28 February 2011
On submission, sex, and lonliness
While I try to keep a lot of my personal activities out of this blog, I find myself wanting to share more than comfortable. My life isn't compatible at the moment with my desires. I feel a desire to live the life I read in books...and my sexual urges often push me to want to act whorish...or at the least...an ethical slut. I'll make a larger post tomorrow. Just wanted to get that out there.
17 February 2011
What is loyalty?
I finished Master Jack's book on he and his slave's attitudes toward slavery and submission. I'd do a review, but others have written far better ones than I. What I did come to though is a feeling of discouragement. My blog is called the "loyal puppy blog" but who I am loyal to? Master Jack would say that one cannot be a slave without a master, as who would the individual be in slavery to? But what of submission?
I feel like in some ways the same is true. I have a submission nature and heart, but if im not "in submission" to someone directly, then what I am is someone who has a submissive nature navigating/struggling through life like a stray puppy. Maybe that'd be a more apt blog title "the stray puppy blog".
I have a very special person who is a dominant. Sometimes he even gives me commands of things to do, including one I'm working quite hard at in terms of my own personal health and fitness. But like my previous post on willfullness, I now recognize that some of my own urges and desires to have more contact and interaction with him are my own willfullness. I also recognize that I don't belong to him, and I haven't yet visited him to serve him. He has a life, a dog, and his own friends and subs who are able to visit him with more frequency than I. And sometimes I feel so unworthy to even ask for his attention....and other times I simply feel unworthy to speak to him. After I visit him that may change, or it may not work out. But sometimes I hope, and restrain myself from emailing or text messaging because that is willfulness and a desire to control things, something I should not be doing. I don't know...maybe it's simply me feeling discouraged with my own life and the way things are going. Regardless, I have obligations, the written ones and the unwritten ones. I fear sometimes I could disappear, not be online, not tweet or message and no one would notice. This isn't to say no one would care mind you. But when you don't see someone in person, we often assume their lives have become busy, and we'll see them when we see them. But I pray sometimes that when I make the house extra clean, or I push myself extra hard at the gym that I'm doing something to make him proud, even if I'm not in a proximity to him that he'd notice.
*edit* I re-read this the morning after I posted it, and a large part of me wanted to take it down. But that would be dishonest so I will leave it up. It's not that the feelings above are not real, but re-reading it makes me feel like it is whining, which has an end product of not being helpful. I also feel like one could read this and assume I was trying to induce a sense of guilt, which I was not trying to do at all. I just needed to get it out, off my chest. But it'd be dishonest to delete it in the harsh light of morning.
I feel like in some ways the same is true. I have a submission nature and heart, but if im not "in submission" to someone directly, then what I am is someone who has a submissive nature navigating/struggling through life like a stray puppy. Maybe that'd be a more apt blog title "the stray puppy blog".
I have a very special person who is a dominant. Sometimes he even gives me commands of things to do, including one I'm working quite hard at in terms of my own personal health and fitness. But like my previous post on willfullness, I now recognize that some of my own urges and desires to have more contact and interaction with him are my own willfullness. I also recognize that I don't belong to him, and I haven't yet visited him to serve him. He has a life, a dog, and his own friends and subs who are able to visit him with more frequency than I. And sometimes I feel so unworthy to even ask for his attention....and other times I simply feel unworthy to speak to him. After I visit him that may change, or it may not work out. But sometimes I hope, and restrain myself from emailing or text messaging because that is willfulness and a desire to control things, something I should not be doing. I don't know...maybe it's simply me feeling discouraged with my own life and the way things are going. Regardless, I have obligations, the written ones and the unwritten ones. I fear sometimes I could disappear, not be online, not tweet or message and no one would notice. This isn't to say no one would care mind you. But when you don't see someone in person, we often assume their lives have become busy, and we'll see them when we see them. But I pray sometimes that when I make the house extra clean, or I push myself extra hard at the gym that I'm doing something to make him proud, even if I'm not in a proximity to him that he'd notice.
*edit* I re-read this the morning after I posted it, and a large part of me wanted to take it down. But that would be dishonest so I will leave it up. It's not that the feelings above are not real, but re-reading it makes me feel like it is whining, which has an end product of not being helpful. I also feel like one could read this and assume I was trying to induce a sense of guilt, which I was not trying to do at all. I just needed to get it out, off my chest. But it'd be dishonest to delete it in the harsh light of morning.
08 February 2011
The nature of willfulness
Submission is a funny thing. For some, it is about the realization that one functions better in service to others. For some doms, that's a good thing. For other doms, it's about making the submissive "suffer" to prove their submission and loyalty. The line is a fine one. In discussions with other subs, I've heard the "I want ____, but asking for it implies that my dom SHOULD have given it to me, and it's not for me to say he SHOULD do anything for me. Thats willfulness on my part". I find myself feeling that way a lot.
Sure, there are things I want. Things even I feel I might need. But asking for them has always been hard for me my entire life. Maybe it is a feeling of "I don't deserve them", or maybe its not trusting my own wants and needs and deferring to someone else to tell me what I want and need. I don't know if that's good for a submissive really. In each of the books I've read, I come up with very different answers. To some masters, the slaves act of saying "I would like ____, or I need _____" implies that the master did not do something he should have, or does not know what is best. It is seen as terribly disrespectful. To others, communication is key (something I have been trained in, oddly enough). Out of a fear of being disrespectful, I often keep my wants and needs to myself...then suffer in silence when I feel unfulfilled....and then ultimately feel shame for feeling unfulfilled when I should be happy with what I get. It's a vicious cycle. I wonder if other subs feel the same, or if that is more of my own dysfunction...
Sure, there are things I want. Things even I feel I might need. But asking for them has always been hard for me my entire life. Maybe it is a feeling of "I don't deserve them", or maybe its not trusting my own wants and needs and deferring to someone else to tell me what I want and need. I don't know if that's good for a submissive really. In each of the books I've read, I come up with very different answers. To some masters, the slaves act of saying "I would like ____, or I need _____" implies that the master did not do something he should have, or does not know what is best. It is seen as terribly disrespectful. To others, communication is key (something I have been trained in, oddly enough). Out of a fear of being disrespectful, I often keep my wants and needs to myself...then suffer in silence when I feel unfulfilled....and then ultimately feel shame for feeling unfulfilled when I should be happy with what I get. It's a vicious cycle. I wonder if other subs feel the same, or if that is more of my own dysfunction...
04 February 2011
Forgive my lack of a post
I haven't updated in a few days, I'm sorry about that. I've been having some health related troubles, not sleeping much and some relationship troubles. I'll try to do better, I promise. I'm not going to go into detail here tho...don't need this turning into emo blog.
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