I had a play date tonight, or should have...but it fell through. The message I got last minute was "Something better came up, better luck next time boy".
Ouch. Fuckin' ouch.
I talked to a friend of mine last night who told me how when he was away on his residency he drank a lot and how difficult the time was for him...being alone, isolated...feeling like no one gets you. That's me right now. I feel alone. I feel unsexy, and I feel unwanted. It's easy for my pals who get dick weekly to say "No, you're hot! You are better than all that rubbish out there". But in the end, they are getting tail and I'm getting squat.
It's not a case of being pessimistic, its a case of depressive realism. Sometimes you have to look at the common denominator of failed hookups and relationships...and in this case, it's me. Maybe it's my personality, maybe its my standards...or that I dont bottom on the first meeting..who knows. All I know is it leaves me upset, drunk, and with blue balls.
This is the third time since I've moved here I've gotten the "I had better plans come up" message from different dudes after we set a date/time to meet. 3 times. I should just take the hint.
20 September 2013
01 September 2013
Nightmares
Lately I haven't been sleeping well. When sleep comes, I dream of horrific things...nightmares....and when sleep doesn't come I just lay there wondering what's wrong with me. My nightmares all have similar themes and as someone trained in Jungian dream interpretation, I get it. But it doesn't make them any less horrific...or awful. And they leave me with the thoughts...thoughts so common with those nightmares...
In my dreams, I die a horrifically painful, cruel death...or I kill myself in horrific, cruel ways to end a greater suffering. And I awaken, panting, soaked in sweat and terrified with my heart beating a mile a minute. As I lay there in the dark, the thoughts come to me...would anyone find me? How long would it take for them to realize I wasn't there? Would work do a welfare check if I didn't show up?
There's a comfort in having roommates because they notice when you don't come home, when you don't get up in the morning...or when you lie around crying all day. It's part of it. They may not offer you the comfort you want, but they notice. When you don't have that...you realize that if you didn't text others, it might be a couple days before someone messages you. And if someone does and you don't respond, they may just think that you got busy and probably wouldn't worry too much about it. It's so easy to wear a mask, tell people you are okay, send instant messages with smiley emoticons...and be crying when you send them.
I know the science and psychology behind it all, but it doesn't make it easier, nor does it make me feel less alone. When I take my mask off, people tell me to put it back on. It's hard not having people know who you really are. It's a fact, people would rather you smile and be happy. Because when you are happy, they don't have to think about it. Change is hard. It's neither good nor bad. But right now I'm going through a storm of change, and I somedays I worry I may not have the resiliency or connection to make it through it all.
~b
In my dreams, I die a horrifically painful, cruel death...or I kill myself in horrific, cruel ways to end a greater suffering. And I awaken, panting, soaked in sweat and terrified with my heart beating a mile a minute. As I lay there in the dark, the thoughts come to me...would anyone find me? How long would it take for them to realize I wasn't there? Would work do a welfare check if I didn't show up?
There's a comfort in having roommates because they notice when you don't come home, when you don't get up in the morning...or when you lie around crying all day. It's part of it. They may not offer you the comfort you want, but they notice. When you don't have that...you realize that if you didn't text others, it might be a couple days before someone messages you. And if someone does and you don't respond, they may just think that you got busy and probably wouldn't worry too much about it. It's so easy to wear a mask, tell people you are okay, send instant messages with smiley emoticons...and be crying when you send them.
I know the science and psychology behind it all, but it doesn't make it easier, nor does it make me feel less alone. When I take my mask off, people tell me to put it back on. It's hard not having people know who you really are. It's a fact, people would rather you smile and be happy. Because when you are happy, they don't have to think about it. Change is hard. It's neither good nor bad. But right now I'm going through a storm of change, and I somedays I worry I may not have the resiliency or connection to make it through it all.
~b
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