a gift

Today I found the gift for Papa that I had been searching for. I think he will like it. I can't wait to give it to him when I visit in November.

I'm looking forward to my trip in a few weeks out to see Sir again. Very much so in fact. I find comfort in that he sometimes "checks in on me" using the "find my friends" app on the iphone to see where I'm at. It makes me feel wanted and safe, even tho he's on another coast.

In other news, I've been having nightmares about my biological family. I called them yesterday to "check in". They were fine...but the dreams are increasingly vivid and clear, and I generally don't dream all that often. From a psychoanalytic perspective, they are troubling and strangely...comforting. A moving on, which is often represented in dreams as death. But its the type of death and the circumstances that bother me. Tomorrow is my "day off" but I have errands to run. Gotta get my HIV test stuff done and am going to work on cover letters afterwards. I was wondering last night if people actually read this stuff. lol.

I find that on days where I have considerably less sleep, I tend to feel more emotionally needy. Maybe that's not a good thing as I rarely get a good nights sleep. At least I have been hitting them gym 5 of 7 days this week. That's pretty good.

Anyway, the plan for today is classes, naked UV phototherapy, and hopefully a nap on the couch. *wags* We shall see.

Another Rinella book

Tonight I was lonely because I have done my best to avoid contacting Sir this weekend. He is at an event and spending time with friends. One of the things I promised to myself is that I would let him relax and enjoy his time without directing attention to me, so I've been doing my best. I knew it would be difficult (I often feel lost when I'm not in his presence) so I spent most of today reading. I started and completed "Partners in Power" by Jack Rinella. It was very good, though one of the sections I liked best was his description of Daddy/boy relationships.

I won't reprint it here, but his focus in this section was power and love. Master/slave relations have the strongest power dynamic, but Daddy/boy was second to this (regardless of whether Daddy or boy had the power)...but with Daddy and boy relationships, love played a much larger role than that of M/s ones. It was a touching, heartwarming chapter...one that I hope I can discuss at some point with Sir. I hope he has a good time, and that I'm being a good boy by not bothering him. I like to see him happy and having fun with his friends.

Jealousy and other thoughts

One of the books I have (“On Becoming a Slave” by Jack RInella) has a fantastic chapter in it written by his boy, Patrick regarding multiple partners, polyamory, and the nature of leather families and M/s relations. I wanted to reprint part of that here as a quote.

Sir told me, I believe, during our first phone call that (a) he had a lover, (b) he had a master, (c) they were not the same person, and (d) he was communicating ith an additional slave-applicant. In other words, it was possible that I’d be one of two slaves. That meant that I was the second to come along…I probably experienced a fleeting thought that I wouldn’t have him all to myself, but even then, I didn’t think in terms of his being mine. I was simply content with the idea of being his.

…Sir doesn’t belong to me. A slave belongs to the Master. The idea of being owned as property by a master is one of the primary reasons someone seeks slavery; so, it should follow that prospective slaves arnt seeking to own the relationship….The thought of him or her as “yours” can lead the way to possessiveness, which then leads to jealousy, which breaks down trust, which affects obedience, and so on.

I have a very strong mix of feeling with this paragraph. Here is why. I agree with part of it, the piece of belonging to the Master and that Master doesn’t “belong” to the slave. It’s not seeking to own the relationship. Where I guess I have conflicts is that I don’t think of him as “mine” in the extent that I control or own him…he is free to play with others, and in fact, does and has a husband. But I also love him, beyond a simple M/s dynamic. Some of the BDSM texts will refer to this as the "you want a boyfriend, not a Dom or Master" syndrome, but I don't see why one can't have both. In my opinion, the bond between a Master and his slave, a Master and his dog, or a Daddy and his boy SHOULD include love. How can it truly be 24/7 if it only exists when one of them has a hard on? I'm glad that love is there and is shared between us. I respect the authors feelings on this matter, but I feel this is one of those things we all have to discover for ourselves.

Another text down and some insights

I finished SlaveCraft tonight. I found a lot of wisdom in the book and I also felt a strange pull that I feel was most likely that button inside of myself that gets pushed when I do something inherently for others. This was strange to me because the purpose of reading the book was to further my own knowledge and help improve myself. I wasn't doing it for others. Honestly, I felt a little bit ashamed that I had that feeling.

