Quasi

I think I may have found a new shrink.  We'll see.  I talked to her on the phone yesterday and she seemed nice enough.  She's not all CBT which is good (as someone in the field, certain things are good for cognitive behavioral stuff, some stuff not).  What I'm dealing with is not.  I want a more holistic, integrative shrink who is more dynamic and attachment related...so it sounds like that might be a match.

I'm looking forward to trying at least, and she takes my insurance.  She is going to try to work out an evening appointment too.  She said it'll be difficult as those are popular times, but I think my insistence demonstrated I want this and I'm not fooling around.  I told her if its after 5, I'd make it work.  She's checking to see.

Last weekend I was invited to a sweat and it went really well.  This week I also made my medicine bag and smudged more often.  It is very centering and connecting, which I like.  Sometimes I'll come home from work and smudge, and given the pain and trauma I deal with daily, it's a good ritual to disconnect and not take it all home with me.  We'll see how it goes.

I'm looking forward to Samhain this week.  I stopped into the Bontaníca and bought some candles.  It'll be my first where I can actually practice the way I want with the freedom to do whatever.  I'm rather excited about it.

And sexually, I've just been a neglected beast.  I'm not kidding, my libido is through the roof and I've been shot down at every attempt (in person) which has pretty much left me searching online.  I did find a fella who likes to roleplay and that's been a nice outlet.  He's even into the power dynamic stuff and has helped me not feel like a submissive Quasimodo.  Anyway, that's it for now.

I made a joke tonight about my inability to cook certain things that was very triggering and basically shut down the conversation I was having.  

I can't seem to do anything right.  I try to be honest and it bites me in the ass.  Sometimes I wonder if it'd be better for me to just walk around with a big fake smile plastered on, say everything is awesome and that I'm flawless.  Because in my field, in my training, that's not how we do things.  We talk about our flaws, we discuss with people how we feel, and conversations end mutually.  I'm sitting here confused, scared I fucked something really important to me up, and also not even sure how I could have prevented it.

And that is the worst feeling I know.