A rambling post where my head is at

I was thinking about this  a lot in the middle of the night last night...but I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed and type it.  A lot has happened emotionally in my life in the past couple of weeks (and truthfully, the past year).

One of my professors committed suicide.  Half of the mental health staff at the clinic I work at gave their notice for the end of May.  And in my own life I've been trying to decide where to go next, what to do, how to feel.

One of the things I come up with a lot is my health and the problems I have that no mid to late 20 something should have.  My psoriasis gives me very bad physical pain and unattractive parts of my body most of the time.  I'm terribly self conscious about my puppy parts because frankly, that's where the psoriasis is the worst.  Aside from health problems I cannot fix, I tend to drink in what might be seen as an unhealthy way.  I don't get enough sleep.  I put on a few pounds that I'm having a hard time losing, ect.  To add to those things, my time in therapy is productive but also leaving me with more questions than answers and digging up painful memories of my past.

Last night I noticed Facebook kept wanting me to be friends with someone I knew to be the current partner of an ex of mine.  This ex and I split on very bad terms due to his infidelity and inability to be honest with me.  I found myself navigating to said ex's facebook page where I found images of him and his partner at leather conferences with his partner as his public puppy.  His involvement with the local leather bar, his successes as it were...and what I found was that I was a little jealous but mostly bitter.  I wasn't jealous of him or his partner as I don't want him back or anything of the sort.  But I was jealous because (like my most recent ex) this guy went out after we broke up and did the very things with others he told me he'd never do with me because he wasn't "into that sort of thing" or didnt do "public things" like that.  Which threw me into a bit of a spin where I was like "What is it about me?" I write this not because I want pity, but because it really brought up something my therapist often says to me too.  Namely that I tend to date emotionally unavailable men who want the "conquest" of me, but after that initial rush is over, they go on to the next thing.  I see that point.  My last 2 relationships match up well with that statement.  But why after me do those ex's date people, do things with them they would never do with me, and it last?

I feel like this is something I need to figure out.  Some people spend their lives searching for themselves in promiscuous sex, drugs, or other pursuits never to find who they really are.  I have a friend or two like that.  No sexual experience is satisfying, it could always be a little more perfect like the fantasies in his head.  But I have fantasies similar to their fantasies.  The difference is that as much as I want to go out and get laid, to have lots of fun sex, guys just dont look at me that way.  I'm not even saying I want random, anonymous sex.  I just want to feel like someone really wants to have sex with me, skin and all.  And that the want is strong enough not to simply be a "If you were here in person, then i'd have sex with you, but I'm not going to talk to you about it or fantasize about something that isn't actually happening".  A lot of guys who can and do get laid a lot tend to have that attitude.  When Sir and I are together in person, its magical.  The sex is fantastic, I feel loved and wanted and appreciated, and I have a great time.  I've never been drunk around him even.  But when I'm on the opposite coast, sometimes I want to just sit at my computer, have a few strong drinks and just watch tv.   I watch the ex I live with go out for play dates and hang out with people in a way he never did when we were together.  I watch my roommate chat online, go to play parties, hook up with people he hardly knows or knows well but rarely sees...and I'm at home alone.  People are shocked when they find out him and I have never had sex.  He made it clear that was never going to happen with me, so I quit asking and eventually found a way to reconcile that emotional desire to be close to him with reality.

This is a massive rambling post.  I guess what I'm saying is I need direction in my life.  I want direction and discipline.  Don't get me wrong, I love drinking.  But some days that pour is strong because I want to laugh again, to rekindle the fire I have inside that comes out when I'm with Sir.  On my plane trips home from seeing him, the rum flows because I'm in mourning for him and that I have to stuff my feelings and expression back into a box and hide it.  Every time I text him or facetime with him or even email him, my thoughts are of fun stuff I want to share with him, how much I miss him, sexy things Id like to do with him, and how much I love him.  But I only share pieces of it, because you can only whine about being lonely so much before people push you away, and I don't want him to see me as always being depressed or mopey.  I'm a fun drunk in many ways.  I laugh (a lot) I giggle at things, I'm touchy feely and very hands on with people.  But at home I'm nervous and afraid a lot.  When I drink, that relaxes some and I let some of myself out...but then I get dirty looks and told that I'm being too loud.  So I keep it inside.  And the laughing, happy drunk puppy becomes a sad, hurting puppy who just wants to be held.  My therapist says I want friends more than anything else in the world.  It's true, I do.  But its hard to make friends when you don't know who you are, when you are a wannabe, or simply trying to be authentic.  It's hard to be authentic when you don't know who you are or live in an environment where people don't want you to act yourself.

The real me would want to laugh, regular sex, a spiritual sexuality and a spirituality he could practice openly without it being mocked.  He'd want small intimate group moments, even with Sir and one or two other people to play together.  He'd value being open about his sexuality and lifestyle, where he could live and exist in a household were sex and feelings were open and not hidden away to the bed room.  I'm a sexual person, its important to me, the same as power dynamics and submission are important to me.  Where my laughing, odd sense of humor, or desire to be close, be held, or simply be quiet next to someone I trusted was endearing rather than weird.  The painful part of leaving Sir's home is that I get a lot of that when I visit.  I know things come in time, but thats easier to say when you live in a place where you have or can have all of that.  Where I live currently...I have Bacardi to numb out how miserable I am most days.  I numb out the feeling that something is wrong with me to make those I've dated not want to do things with me when we are together.  I numb out the feeling that there's something ugly about me that makes my roommate give me the definite no to just have intimate, physical contact with him, even cuddling when I'm having a bad day.

I worry Sir is going to read this and think "That boy is a hot mess".  I know he loves me and wouldn't kick me to the curb, but it keeps running over in my head.  Submissives often seek to be perfect in the eyes of Dominant folk, and I know logically I am not a perfect person and that maybe some of my charm and beauty comes from the wounded healer...but more on that in my next post.