Today was the end of an assignment I had for the past week that involved a ball stretcher and pics twice a day. The end of this assignment is filled with sadness. Both because I like having active things to work on or contracted to do...but also because the end of it passed and was like a non-event.
I'm not going to go into it on here, but I'm clearly obsessing right now. Maybe I'm boycrazy or it's my abandonment/neglect/daddy issues...I need to get a lock on this before I fuck up what good I have going for me.
21 July 2012
07 July 2012
Closer to the Edge
When I was growing up in a small town in Texas, music was a way that I was able to connect with the right side of my brain and discover ways to cope with the mental anguish I was suffering through. The Cher album "Living Proof" had been one of the albums that really helped me through some difficult times....in particular, the track "Song for the Lonely."
Since the beginning of this year, I have endured quite a bit of suffering and my ego has been broken. I have felt some of the deepest sorrows, deep love, and quite a bit of self doubt regarding my future and what I've been doing with the past 8 years of my life in undergrad and graduate school. So I started therapy this year, and it has been incredible. Lately the band "Thirty Seconds to Mars" has been one of those bands whose songs have helped me endure, learn more about myself, and to cope with the intense emotions I've been feeling. I've been trying to figure out who I am...to remove the masks I've worn since I was 14. The religious, family masks, professional masks and the expectations of everyone around me. In the past year I've shed my former religious beliefs and have been trying to figure out what I believe...what I believe without the lenses I was forced into as a child.
It's been hard. I'd love to say I've come to some place of understanding or a place of piece where I can say without a doubt that I know what I believe or who I am. I can't say that. But I have found things that speak to me more than others. And I hope it continues.
Since the beginning of this year, I have endured quite a bit of suffering and my ego has been broken. I have felt some of the deepest sorrows, deep love, and quite a bit of self doubt regarding my future and what I've been doing with the past 8 years of my life in undergrad and graduate school. So I started therapy this year, and it has been incredible. Lately the band "Thirty Seconds to Mars" has been one of those bands whose songs have helped me endure, learn more about myself, and to cope with the intense emotions I've been feeling. I've been trying to figure out who I am...to remove the masks I've worn since I was 14. The religious, family masks, professional masks and the expectations of everyone around me. In the past year I've shed my former religious beliefs and have been trying to figure out what I believe...what I believe without the lenses I was forced into as a child.
It's been hard. I'd love to say I've come to some place of understanding or a place of piece where I can say without a doubt that I know what I believe or who I am. I can't say that. But I have found things that speak to me more than others. And I hope it continues.
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