One of the points of that the book makes is that when we do something for others, we strive to be selfless. We strive to not obtain a sense of pride from the (inherent) activity, because we are doing it out of obedience. Pride denotes a sort of ownership of the activity and the outcome. This is one of those things that I'm still thinking on. One of the points he made struck a chord with me though. In regard to "seeking" attention or response from a Master, a grateful slave wrote that this activity was problematic if not dealt with properly. The problem wasn't desiring to be nearer to the Master, the problem was the idea that the slave would know better than the Master. Simply put, if Master wanted to contact you or wanted you at his side, he would call you to it. The slaves job then, is to be available at beck and call to serve, and that if Master has not called you to him, you are doing his will BY NOT being there with him. The same idea is true of a task. :

If Master wanted the laundry done, slave would do the laundry. However, if Master got pleasure out of doing the laundry himself, the slave insisting or believing he should be doing the laundry is deriving the Master of pleasure and is contrary to the job of the slave.

This struck me because I often have these feelings. Sometimes I have in my head ideas for a ritual to do with him, or an activity I would like to perform for him. But in these actions, if Master does not want these activities, it is my job and duty to honor this (and by honoring it, honoring him). I like this idea. It is also a part where I know He can be very busy and has a busy life. There is nothign wrong with me contacting him, but I have slowly gotten better and moved away from the expectation of contact. I am grateful for his attentions when he gives them, and when he is busy I try to better myself for when he engages me again.

Now that I have finished this book, my next is Partners in Power (again by Mr Rinella). I have read two of his other books, so while some might be a refresher, I was always a fan of life long learning. I also have Rubel's "Master/slave Relations" - Theory and Practice to keep my subby brain busy.

A blog from last night

Last night after supper I was sitting on the couch reading SlaveCraft, a book written by “a grateful slave” and edited by Guy Baldwin, a well known man in the BDSM/leather communities.

As I was reading , something clicked in me at a level I had not felt (when alone) for many years. When I was in Papa’s home I felt it though. I felt it simply huddling at his feet…something that I think surprised him the first time I did it for no other reason than to be that close to him.

I felt “right”. When I was visiting Papa I had not gone with the expectation that he would take me as his or that he would offer me the chance to serve him. To be honest I thought the opposite. That changed when we met in person, but I think it’s important that I did not go with the knowledge that it existed as a possibility. I went on feeling, on desire…and I found myself finding joy in small tasks that in themselves lacked any real erotic aspect.

Master had told me he was to have friends over that evening for a BBQ and asked me to help him get ready for it. I found myself cleaning the grates on the grill to a degree that I think some felt was unnecessary as we were going to be grilling on it again that evening. I found myself cleaning up his kitchen, and finding joy in taking out his garbage. Even simply carrying the groceries out of the store, to the car, out of the car and to his home registered in me something that said “This is what you do, this is what feels right”.

I wore Master’s chain that entire trip, save the times he removed it from my throat when I would shower. I still wear it…although on work days I have to keep the chain and tag concealed under work wear.

In SlaveCraft, a grateful slave states that slaves often need to re-center themselves. We do this through a number of ways, sometimes by reminding ourselves of the moments when we were in our place, others by touching our collars, and still others simply by having contact with our Master who reminds us of our purpose. I find myself in those words. Sure, I will sometimes tug at Master’s collar to remind me and re-center me that distance is not forever. I also know that my collar has 14 links in it, connected at the middle by a ring. But more than the physical tug, I often find myself messaging him, selfishly wanting his contact. In some ways, I originally saw that contact and that yearning as me being willful and selfish. But something in the text caught my eye.

A grateful slave states that the difference between a submissive or a bottom and a slave is not necessarily in action but rather in intent. He uses the example of licking Master’s boots. A submissive or a bottom licks Master’s boots because it turns him on, and because Master wants it. When he does this, they both get what they want., but they get them from different aspects. Submissive gets pleasure out of the act, Master gets pleasure out of the act. But when the submissive cums or is no longer interested, he stops. The slave only stops when he can no longer physically perform the task or is instructed to stop. Master gets what he wants and gets pleasure out of the act. The slave gets pleasure out of Master getting pleasure. This is the key.

When I brought Master his drinks, served his friends drinks, and waited until last to eat, I found pleasure in Master being pleased with my performance. And its not that I did it for sex…when Master put me in chastity for two weeks, I found pleasure in it because it gave him pleasure.

Looking back on my life, I realized most of my actions were in service to others and those things brought me pleasure. I was directed to religion out of a sense of service to some higher power. My profession is inherently directed at serving other people and is something I am good at. I always felt like I functioned best in submission to others, but true joy came from those who recognized and honored my submission. I found that in Master. In Frank Hebert’s Dune, the Bene Gesserit Sisterhood’s motto was “We exist only to serve”. I don’t think I exist only to serve…but I do think my service gives my existence so much more happiness and meaning.