It has been a while since I last updated, and for that I apologize.
This post will have two primary goals, to update y'all on the sexiness
I got in the mail and some mental health stuff. Sexy first:
My new hood from Mr. S came today, as did my new bootblacking supplies
to replace the crappy stuff I use on my dress shoes. Plus, It looks
killer with my new boots.
Mental health stuff:
I had my first experience in therapy this week of somatic
experiencing. Somatic experiencing is a therapy created by Dr. Peter
Levine used in the treatment of trauma. At it's core, it moves the
person out of trauma based on the theory out of the animal kingdom. I
had read about it in Levine's book "Waking the Tiger".
Basically:
"When a person encounters a traumatic situation, they may either fight
back, get away, or not act on their urges, said to be the "thwart"
response. It's in not acting, or not being able to act, that the
emotional damage is done."
They use animal studies to show that animals who freeze or flee
typically have a chance to expend the pent up emotions and chemicals
related to the stressor. A gazelle runs away and hopefully escapes.
A tiger fights back. Another animal may play dead, then once the
predator leaves, the animal will often have this weird "shaking off"
response then slowly "come back to life" like they are unthawing. It
is humans who do not do these things and often return to the
non-traumatized state too quickly to complete the cycle. My therapist
is a good woman, but lately I had felt a bit stuck because I'm often
very much in my head. She wanted me to be in my body, and asked if I
wouldn't consider somatic experiencing.
She had me sit on the couch I normally do, look at the floor and focus
on how I was feeling inside. Not what I was thinking, not an
intellectual response to how I was feeling, really core emotions and
where they were located. I said I felt anxious...she asked where. I
said my chest. She said to not try to stop it, just focus on it,
allow it to be...monitor what else I was feeling. Then I started
trembling, turned my head, and broke down crying. Not sobbing, but
those forceful yet silent tears that appear to flow without stopping.
It came from deep in me (and honestly, surprised the hell out of me).
She was brilliant.
(therapist = T, pup = p)
p: *crying silently, looking down at the couch*
T: Dont stop it, what are you feeling right now?
p: S..sad...so very sad.
T: Where are you feeling this sadness?
p: M..my chest, its like a weight...its hard to breathe *tears still coming*
T: What if you were to just invite the sadness in, to be present?
What would the sadness be telling you?
p: I dont know...its just there, I want it to go away.
T: And yet its here, and its here for a reason. Just observe it.
p: *cries more, sometimes harder, sometimes less* I'm embarrassed.
T: Why embarrassed?
p: I..I dont know, I dont normally get embarrassed about
crying...but...I cant look at you.
T: You dont have to. It's okay...what are you feeling now? (She asks
after some time has past with my silent tears)
p: My palms are sweaty...but I dont feel anxious anymore...
While this may not be typical for the way these things can go, the
therapist appeared concerned about me. She said this happens
sometimes in body work...like some people may be in yoga class and hit
a pose that just, for whatever reason, unlocks a torrent of emotions.
This did. She told me to contact her if things got weird before our
next session. I walked around the grocery store near her office for
almost an hour after in a daze. I felt spent, worn out, and
disconnected. Yet that night I slept and I didn't dream. All week
I've abstained from alcohol just to see what this feels like. A few
times I've been overcome with sadness at strange times that comes and
goes as quickly as it sprang up. I don't get it...but I'm hopeful I'm
releasing some of that pent up hurt over the years.
