Submission is a funny thing. On the one hand, you want to be self-sustaining and bring pleasure to those in a dominant position in your life. On the other hand, at your core there is a desire to please, a desire that Sir's wish be your own and that you do what he wants, when he wants, and ask permission for the willful or other things you want to do. Now I know everyone doesn't view it this way, but bear with me.

Then there comes bad feelings. Depression, loneliness, or a sense of feeling like your life isn't going well in some area. These feelings are hard for me, most of which I've had a lot of my life. It wasn't that I never had anyone, but from a psychological perspective, I have a "disorganized attachment".

For those of you who don't have psychology backgrounds, in psychology (particularly psychodynamic theory - think Freud, Jung, ect) there exists theories of attachment. These theories speculate that we develop patterns of attachment from our parents, most importantly, mother. We learn these before we can even speak because they are modeled to us and exist at a subconscious level. With mothers, you have two outcomes. Secure attachment and insecure attachment.

Secure attachment is where the child turns out great, is independent, able to deal and soothe themselves with no problems, ect. These children grow into confident adults that generally lack neuroses. Insecure attachment is the children who fail to learn to properly self soothe, often are emotionally needy or emotionally dead, and sometimes end up very dependent on other people. (These are broad, sweeping generalizations keep in mind, its a theory).

There are books upon books about attachment theory, but since its my blog, I'll just mention me. For me this often shows up in "needy" behaviors such as seeking reassurance that I'm wanted or needed, that I'm a good boy, and that everything is okay with those around me. It also tends to show up with me "checking in" a lot to make sure the other person knows im interested. While this can be good and bad, in my life it has historically caused bad interactions. My last boyfriend said that despite a "power dynamic" that we had (not a healthy one), he didn't want to talk about his feelings. He felt put upon to answer me when I asked him these questions, and in some ways I understand this. It can be taxing to always be commenting on the status of the relationship, but I'm a communication oriented beast.

My older brother emailed me this evening answering some questions about his early childhood memories of me. They are upsetting, but seem to fill in what I had suspected. I'll write more on this stuff later. I have had this in draft for days and if I don't post it now, it might never leave draft.