What is loyalty?

I finished Master Jack's book on he and his slave's attitudes toward slavery and submission.  I'd do a review, but others have written far better ones than I.  What I did come to though is a feeling of discouragement.  My blog is called the "loyal puppy blog" but who I am loyal to?  Master Jack would say that one cannot be a slave without a master, as who would the individual be in slavery to?  But what of submission? 

I feel like in some ways the same is true.  I have a submission nature and heart, but if im not "in submission" to someone directly, then what I am is someone who has a submissive nature navigating/struggling through life like a stray puppy.  Maybe that'd be a more apt blog title "the stray puppy blog".

I have a very special person who is a dominant.  Sometimes he even gives me commands of things to do, including one I'm working quite hard at in terms of my own personal health and fitness.  But like my previous post on willfullness, I now recognize that some of my own urges and desires to have more contact and interaction with him are my own willfullness.  I also recognize that I don't belong to him, and I haven't yet visited him to serve him.  He has a life, a dog, and his own friends and subs who are able to visit him with more frequency than I.  And sometimes I feel so unworthy to even ask for his attention....and other times I simply feel unworthy to speak to him.  After I visit him that may change, or it may not work out.  But sometimes I hope, and restrain myself from emailing or text messaging because that is willfulness and a desire to control things, something I should not be doing.  I don't know...maybe it's simply me feeling discouraged with my own life and the way things are going.  Regardless, I have obligations, the written ones and the unwritten ones.  I fear sometimes I could disappear, not be online, not tweet or message and no one would notice.  This isn't to say no one would care mind you.  But when you don't see someone in person, we often assume their lives have become busy, and we'll see them when we see them.  But I pray sometimes that when I make the house extra clean, or I push myself extra hard at the gym that I'm doing something to make him proud, even if I'm not in a proximity to him that he'd notice.

*edit* I re-read this the morning after I posted it, and a large part of me wanted to take it down.  But that would be dishonest so I will leave it up.  It's not that the feelings above are not real, but re-reading it makes me feel like it is whining, which has an end product of not being helpful.  I also feel like one could read this and assume I was trying to induce a sense of guilt, which I was not trying to do at all.  I just needed to get it out, off my chest.  But it'd be dishonest to delete it in the harsh light of morning.