new pics, new post

Updates:

It has been a while since I last updated, and for that I apologize.
This post will have two primary goals, to update y'all on the sexiness
I got in the mail and some mental health stuff.  Sexy first:

My new hood from Mr. S came today, as did my new bootblacking supplies
to replace the crappy stuff I use on my dress shoes.  Plus, It looks
killer with my new boots.

Mental health stuff:

I had my first experience in therapy this week of somatic
experiencing.  Somatic experiencing is a therapy created by Dr. Peter
Levine used in the treatment of trauma.  At it's core, it moves the
person out of trauma based on the theory out of the animal kingdom.  I
had read about it in Levine's book "Waking the Tiger".

Basically:
"When a person encounters a traumatic situation, they may either fight
back, get away, or not act on their urges, said to be the "thwart"
response. It's in not acting, or not being able to act, that the
emotional damage is done."

They use animal studies to show that animals who freeze or flee
typically have a chance to expend the pent up emotions and chemicals
related to the stressor.  A gazelle runs away and hopefully escapes.
A tiger fights back.  Another animal may play dead, then once the
predator leaves, the animal will often have this weird "shaking off"
response then slowly "come back to life" like they are unthawing.  It
is humans who do not do these things and often return to the
non-traumatized state too quickly to complete the cycle.  My therapist
is a good woman, but lately I had felt a bit stuck because I'm often
very much in my head.  She wanted me to be in my body, and asked if I
wouldn't consider somatic experiencing.

She had me sit on the couch I normally do, look at the floor and focus
on how I was feeling inside.  Not what I was thinking, not an
intellectual response to how I was feeling, really core emotions and
where they were located.  I said I felt anxious...she asked where.  I
said my chest.  She said to not try to stop it, just focus on it,
allow it to be...monitor what else I was feeling.  Then I started
trembling, turned my head, and broke down crying.  Not sobbing, but
those forceful yet silent tears that appear to flow without stopping.
It came from deep in me (and honestly, surprised the hell out of me).
She was brilliant.

(therapist = T, pup = p)

p: *crying silently, looking down at the couch*

T: Dont stop it, what are you feeling right now?

p: S..sad...so very sad.

T: Where are you feeling this sadness?

p: M..my chest, its like a weight...its hard to breathe *tears still coming*

T: What if you were to just invite the sadness in, to be present?
What would the sadness be telling you?

p: I dont know...its just there, I want it to go away.

T: And yet its here, and its here for a reason.  Just observe it.

p:  *cries more, sometimes harder, sometimes less* I'm embarrassed.

T: Why embarrassed?

p: I..I dont know, I dont normally get embarrassed about
crying...but...I cant look at you.

T: You dont have to.  It's okay...what are you feeling now?  (She asks
after some time has past with my silent tears)

p: My palms are sweaty...but I dont feel anxious anymore...

While this may not be typical for the way these things can go, the
therapist appeared concerned about me.  She said this happens
sometimes in body work...like some people may be in yoga class and hit
a pose that just, for whatever reason, unlocks a torrent of emotions.
This did.  She told me to contact her if things got weird before our
next session.  I walked around the grocery store near her office for
almost an hour after in a daze.  I felt spent, worn out, and
disconnected.  Yet that night I slept and I didn't dream.  All week
I've abstained from alcohol just to see what this feels like.  A few
times I've been overcome with sadness at strange times that comes and
goes as quickly as it sprang up.  I don't get it...but I'm hopeful I'm
releasing some of that pent up hurt over the years.

Frozen

I've neglected this blog the past few months but I'm gonna try to be more on top of it.

Disney movies have always held a special place in my heart regarding morals.  The latest one, Frozen, has touched me remarkably.  Despite all the struggles in my past and present, the issues with my family of origin and my job and all...something my mother said clicked with a line from the soundtrack.

My mother asked why I always moved north...always....always to colder places with the ultimate goal of someday living in Alaska.  I said "I like cold weather, I dunno, you adapt to it.  I've always adapted."  She said "Yes, thats true....you are really good at adapting, no matter what life throws at you."

Then she got all silent.



Don't let them in, don't let them see,
Be the good girl you always had to be.
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know.
Well, now they know.

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn my back and slam the door
And here I stand and here I'll stay
Let it go, let it go
The cold never bothered me anyway

It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all.
Up here in the cold thin air I finally can breathe.
I know I left a life behind but I'm too relieved to grieve.

Quasi

I think I may have found a new shrink.  We'll see.  I talked to her on the phone yesterday and she seemed nice enough.  She's not all CBT which is good (as someone in the field, certain things are good for cognitive behavioral stuff, some stuff not).  What I'm dealing with is not.  I want a more holistic, integrative shrink who is more dynamic and attachment related...so it sounds like that might be a match.

I'm looking forward to trying at least, and she takes my insurance.  She is going to try to work out an evening appointment too.  She said it'll be difficult as those are popular times, but I think my insistence demonstrated I want this and I'm not fooling around.  I told her if its after 5, I'd make it work.  She's checking to see.

