The holidays for a kinky puppy

The holiday season is always very mixed for me. On the one hand, it is my favorite time of year. I love Christmas and the whole ritual involved in the tree, decorations, food, drink and family. On the other hand, I haven't had good holidays through much of my life. This isn't one of those "I didn't get what I wanted for Christmas" things, rather, most of my holidays were filled with painful memories of the acceptance I didn't have, physical assaults from holidays past, and the reminder of my own status below the poverty line. While Christmas shouldn't be about gifts, there are a few special people in my life I like to go out of my way for and rarely am I able to give them the gifts I feel they deserve. I also have never been very good at receiving gifts, as I rarely feel I deserve the gifts I have been given. It's a complicated mess lol.

This holiday was the first one where I really felt kind of alone for the season. I don't mean that in a "I don't have anyone, no one loves me" kinda way, please don't misunderstand. I meant it more in a physical presence type of way. Sir is on the East Coast, and I doubt he understands that telling me he'll see me in January does little to make it easier being lonely/horny, ect. I don't mean that in a rude way, I just mean that he has loved ones around him and looks at the world and relationships (even time) quite differently than I do. I doubt he finds himself kicking himself for sending texts messages and waiting for replies like a horny schoolboy who checks "Do you like me? Check yes or no" and awaits a letter back in the way that I do. Yes, even cyber sex like responses I send. In some ways, I feel like because I'm so far away, it's all I have really.

I was able to Facetime with him briefly on Christmas which made me feel better. The whole power dynamic relationship sometimes gets complicated to me due to my own willfulness and feelings of need and want. Sometimes I have this urge to put them upon him, which is folly on my part as a submissive. But like I often say, I'm working on it.

I start work back tomorrow so maybe being more distracted will help me. I'm just getting stir crazy here at the house, constantly glancing at my phone or email for some sort of contact. Maybe someday I'll be able to tone that constant desire for contact and affection down. Until then, maybe I can find a few dominant men to chat with so I don't pressure Sir so much with it.