Sometimes the hardest part of being separated by distance is the feeling that you can't do anything for the one you care about the most. Some would argue that submission or slavery entails a lack of emotion...that it is about obedience in a vacuum. To them I would say this.
The heart of a submissive for his Sir is love, amplified and deepened. It transcends miles, sexual experience, or limits. When I see him needing me, my problems and issues melt away and I only see his. Were the world mine, I would be there when he was stressed to help him relax, to take his mind off things, and to make his life run more smoothly. That is my daily prayer.
18 March 2012
12 March 2012
Therapy and passivity
One of the things I did in an attempt to prevent myself from making my past mistakes over again was to engage in therapy to deal with a lot of the baggage from my past. Being in a relatively progressive part of the country, finding a therapist who could understand my less than vanilla life was a necessity and thankfully not too difficult. What has proved difficult though is my own understanding of why my past has shaped me the way that it has and how ineffective it has really been.
In therapy, passivity often comes with negative connotations. Submission, humility, passivity...these are words that are loaded in therapists minds because they often carry with them an idea of unassertiveness or that the person is unwilling to stand up for their own wants, needs, and desires. In some ways, this can be helpful for a submissive. Too willful a submissive ceases to be a submissive and ends up being a bratty boy, or worse, someone who tops from the bottom. The key to healthy passivity or submission then, is truly to have a dominant person who respects that desire while at the same time looking out for the subs interests, lest they be left behind.
/rant.
In my own life what I have found is that I actually do stand up for myself in areas where I am not in a D/s-M/s role. More often than not, this gets me into trouble because people who know me take issue with the fact that I'm not submitting to them, even though we have no such arrangement. Yesterday I was having internet issues in our household. After a few drinks and being told it "had" to be my settings (even though mine had not changed, but settings on the home network had been) I became frustrated and went off to the room I'm sharing for the week with my other roommate. My ex has a visitor in the bed that used to be mine/ours when we were a couple. As I lay in bed I was frustrated and upset, because I knew that my behavior and frustration was clearly visible and would be attributed to other things rather than what I felt that it was. I was angry because had the tables been turned and any of the household members other than me were unable to get online, shit would have stopped. Everything would have been done right then to remedy the situation, and I wouldn't be left with the feeling that no one believed me or respected my opinion enough to even listen. Had it been my ex's, even if everyone elses internet worked, everything would have been changed to make sure his worked.
And I knew from past experience that this was never going to happen, because the double standard that always existed then still existed now, even without the power dynamic, and it made me angry.
I don't get angry a lot to be honest. Frustrated at times, usually I hold these thoughts in, or I deal with them through working out. But I slept awful last night, my skin was wracked with inflammation, and I know when I get home today I probably won't have working internet. I'm tired of being passive to people who don't respect me, but when I'm assertive I get beaten down and talked about like I'm the one with the problem. I'm glad I have this blog. Sometimes its the only place to vent or work things out outside of therapy without having to worry about burdening others with my issues. My joints actually ache today, its that bad.
\rant.
In therapy, passivity often comes with negative connotations. Submission, humility, passivity...these are words that are loaded in therapists minds because they often carry with them an idea of unassertiveness or that the person is unwilling to stand up for their own wants, needs, and desires. In some ways, this can be helpful for a submissive. Too willful a submissive ceases to be a submissive and ends up being a bratty boy, or worse, someone who tops from the bottom. The key to healthy passivity or submission then, is truly to have a dominant person who respects that desire while at the same time looking out for the subs interests, lest they be left behind.
/rant.
In my own life what I have found is that I actually do stand up for myself in areas where I am not in a D/s-M/s role. More often than not, this gets me into trouble because people who know me take issue with the fact that I'm not submitting to them, even though we have no such arrangement. Yesterday I was having internet issues in our household. After a few drinks and being told it "had" to be my settings (even though mine had not changed, but settings on the home network had been) I became frustrated and went off to the room I'm sharing for the week with my other roommate. My ex has a visitor in the bed that used to be mine/ours when we were a couple. As I lay in bed I was frustrated and upset, because I knew that my behavior and frustration was clearly visible and would be attributed to other things rather than what I felt that it was. I was angry because had the tables been turned and any of the household members other than me were unable to get online, shit would have stopped. Everything would have been done right then to remedy the situation, and I wouldn't be left with the feeling that no one believed me or respected my opinion enough to even listen. Had it been my ex's, even if everyone elses internet worked, everything would have been changed to make sure his worked.
