A recap of 2011 might be in order, but to be honest you could re-read these posts and those of my twitter feed to see how 2011 went for me. Honestly it was a very mixed bag. My relationship of 4 and a half years ended in the early Spring in a very hurtful way. While it was not something that came as a huge shock, the barbs that were exchanged were painful to say the least. In early Summer I had been invited out to visit Sir to hang out and he called me at work and had a talk with me. That talk turned out to be one of the most painful experiences I have ever had. Of our pasts, my own choices I had made and how they had hurt him and how they had led him to the decision he came to...and him telling me I could still come visit but that it wouldn't ever be like it could have been prior to my decisions.
I was thinking about that conversation today. He was right and to this day I carry a heavy heart about the amount of pain I caused him. I had no idea so many years ago that he cared about me like that. Maybe it was miscommunication on both of our parts, but my actions caused him significant distress and I still feel bad about it sometimes. The "what if's" never seem to fade away. When I did visit, things were very different. There was certainly a spark there, a passion and devotion that came forth that I knew I had carried within me for a long time. There were tears and long talks, fun times and painful admissions... But I was smitten. In love, in service, in wanting to take care of and service this man as long as I was able and he wanted me.
I've shared all of these feelings with him and along with them, the painful weight I carry where I want to make sure he never again feels the way he did so many years ago due to my choices. I also recognize that those choices affected a great deal, the type of relationship we have, the roles we assume, the labels we take even. At the end of that painful phone call this summer, when I felt like I had lost everything and I was ashamed for having hurt him so badly, he asked me if I still wanted him in my life knowing that certain things probably would never be. I said yes, that he was important to me and I wanted him in my life regardless of the form or function. In early Fall after our long talks, tears and my visit, he gave me an ownership tag and said I was his...and I still stand by my commitment. I would do anything to make him happy, bring him pleasure, and make his life easier. It turned out that some of the things that he said might not ever be did happen. 2011 brought me moments where it seemed like we had no future in a love/sex/BDSM/Ms sense due to choices I made in my past...and 2011 brought me moments that made me happy and hopeful for the future and exposed me to a headspace and role that has brought me more joy and happiness in a few visits than I have felt in years.
I found happiness at Sir's feet in 2011. Here is to 2012.
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