind.
Restless hearts, sleep alone tonight
Sending all my love along the wire.
They say that the road ain't no place to start a family
And right down the line its been you and me
and loving a music man ain't always what its supposed to be
oh girl, you stand, by me.
I'm forever yours, faithfully.
Circus life under the big top world,
we all need the clowns to make us smile
Through space and time, always another show
Wondering where I am, lost without you.
And being apart isnt easy on this love affair
two strangers learn to fall in love again
I get the joy of rediscovering you,
oh girl, you stand, by me
I'm forever yours, faithfully.
I'm still yours, faithfully.
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