New Years Eve

I was hoping to talk to Sir tonight but he is busy with New Years Eve things back east. Regardless, I hope he has a good evening and a fantastic 2012. I'm very thankful and grateful to be at his service.

A recap of 2011 might be in order, but to be honest you could re-read these posts and those of my twitter feed to see how 2011 went for me. Honestly it was a very mixed bag. My relationship of 4 and a half years ended in the early Spring in a very hurtful way. While it was not something that came as a huge shock, the barbs that were exchanged were painful to say the least. In early Summer I had been invited out to visit Sir to hang out and he called me at work and had a talk with me. That talk turned out to be one of the most painful experiences I have ever had. Of our pasts, my own choices I had made and how they had hurt him and how they had led him to the decision he came to...and him telling me I could still come visit but that it wouldn't ever be like it could have been prior to my decisions.

I was thinking about that conversation today. He was right and to this day I carry a heavy heart about the amount of pain I caused him. I had no idea so many years ago that he cared about me like that. Maybe it was miscommunication on both of our parts, but my actions caused him significant distress and I still feel bad about it sometimes. The "what if's" never seem to fade away. When I did visit, things were very different. There was certainly a spark there, a passion and devotion that came forth that I knew I had carried within me for a long time. There were tears and long talks, fun times and painful admissions... But I was smitten. In love, in service, in wanting to take care of and service this man as long as I was able and he wanted me.

I've shared all of these feelings with him and along with them, the painful weight I carry where I want to make sure he never again feels the way he did so many years ago due to my choices. I also recognize that those choices affected a great deal, the type of relationship we have, the roles we assume, the labels we take even. At the end of that painful phone call this summer, when I felt like I had lost everything and I was ashamed for having hurt him so badly, he asked me if I still wanted him in my life knowing that certain things probably would never be. I said yes, that he was important to me and I wanted him in my life regardless of the form or function. In early Fall after our long talks, tears and my visit, he gave me an ownership tag and said I was his...and I still stand by my commitment. I would do anything to make him happy, bring him pleasure, and make his life easier. It turned out that some of the things that he said might not ever be did happen. 2011 brought me moments where it seemed like we had no future in a love/sex/BDSM/Ms sense due to choices I made in my past...and 2011 brought me moments that made me happy and hopeful for the future and exposed me to a headspace and role that has brought me more joy and happiness in a few visits than I have felt in years.

I found happiness at Sir's feet in 2011. Here is to 2012.

On skin and health.

Days like today make me long for the possibility of being normal. Normal skin, normal health concerns, ect...and while I know nothing is "normal" some things are more statistically typical for guys my age...and I don't have it.

I'd love to know what its like to be able to not have other people point out my skin issues to me, to ask offensive questions like if its contagious, sexually transmitted, or lupus. To be able to shower whenever I wanted without having to worry about the significant pain from the water hitting my skin...which leaves me hunched over, rocking in tears like an autistic child.

Today I crawled out of bed, blearly eyed because I could not sleep due to the pain. I knew a shower wasn't possible, so I sat down in a tub full of warm water and bit my lip until it subsided. Then I patted dry gently, took anti-inflammatories and pain killers and limped to work. I stand and sit like an old men on days like this. I walk with a limp and it hurts to do the most basic of human tasks. And when people ask you about your limp, you can't tell them that its your skin, and certainly not in the areas my skin are the worst. It's a quiet suffering.

Lastly, I'd love to be able to show my body off and make Sir proud with it. To not have to make excuses for why I cannot perform a specific activity due to my skin. Sometimes I wonder if my assignments come more infrequent now due to the last time one was requested of me I was unable due to my skin issues. Not out of a sense of malice on his part, but a sense of concern or fear of hurting me.

I gave myself another injection tonight and just sat on the floor, cradling my dog and fighting back tears. I wouldn't have to be perfect, I just don't want to feel and look like a leper.

The holidays for a kinky puppy

The holiday season is always very mixed for me. On the one hand, it is my favorite time of year. I love Christmas and the whole ritual involved in the tree, decorations, food, drink and family. On the other hand, I haven't had good holidays through much of my life. This isn't one of those "I didn't get what I wanted for Christmas" things, rather, most of my holidays were filled with painful memories of the acceptance I didn't have, physical assaults from holidays past, and the reminder of my own status below the poverty line. While Christmas shouldn't be about gifts, there are a few special people in my life I like to go out of my way for and rarely am I able to give them the gifts I feel they deserve. I also have never been very good at receiving gifts, as I rarely feel I deserve the gifts I have been given. It's a complicated mess lol.

This holiday was the first one where I really felt kind of alone for the season. I don't mean that in a "I don't have anyone, no one loves me" kinda way, please don't misunderstand. I meant it more in a physical presence type of way. Sir is on the East Coast, and I doubt he understands that telling me he'll see me in January does little to make it easier being lonely/horny, ect. I don't mean that in a rude way, I just mean that he has loved ones around him and looks at the world and relationships (even time) quite differently than I do. I doubt he finds himself kicking himself for sending texts messages and waiting for replies like a horny schoolboy who checks "Do you like me? Check yes or no" and awaits a letter back in the way that I do. Yes, even cyber sex like responses I send. In some ways, I feel like because I'm so far away, it's all I have really.

