I haven't updated this in a little while and something very important to me happened that I felt was spot on to go in here.

The special dom who I sometimes mention here gave me an assignment and while I won't put the details in here until I know he is cool with that, I was pretty stoked to say the least. More than stoked really. It has brought up a surge of feelings within me though, some of which are new and some of which are a little scary. The new things involve chastity where its not simply a "I'm going to hold off jerking for a while to make the end result more powerful". My history of chastity is slim despite having wanted to do those things for a long time. A lot of that is I never understood other subs I knew who would buy their own chastity device and simply wear it "just because". It wasn't that they bought it, it was that they were wearing it simply to wear it. That takes a lot of it's magic away to me. It's like wearing a collar that you bought just to wear it. Sure, it can be fun and fashionable, but it doesn't have the meaning or power it does if someone else puts it on you.

I'm not afraid I will fail at the task. I have the will power to keep my paws off my junk and the like. My fear is that I will ask for too much, or request too much attention. It's something I need to work on. Part of it is because every power dynamic, even between the same people is different from time to time. I have friends who the Masters who hold their contracts/leashes want to know where they are and what they are doing at all times. Other subs I know have masters who only want them when they are horny. I think most people fall into the middle somewhere. I don't know where (if anywhere) this assignment or meeting in August will lead things. Maybe no where, maybe somewhere. Regardless, I am going to stay in the moment, do my best, and try to make him proud. I'd love for it to go to something longer term (not specifically the chastity, tho that has been fun too), more of the over all power dynamic.

Oh yeah, and it makes my already high 26 year old libido even higher, which is aces. ;)

I humbly apologize

If I had a pair of boots to grovel at to ask for forgiveness, I would. I say that not as a sarcastic comment, more of an "I'm sorry" for neglecting this blog as I have. I'm moving away from LJ but I also know the vast majority of people I know will not follow this one because it is not as easy to follow or their cup of tea. Regardless...

This month has held interesting events for me. My first big fetish house party, the further introspection into the pain in my personal life, and a push to return back to my slave heart. It hasn't been easy, but I'm trying. Don't ever let anyone say I didn't give my all.

My special dominant and I had a series of talks which left me with a lot to think about. Some of it is still fuzzy to me, others so crystal clear that it cut me. Either way, I'm visiting him in August. I don't know what all will happen, but I am so happy to get to finally see him, and rub his feet. I mean it when I say I could deal with it if sex didn't happen, as long as I got to kiss him and give him nightly foot rubs.

In my other areas of life things are stressful. I find myself purusing BDSM sites or whatever in my free time because it makes me feel better. My roommate and I went to a local fetish/queer event this weekend, and while I won't post what heppened here out of respect to his privacy, it reminded me how much I want that life. Also how good it feels to have someone say "Good boy..." in a soothing, almost cooing voice.

While many things in my life have changed recently, many remain eerily the same.

My special dom allowed me to wear his collar (a collar of consideration it is called) which made me very happy. We are both trying to figure out what it means in the context of our history and experiences, but needless to say I have to watch myself to not go "too far" as I typically do. See, I have this thing where I crave validation and attention from those closest to me. Particularly this dom, as getting a text from him quite literally can cheer a bad day up into a good one. The part where I go too far is that sometimes I seek his attention, or want to do something to show off for him that I think might make me look a touch crazy. Maybe thats not fair to myself, but I'm very much a guy who keeps his phone on him at all times. So I have a habit of texting often or sharing pics, which can make things weird at times. So I try to rein that stuff in.

I've always been an awkward guy. I'm less awkward in person and really want to ask him if I can visit, but I didn't meet the thing we agreed upon yet for me to visit...which makes me both sad and motivated. I Hope I can do it...I fear I can't. I think subs are always harder on ourselves than doms are on us.

On my silence...

I haven't posted here in a long time. That reason is many things, but to start with, my relationship of almost five years ended.

I can't say that I didn't know it was going to come eventually. While I had secretly hoped that things would change, I'm educated enough to know that people don't change when they don't want to. I'm also educated enough to be ignorant of my situations. The "well, it's different when it's you" thing. Regardless, the end of my relationship has caused a welling up of thoughts and feelings with in me. Not the least of which has been a sexual pull back to the things that burned so brightly in me prior to the relationship five years ago that slowly dimmed over time.

I've had the urge to reconnect with gay culture more, go out and dance more, and I've been hitting the gym since November (and starting to see results that make me happy). Since the end of my relationship, I've also noticed a mental crack in that facade I had before. My ex spent a lot of time saying negative things about certain groups of people ("freaks" he sometimes called them) and would not engage me in the very things he once said he was also into (like puppy play and the like). At the time it seemed to make sense and be related to stresses at work and life in general.

Over time tho, I vacillated between wanting it and feeling bad for wanting it, and telling myself I didn't want it to make not getting it hurt less. And as I've come to realize….I spent so long telling myself I didn't want it that now I need encouragement to get back into it. Luckily I have someone who wants to help me get back into it, but I'll admit, like most people who act skeptical about a lot of things, a lot of what is keeping me shy of it is fear.

Fear that it'll complicate things at the house. Fear that my name might get out there too much and it damage my professional career…lots of fears. It'll take time to not instantly react with skepticism…but I'm working on it.

willful puppy love

I was hitting refresh on my email hoping for a response from the special Dom who I made another video for.  I went to the gym though and realized he was probably in bed.  Regardless, I anxiously await his response in the morning.  I know this is willfulness and wanting a certain outcome, but I can't help it.  After making the video (in which I did cum), later on I was hard again imagining him watching it, of how he'd reply...ect. 

I laid on the couch and took a nap...and had a dream I lived in this apartment where I went around in gear most of the day and did all of my activities at home in gear.  It was an oddly hot fantasy...though clearly not something "real".  We all know 24/7 isn't really an option.

On slutty stories and whorish fantasy

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A brief update

I was watching "The Empire Strikes Back" and remembered when I saw the movie as a young boy and was enamored with Lord Vader's relationship to the Emperor.  Him walking up in that leather outfit, kneeling down on that platform and saying "How may I serve you, my Master?"  I always thought he was lucky, to have someone to defer to.  In my own mind, someone to crouch at their feet, or to show up and serve in a way that pleases Him, or to be told what I have done is good...

This weekend I completed a task for a special Dominant in my life.  I realized when I was texting him after emailing the results that I wanted to call him Master.  I wanted to badly...and I also realized I had no right to, as I could not make that committment to him with my current life situations and my current life choices. That is not me giving away the responsibility, thats why I said situation AND choices.

I'm going to California soon for work.  I wish I could visit the Sir I spoke of a minute ago instead, but this is important for my job.  The good thing is I'll have a lot of alone time in my hotel room to reflect and relax.  Part of me hopes he'll be around, so at the very least I can spend that weekend when I'm not in meetings acting as if I was His.