(If you don't want to read me whine, you can skip this post).
I had gone to bed prior to midnight because I didn't want to ring in the New Year alone in my living room. I figured being asleep would at least quicken the push to morning. Except I couldn't sleep, because my skin was on fire. It was like being pricked with hot needles all over my body and my heart was racing. Not wanting to keep my ex up, I crawled out of bed, took some aspirin and sat on the sofa in the dark holding my knees to my chest. It was a truly miserable night. At some point I turned my cell phone off and laid there hoping I'd pass out. It was a horrible, lonely feeling. All I could think of was how normal people didn't have these kind of health problems and how if this was what 2012 was going to bring then fuck it. There was this praying/pleading thing to God that lasted for maybe 30 minutes to an hour, but I gave up. I think I passed out around 5. It felt and looked pathetic.
In the cold light of morning it felt more pathetic rather than the clarity that usually comes from day light. Everyone had their posts of how awesome their parties were last night or the fun that they had last night and it just made me feel a hint of bitterness. I think it was bitterness because I had the opposite of all that. Mine wasn't just "not fun" it was miserable and painful (physically and emotionally). Looking at it now, I also feel a sense of shame because even though I've written all of this out, I don't really want to talk about it...and yet I do... The mix comes from the fact that I don't want to hear it'll be okay or the optimism of what the year could bring for my health because I've heard that every year since I was 16 regarding my skin and it has never come true.
I'm not a proud puppy right now. To be honest, I'm hating myself something awful for things I have no control over. It's not logical, but its honest.
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