Last weekend I was invited to a sweat and it went really well.  This week I also made my medicine bag and smudged more often.  It is very centering and connecting, which I like.  Sometimes I'll come home from work and smudge, and given the pain and trauma I deal with daily, it's a good ritual to disconnect and not take it all home with me.  We'll see how it goes.

I'm looking forward to Samhain this week.  I stopped into the Bontaníca and bought some candles.  It'll be my first where I can actually practice the way I want with the freedom to do whatever.  I'm rather excited about it.

And sexually, I've just been a neglected beast.  I'm not kidding, my libido is through the roof and I've been shot down at every attempt (in person) which has pretty much left me searching online.  I did find a fella who likes to roleplay and that's been a nice outlet.  He's even into the power dynamic stuff and has helped me not feel like a submissive Quasimodo.  Anyway, that's it for now.

I made a joke tonight about my inability to cook certain things that was very triggering and basically shut down the conversation I was having.  

I can't seem to do anything right.  I try to be honest and it bites me in the ass.  Sometimes I wonder if it'd be better for me to just walk around with a big fake smile plastered on, say everything is awesome and that I'm flawless.  Because in my field, in my training, that's not how we do things.  We talk about our flaws, we discuss with people how we feel, and conversations end mutually.  I'm sitting here confused, scared I fucked something really important to me up, and also not even sure how I could have prevented it.

And that is the worst feeling I know.

Crushed

I had a play date tonight, or should have...but it fell through.  The message I got last minute was "Something better came up, better luck next time boy".

Ouch.  Fuckin' ouch.

I talked to a friend of mine last night who told me how when he was away on his residency he drank a lot and how difficult the time was for him...being alone, isolated...feeling like no one gets you.  That's me right now.  I feel alone.  I feel unsexy, and I feel unwanted.  It's easy for my pals who get dick weekly to say "No, you're hot!  You are better than all that rubbish out there".  But in the end, they are getting tail and I'm getting squat.

It's not a case of being pessimistic, its a case of depressive realism.  Sometimes you have to look at the common denominator of failed hookups and relationships...and in this case, it's me.  Maybe it's my personality, maybe its my standards...or that I dont bottom on the first meeting..who knows.  All I know is it leaves me upset, drunk, and with blue balls.

This is the third time since I've moved here I've gotten the "I had better plans come up" message from different dudes after we set a date/time to meet.  3 times.  I should just take the hint.

Nightmares

Lately I haven't been sleeping well.  When sleep comes, I dream of horrific things...nightmares....and when sleep doesn't come I just lay there wondering what's wrong with me.  My nightmares all have similar themes and as someone trained in Jungian dream interpretation, I get it.  But it doesn't make them any less horrific...or awful.  And they leave me with the thoughts...thoughts so common with those nightmares...

In my dreams, I die a horrifically painful, cruel death...or I kill myself in horrific, cruel ways to end a greater suffering.  And I awaken, panting, soaked in sweat and terrified with my heart beating a mile a minute.  As I lay there in the dark, the thoughts come to me...would anyone find me?  How long would it take for them to realize I wasn't there?  Would work do a welfare check if I didn't show up?

There's a comfort in having roommates because they notice when you don't come home, when you don't get up in the morning...or when you lie around crying all day.  It's part of it.  They may not offer you the comfort you want, but they notice.  When you don't have that...you realize that if you didn't text others, it might be a couple days before someone messages you.  And if someone does and you don't respond, they may just think that you got busy and probably wouldn't worry too much about it.  It's so easy to wear a mask, tell people you are okay, send instant messages with smiley emoticons...and be crying when you send them.

I know the science and psychology behind it all, but it doesn't make it easier, nor does it make me feel less alone.  When I take my mask off, people tell me to put it back on.  It's hard not having people know who you really are.  It's a fact, people would rather you smile and be happy.  Because when you are happy, they don't have to think about it.  Change is hard.  It's neither good nor bad.  But right now I'm going through a storm of change, and I somedays I worry I may not have the resiliency or connection to make it through it all.

~b

A new place, a new start

I moved to the Midwest this month and am now settled into my new place.  I still need to buy some shelving and a TV when I start getting paid (moving is really expensive).

This is a new start for me and a new set of experiences.  I've never really lived on my own before and this is my first time living alone with no room-mates or partners.  It's interesting to say the least.  The freedom to decorate the way I want is REALLY nice, although not being able to hang things on the walls is frustrating me.  Those 3M strips are kind of garbage.  So aside from trying to figure all of that out and not put a hole in the wall, and figuring out finances, it's been an interesting experience (yes, I know I've said interesting multiple times).

I live on the outskirts of a nice neighborhood, in a less nice neighborhood.  My apartment is sorta underground too, which is kinda neat.  I haven't started work yet so I've had a lot of free time to myself.  Once I get some finances coming in I'll be able to get a desk too, which will make playing video games easier.  The free time has been neat but also a bit overwhelming.  I've made some friends here too.

In a sexual sense, this level of privacy has been intoxicating.  The ability to play when I want, wear what I want around the house, and to have a shower shot set up my shower is perfect.  And if I want to entertain a gentleman, I have a nice king size bed (no more futon).  So maybe my posts here will drift more sexy, now that I have plenty of privacy and freedom.

*smirks*