Apologies

I said I'd continue my previous post but failed to do so. Sorry about that.

To continue, I guess one thing I learned is that my anxieties (although not rational, like most anxiety) have lately given me a window into my own stuff that gets in the way of my happiness and causes strain in the lives of those around me.

An example would be this weekend. Papa had a long weekend and has a new kitten in the home, so I wanted to give him ample time to relax and try to bother him as little as possible. Since this blog is my honest thoughts and what went on in my head, here it goes.

I was happy to give Papa the time to relax. When he is relaxed he is so much happier, and I love seeing him calm and relaxed like that. I had texted him just to say hi and check in since I had not messaged him all day, so when I didn't get a response I figured he was busy and I was good with that. Later on, I got a response and we exchanged a few messages over the weekend (but less than we normally do). What went on in my head though was a mess of things. Suprisingly for someone who is an anxious puppy, I don't generally jump to jealousy. It's rare for me to truly feel jealous, particulary in the realm of sex. The fact that Sir is attractive and that he has people he plays with does not bother me, and in fact often makes me proud. But what happened in my head this weekend was that I suddenly felt unneeded.

From a submissive standpoint, no Sir "needs" the specific sub. It's not about need, its about desire and want (and I know this, its actually a good thing). I realized though that in my head, things about us and our relationship had evolved in my head after my visit with him and part of me was struck by a fear of "What if the novelty of me wore off". This isn't jealousy (especially because he was at home playing with the new member of the family)...but rather, its a part of my own internal struggle I have not yet overcome. It is the part in me that says I dont deserve this Sir as well as the fears about what if this turns out like the other relationships I've been in.

The point tho is that this is my problem, its all in my head. He did nothing to cause this, nor is there really anything he could do to remedy it. It is a self-esteem issue in my brain that I need to work on. Right now I feel vulnerable posting about it as I feel like this might be a "red flag" for those reading it. But I'm being honest. Today I was better, though I still felt that worry sometimes on the train or when I'd check my phone. I'm working on this and I will make it through. I feel like I'm rambling...anyway, I'm going to head to bed.

I wrote this on the plane...

My trip to visit Papa was fantastic beyond words. This also made leaving harder than when I left the first time. I remember the first time being plagued with fear…what did it mean, what was I doing, would he like me, would I be welcome back…those kind of things.

This time (as I've spoken about previously) those issues were not the same as this time. This time was more practical. Would my skin behave, would he have the same interest he had before, ect ect. I truly am my own worst enemy.

In my eyes, the almost 5 days I spent with Papa were magical. I had many new experiences…not to mention, as I'm writing this on the flight back to the West Coast, my nipples are almost raw, which is a nice feeling. There was fantastic sex (the best I've ever had to be sure), but also there was an overwhelming calm I had.

I once had a coworker as me if I was an anxious person. At first, my mind said "of course not, I'm a mellow guy" which is how most people who know me describe me. But its a facade. I'm not terribly mellow…in fact, ever since about the age of 16 or so I have functioned at a moderate level of anxiety that regularly spikes due to my environment. Sure, I know coping skills, but when you go back to the same environment they soon wear out. We are landing, will finish this post later.

Faithfully, bailey

Throughout the flurry of applications I've been sending off for residency, I now have less than 48 hours and I will be on the East Coast to spend some time with Sir. It's both an exciting and nervous feeling in my belly. The nervousness isn't anything about Sir really. The first visit I had a wealth of anxiety about whether or not he'd like me in person, what the visit meant, ect. I mean, we have known each other almost 7 years and that was the first time we met in person. This time those things are gone and like I do, I've replaced them with other things.

In some ways I deal with this feeling of wondering what is and isn't appropriate. Yesterday I was out walking in the hipster district of the city I live in. It was a beautiful fall day. The air was crisp, I had a cup of hot coffee from Noah's...all was good. But something was missing. I wanted him here with me. I'd step into some shop and see something that I thought he'd like, and it was then I realized just how head over heels I really am.

When you read books on power dynamics you often find a theme of pushing too much, too far, too fast on the part of the sub. It's that feeling that things have clicked and fallen into place. At its core is a fear of scaring Sir away. For some, the idea of a sub saying "I'm forever yours" is foolish...the idea that one would plan or base their relationship or life on such a statement. In other ways, its romantic. I don't casually enter into relationships or casually say I love you. Even when relationships have gone south, I still have a spot in my heart for those men. Some I still love very deeply. When I say forever, I mean that that person has touched me to the degree that no matter what happens, they will always have a piece of my heart. In the case of Sir, he's had it for 7 years. I really didn't have any idea he liked me, nor did I realize the hurt I caused him when I entered into unhealthy relationships with others that he had warned me about. If I had known...well...we can't go back in time can we? Sometimes I wonder tho, who'd Id be know, what my life would have been like if these years had been different. Would I have as many gray hairs, as many health issues? Would I walk through the world with my shields up not trusting what others tell me for fear of them using and hurting me? What I do know is that I've kept his chats and photos with me this whole time, and when things got bad, he was always there for me. Even during my embarassing or immature moments, and for that I am grateful.

While he can tell me many times how patient he is, or how he'll wait wherever residency takes me, there is that underlying concern that in the meantime a more experienced sub/slave/puppy/boy will come into the picture and that my inexperience and substantial distance will negatively impact the really good thing we have going. I've shared these thoughts with Sir, but they haven't gone away yet. And that's my issue. It's not his doing or his problem to fix really. It's my baggage, baggage I'm slowly working on. It's gotten better since I was there last. I feel more integrated into his life than I did in my past LTR which lasted almost 5 years.

My second concern is the Sunday when I have to leave. Leaving last time was terribly difficult for me. Everyday weighed on me as one closer to having to leave again. Not to be overly dramatic, but it's kinda pathetic to see a bearded, short haired man in a collar choking back tears in a Duncan Donuts in an airport. Maybe thats what makes it genuine too. In my line of work we talk often about expressing and sharing feelings. I've been open and honest with Sir about the extent of my feelings. Maybe it's best expressed in a Journey song.

Highway run, into the midnight sun

Wheels go round and round, you're on my mind.

Restless hearts, sleep alone tonight

Sending all my love along the wire.

They say that the road ain't no place to start a family

And right down the line its been you and me

and loving a music man ain't always what its supposed to be

oh girl, you stand, by me.

I'm forever yours, faithfully.

Circus life under the big top world,

we all need the clowns to make us smile

Through space and time, always another show

Wondering where I am, lost without you.

And being apart isnt easy on this love affair

two strangers learn to fall in love again

I get the joy of rediscovering you,

oh girl, you stand, by me

I'm forever yours, faithfully.

I'm still yours, faithfully.

Excitement

Despite my lack of sleep and my bleary eyes, I'm terribly excited right now. In exactly one week I will be on a plane heading out to visit Sir again. I'd bounce on my tail if I could.

Lately I have felt a bit like a pain just because I've been this needy ball of submissive energy in regard to messaging him. I think it's a mixture of wanting to make sure he realizes how important it is to me to serve and please him but also to show I'm engaged in the power dynamic. The past two days I've been trying to back off a bit and not appear crazy 8)

At home things have been a little crazy, what with school stuff and work. I feel like I pass out rather than go to bed. When I "sleep" its fitful and not too good. Interesting how that changed while I was on the East Coast visiting Sir last time. I feel calm and relaxed around him, something I never feel in my day to day life. It's a very good thing.

~bailey