If I had a pair of boots to grovel at to ask for forgiveness, I would. I say that not as a sarcastic comment, more of an "I'm sorry" for neglecting this blog as I have. I'm moving away from LJ but I also know the vast majority of people I know will not follow this one because it is not as easy to follow or their cup of tea. Regardless...
This month has held interesting events for me. My first big fetish house party, the further introspection into the pain in my personal life, and a push to return back to my slave heart. It hasn't been easy, but I'm trying. Don't ever let anyone say I didn't give my all.
My special dominant and I had a series of talks which left me with a lot to think about. Some of it is still fuzzy to me, others so crystal clear that it cut me. Either way, I'm visiting him in August. I don't know what all will happen, but I am so happy to get to finally see him, and rub his feet. I mean it when I say I could deal with it if sex didn't happen, as long as I got to kiss him and give him nightly foot rubs.
In my other areas of life things are stressful. I find myself purusing BDSM sites or whatever in my free time because it makes me feel better. My roommate and I went to a local fetish/queer event this weekend, and while I won't post what heppened here out of respect to his privacy, it reminded me how much I want that life. Also how good it feels to have someone say "Good boy..." in a soothing, almost cooing voice.
30 May 2011
08 May 2011
While many things in my life have changed recently, many remain eerily the same.
My special dom allowed me to wear his collar (a collar of consideration it is called) which made me very happy. We are both trying to figure out what it means in the context of our history and experiences, but needless to say I have to watch myself to not go "too far" as I typically do. See, I have this thing where I crave validation and attention from those closest to me. Particularly this dom, as getting a text from him quite literally can cheer a bad day up into a good one. The part where I go too far is that sometimes I seek his attention, or want to do something to show off for him that I think might make me look a touch crazy. Maybe thats not fair to myself, but I'm very much a guy who keeps his phone on him at all times. So I have a habit of texting often or sharing pics, which can make things weird at times. So I try to rein that stuff in.
I've always been an awkward guy. I'm less awkward in person and really want to ask him if I can visit, but I didn't meet the thing we agreed upon yet for me to visit...which makes me both sad and motivated. I Hope I can do it...I fear I can't. I think subs are always harder on ourselves than doms are on us.
My special dom allowed me to wear his collar (a collar of consideration it is called) which made me very happy. We are both trying to figure out what it means in the context of our history and experiences, but needless to say I have to watch myself to not go "too far" as I typically do. See, I have this thing where I crave validation and attention from those closest to me. Particularly this dom, as getting a text from him quite literally can cheer a bad day up into a good one. The part where I go too far is that sometimes I seek his attention, or want to do something to show off for him that I think might make me look a touch crazy. Maybe thats not fair to myself, but I'm very much a guy who keeps his phone on him at all times. So I have a habit of texting often or sharing pics, which can make things weird at times. So I try to rein that stuff in.
I've always been an awkward guy. I'm less awkward in person and really want to ask him if I can visit, but I didn't meet the thing we agreed upon yet for me to visit...which makes me both sad and motivated. I Hope I can do it...I fear I can't. I think subs are always harder on ourselves than doms are on us.
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