On my silence...

I haven't posted here in a long time. That reason is many things, but to start with, my relationship of almost five years ended.

I can't say that I didn't know it was going to come eventually. While I had secretly hoped that things would change, I'm educated enough to know that people don't change when they don't want to. I'm also educated enough to be ignorant of my situations. The "well, it's different when it's you" thing. Regardless, the end of my relationship has caused a welling up of thoughts and feelings with in me. Not the least of which has been a sexual pull back to the things that burned so brightly in me prior to the relationship five years ago that slowly dimmed over time.

I've had the urge to reconnect with gay culture more, go out and dance more, and I've been hitting the gym since November (and starting to see results that make me happy). Since the end of my relationship, I've also noticed a mental crack in that facade I had before. My ex spent a lot of time saying negative things about certain groups of people ("freaks" he sometimes called them) and would not engage me in the very things he once said he was also into (like puppy play and the like). At the time it seemed to make sense and be related to stresses at work and life in general.

Over time tho, I vacillated between wanting it and feeling bad for wanting it, and telling myself I didn't want it to make not getting it hurt less. And as I've come to realize….I spent so long telling myself I didn't want it that now I need encouragement to get back into it. Luckily I have someone who wants to help me get back into it, but I'll admit, like most people who act skeptical about a lot of things, a lot of what is keeping me shy of it is fear.

Fear that it'll complicate things at the house. Fear that my name might get out there too much and it damage my professional career…lots of fears. It'll take time to not instantly react with skepticism…but I'm working on it.

willful puppy love

I was hitting refresh on my email hoping for a response from the special Dom who I made another video for.  I went to the gym though and realized he was probably in bed.  Regardless, I anxiously await his response in the morning.  I know this is willfulness and wanting a certain outcome, but I can't help it.  After making the video (in which I did cum), later on I was hard again imagining him watching it, of how he'd reply...ect. 

I laid on the couch and took a nap...and had a dream I lived in this apartment where I went around in gear most of the day and did all of my activities at home in gear.  It was an oddly hot fantasy...though clearly not something "real".  We all know 24/7 isn't really an option.

On slutty stories and whorish fantasy

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A brief update

I was watching "The Empire Strikes Back" and remembered when I saw the movie as a young boy and was enamored with Lord Vader's relationship to the Emperor.  Him walking up in that leather outfit, kneeling down on that platform and saying "How may I serve you, my Master?"  I always thought he was lucky, to have someone to defer to.  In my own mind, someone to crouch at their feet, or to show up and serve in a way that pleases Him, or to be told what I have done is good...

This weekend I completed a task for a special Dominant in my life.  I realized when I was texting him after emailing the results that I wanted to call him Master.  I wanted to badly...and I also realized I had no right to, as I could not make that committment to him with my current life situations and my current life choices. That is not me giving away the responsibility, thats why I said situation AND choices.

I'm going to California soon for work.  I wish I could visit the Sir I spoke of a minute ago instead, but this is important for my job.  The good thing is I'll have a lot of alone time in my hotel room to reflect and relax.  Part of me hopes he'll be around, so at the very least I can spend that weekend when I'm not in meetings acting as if I was His.

On submission, sex, and lonliness

While I try to keep a lot of my personal activities out of this blog, I find myself wanting to share more than comfortable.  My life isn't compatible at the moment with my desires.  I feel a desire to live the life I read in books...and my sexual urges often push me to want to act whorish...or at the least...an ethical slut.  I'll make a larger post tomorrow.  Just wanted to get that out there.

What is loyalty?

I finished Master Jack's book on he and his slave's attitudes toward slavery and submission.  I'd do a review, but others have written far better ones than I.  What I did come to though is a feeling of discouragement.  My blog is called the "loyal puppy blog" but who I am loyal to?  Master Jack would say that one cannot be a slave without a master, as who would the individual be in slavery to?  But what of submission? 

I feel like in some ways the same is true.  I have a submission nature and heart, but if im not "in submission" to someone directly, then what I am is someone who has a submissive nature navigating/struggling through life like a stray puppy.  Maybe that'd be a more apt blog title "the stray puppy blog".

I have a very special person who is a dominant.  Sometimes he even gives me commands of things to do, including one I'm working quite hard at in terms of my own personal health and fitness.  But like my previous post on willfullness, I now recognize that some of my own urges and desires to have more contact and interaction with him are my own willfullness.  I also recognize that I don't belong to him, and I haven't yet visited him to serve him.  He has a life, a dog, and his own friends and subs who are able to visit him with more frequency than I.  And sometimes I feel so unworthy to even ask for his attention....and other times I simply feel unworthy to speak to him.  After I visit him that may change, or it may not work out.  But sometimes I hope, and restrain myself from emailing or text messaging because that is willfulness and a desire to control things, something I should not be doing.  I don't know...maybe it's simply me feeling discouraged with my own life and the way things are going.  Regardless, I have obligations, the written ones and the unwritten ones.  I fear sometimes I could disappear, not be online, not tweet or message and no one would notice.  This isn't to say no one would care mind you.  But when you don't see someone in person, we often assume their lives have become busy, and we'll see them when we see them.  But I pray sometimes that when I make the house extra clean, or I push myself extra hard at the gym that I'm doing something to make him proud, even if I'm not in a proximity to him that he'd notice.

*edit* I re-read this the morning after I posted it, and a large part of me wanted to take it down.  But that would be dishonest so I will leave it up.  It's not that the feelings above are not real, but re-reading it makes me feel like it is whining, which has an end product of not being helpful.  I also feel like one could read this and assume I was trying to induce a sense of guilt, which I was not trying to do at all.  I just needed to get it out, off my chest.  But it'd be dishonest to delete it in the harsh light of morning.

The nature of willfulness

Submission is a funny thing.  For some, it is about the realization that one functions better in service to others.  For some doms, that's a good thing.  For other doms, it's about making the submissive "suffer" to prove their submission and loyalty.  The line is a fine one.  In discussions with other subs, I've heard the "I want ____, but asking for it implies that my dom SHOULD have given it to me, and it's not for me to say he SHOULD do anything for me.  Thats willfulness on my part".  I find myself feeling that way a lot.

Sure, there are things I want.  Things even I feel I might need.  But asking for them has always been hard for me my entire life.  Maybe it is a feeling of "I don't deserve them", or maybe its not trusting my own wants and needs and deferring to someone else to tell me what I want and need.  I don't know if that's good for a submissive really.  In each of the books I've read, I come up with very different answers.  To some masters, the slaves act of saying "I would like ____, or I need _____" implies that the master did not do something he should have, or does not know what is best.  It is seen as terribly disrespectful.  To others, communication is key (something I have been trained in, oddly enough).  Out of a fear of being disrespectful, I often keep my wants and needs to myself...then suffer in silence when I feel unfulfilled....and then ultimately feel shame for feeling unfulfilled when I should be happy with what I get.  It's a vicious cycle.  I wonder if other subs feel the same, or if that is more of my own dysfunction...