And I knew from past experience that this was never going to happen, because the double standard that always existed then still existed now, even without the power dynamic, and it made me angry.
I don't get angry a lot to be honest. Frustrated at times, usually I hold these thoughts in, or I deal with them through working out. But I slept awful last night, my skin was wracked with inflammation, and I know when I get home today I probably won't have working internet. I'm tired of being passive to people who don't respect me, but when I'm assertive I get beaten down and talked about like I'm the one with the problem. I'm glad I have this blog. Sometimes its the only place to vent or work things out outside of therapy without having to worry about burdening others with my issues. My joints actually ache today, its that bad.
\rant.
11 March 2012
A visitor from the past
My ex's visitor is driving me crazy. It's like he has an answer for everything and keeps wanting to show off with his knowledge. I know some of that is to impress my ex, but its getting on my nerves. That, and he's following me around. I don't know why he wants me to like him. I'm being polite, but its hard to be polite when you've been relocated to another room and he's making accommodations for that person that he never made for you. I'm also trying to ignore the incessant humming. I think I'm taking little things too personally.
Anyway, yesterday was a bit rough for me. I did something I feel bad about. I had sent a few messages off to Sir and his husband and hadn't heard anything back. (It turned out they had been hanging out with other folks and Sir spent most of the day gaming). But I worried because I hadn't heard from them. Eventually I caught Sir before bed and he called me because he was concerned. He wasn't angry by any means, but I suddenly felt bad because he was trying to relax all day and what I realized was that he was worried I had felt neglected. I was both happy he was concerned about my feelings and upset with myself that I didn't let him relax as much as I could have.
This is an issue I've talked about with my therapist before. Some of it is a validation piece, but a lot is issues from my childhood about needing reassurance things are okay (both relationship wise and just general existence wise). When I was a young boy, my parents (who belonged to a very strict Christian evangelical sect) would speak of the rapture and being left behind for being a sinner….and I spent so many days coming home from school terrified when I couldn't find them and there was no note that I was left behind. The fear in that still grips me to this day in other realms outside of spirituality. I didn't think Sir had been pulled up in the rapture, but I was worried something had happened. I need to work on that.
Anyway, yesterday was a bit rough for me. I did something I feel bad about. I had sent a few messages off to Sir and his husband and hadn't heard anything back. (It turned out they had been hanging out with other folks and Sir spent most of the day gaming). But I worried because I hadn't heard from them. Eventually I caught Sir before bed and he called me because he was concerned. He wasn't angry by any means, but I suddenly felt bad because he was trying to relax all day and what I realized was that he was worried I had felt neglected. I was both happy he was concerned about my feelings and upset with myself that I didn't let him relax as much as I could have.
This is an issue I've talked about with my therapist before. Some of it is a validation piece, but a lot is issues from my childhood about needing reassurance things are okay (both relationship wise and just general existence wise). When I was a young boy, my parents (who belonged to a very strict Christian evangelical sect) would speak of the rapture and being left behind for being a sinner….and I spent so many days coming home from school terrified when I couldn't find them and there was no note that I was left behind. The fear in that still grips me to this day in other realms outside of spirituality. I didn't think Sir had been pulled up in the rapture, but I was worried something had happened. I need to work on that.
06 March 2012
My life, my submission, my future
2012 hasn't been very good for me. In terms of my future career, I feel discouraged due to the way residency matchings went. It has made me feel strange regarding my future, as I had hoped to be on residency this year.
I don't normally post here about my life outside of sex, kink, fetish or love. It's not that its not important, just that with my job I try to keep those areas separate. Sir has been in more contact recently, something I am so grateful for.
He's so good to me, it makes me smile writing about it even :) I've been such a hot mess over the past month and he has been so supportive and awesome about it, and I'm gearing up for his birthday this summer. I hope its the best birthday he's ever had. I'm so happy I'll get to be there for it too.
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