To continue, I guess one thing I learned is that my anxieties (although not rational, like most anxiety) have lately given me a window into my own stuff that gets in the way of my happiness and causes strain in the lives of those around me.
An example would be this weekend. Papa had a long weekend and has a new kitten in the home, so I wanted to give him ample time to relax and try to bother him as little as possible. Since this blog is my honest thoughts and what went on in my head, here it goes.
I was happy to give Papa the time to relax. When he is relaxed he is so much happier, and I love seeing him calm and relaxed like that. I had texted him just to say hi and check in since I had not messaged him all day, so when I didn't get a response I figured he was busy and I was good with that. Later on, I got a response and we exchanged a few messages over the weekend (but less than we normally do). What went on in my head though was a mess of things. Suprisingly for someone who is an anxious puppy, I don't generally jump to jealousy. It's rare for me to truly feel jealous, particulary in the realm of sex. The fact that Sir is attractive and that he has people he plays with does not bother me, and in fact often makes me proud. But what happened in my head this weekend was that I suddenly felt unneeded.
From a submissive standpoint, no Sir "needs" the specific sub. It's not about need, its about desire and want (and I know this, its actually a good thing). I realized though that in my head, things about us and our relationship had evolved in my head after my visit with him and part of me was struck by a fear of "What if the novelty of me wore off". This isn't jealousy (especially because he was at home playing with the new member of the family)...but rather, its a part of my own internal struggle I have not yet overcome. It is the part in me that says I dont deserve this Sir as well as the fears about what if this turns out like the other relationships I've been in.
The point tho is that this is my problem, its all in my head. He did nothing to cause this, nor is there really anything he could do to remedy it. It is a self-esteem issue in my brain that I need to work on. Right now I feel vulnerable posting about it as I feel like this might be a "red flag" for those reading it. But I'm being honest. Today I was better, though I still felt that worry sometimes on the train or when I'd check my phone. I'm working on this and I will make it through. I feel like I'm rambling...anyway, I'm going to head to bed.
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