I was able to Facetime with him briefly on Christmas which made me feel better. The whole power dynamic relationship sometimes gets complicated to me due to my own willfulness and feelings of need and want. Sometimes I have this urge to put them upon him, which is folly on my part as a submissive. But like I often say, I'm working on it.

I start work back tomorrow so maybe being more distracted will help me. I'm just getting stir crazy here at the house, constantly glancing at my phone or email for some sort of contact. Maybe someday I'll be able to tone that constant desire for contact and affection down. Until then, maybe I can find a few dominant men to chat with so I don't pressure Sir so much with it.

This isn't related to kink or anything, more of my own issues. You can skip if you want.

When I was little I had very vivid dreams that I would remember for days after waking. These were often like deja vu instances, but I also had really bad dreams that would scare me. Despite my parents being strong evangelicals, they got me a dream catcher (our local high school team was an "Indian" and I think they read about dream catchers in some magazine). Normally that kind of thing would not be allowed in my home as "witchcraft" but they allowed it. The bad dreams stopped, and so did the good ones.

When I moved away to go to college, the dreams did not return. I blamed this on my skin concerns keeping me awake at night. It's hard to dream if you rarely dip into REM sleep. Then about 4 years ago, they came back with a vengeance. Terrible dreams, nightmares, and overall bad dreams that I feared were predictive of something (like dreaming your pal gets in a car accident, then a year later it happening just as you dreamed). These were the dreams of my child hood that seemed predictive. When I was a boy my grandmother told me we were part Indian way back on her side of the family (which turned out to be true, surprisingly). She said these dreams were a sign I was different. Interesting wisdom from someone who would later believe my homosexuality was sinful, but I digress.

Lately my dreams have been of my ex, but they haven't been nightmares in a Wes Craven sense. They have been of events that actually happened, or events that might have happened. These dreams are awoken from with a sense of dread. Other dreams are Wes Craven like where it feels like im not actually dreaming. I had my parents ship me that dream catcher, and I got one that was made by a local tribe here as well. This time, the dreams have not stopped. Last night I woke up, clinging to my pitbull with tear stains on my pillow.

I feel so absolutely broken.

A cold night

I found myself today feeling needy and wanting Sir. I feel bad sometimes messaging him about it though, as I know he is busy and the weekends are the time when he relaxes. I also know deep down that there is nothing he can really do about my feelings of loneliness or needy. Rather than burden him with it, I just tend to be quiet and send him a message every day or so to let him know im thinking of him. But it's hard...and I feel kinda lost. I know I'll see him in January but it doesn't make the days and nights easier.

Submission is a funny thing. On the one hand, you want to be self-sustaining and bring pleasure to those in a dominant position in your life. On the other hand, at your core there is a desire to please, a desire that Sir's wish be your own and that you do what he wants, when he wants, and ask permission for the willful or other things you want to do. Now I know everyone doesn't view it this way, but bear with me.

Then there comes bad feelings. Depression, loneliness, or a sense of feeling like your life isn't going well in some area. These feelings are hard for me, most of which I've had a lot of my life. It wasn't that I never had anyone, but from a psychological perspective, I have a "disorganized attachment".

For those of you who don't have psychology backgrounds, in psychology (particularly psychodynamic theory - think Freud, Jung, ect) there exists theories of attachment. These theories speculate that we develop patterns of attachment from our parents, most importantly, mother. We learn these before we can even speak because they are modeled to us and exist at a subconscious level. With mothers, you have two outcomes. Secure attachment and insecure attachment.

Secure attachment is where the child turns out great, is independent, able to deal and soothe themselves with no problems, ect. These children grow into confident adults that generally lack neuroses. Insecure attachment is the children who fail to learn to properly self soothe, often are emotionally needy or emotionally dead, and sometimes end up very dependent on other people. (These are broad, sweeping generalizations keep in mind, its a theory).

There are books upon books about attachment theory, but since its my blog, I'll just mention me. For me this often shows up in "needy" behaviors such as seeking reassurance that I'm wanted or needed, that I'm a good boy, and that everything is okay with those around me. It also tends to show up with me "checking in" a lot to make sure the other person knows im interested. While this can be good and bad, in my life it has historically caused bad interactions. My last boyfriend said that despite a "power dynamic" that we had (not a healthy one), he didn't want to talk about his feelings. He felt put upon to answer me when I asked him these questions, and in some ways I understand this. It can be taxing to always be commenting on the status of the relationship, but I'm a communication oriented beast.

My older brother emailed me this evening answering some questions about his early childhood memories of me. They are upsetting, but seem to fill in what I had suspected. I'll write more on this stuff later. I have had this in draft for days and if I don't post it now, it might never leave draft.