One dream involved me having sex with my ex. In the dream, my ex asked me to slow down when performing oral sex (something I'm skilled at) and my roommate entered the room. My roommate is someone I have been physically attracted for a long time, but also, someone who has made it clear he has no interest in playing with me and never will. In the dream, he puts on a tape for "mood" and I am ignored...eventaully, I have to get up to go work...and my alarm goes off, and I awaken.
The second dream is fuzzier and of the same "cannon". A dream cannon is like a film. A lot of dreams have different logic, different settings, times, places...situations...and its rare for me to stay in the same cannon. Last night my dream placed me in another situation where like the first dream, I was wanted when I was wanted, ignored when I was not, and banished.
This week has been hard on me, as I started therapy (on my own) and my family has been involved in some serious drama regarding the politics of life, healthcare, and respecting ones wishes even when it goes against your religious beliefs. Even in my intake with my therapist, he commented on my strength and asked how I was able to deal with the cards in life I had been dealt. I don't doubt my own strength, but I ignored a lot of it. I accepted so much abuse, so much maltreatment because I preferred poor treatment to being ignored. It's the thing I fear worse than anything....that someone will simply ignore me.
When I was little my evangelical parents would tell me of the rapture and of being "left behind". My father loved those books, and I remember racing home, yelling for my parents...praying that I wasn't abandoned when they were taken up to heaven. As an adult, I find myself wanting to continuously engage with the people I care about...seeking their approval, checking in, wanting to be sure things are okay and doubting my ability to keep them okay based on this fear. I fear people moving on from me, as most of my relationships have ended when my partners kept quiet about their wants and needs changing to newer and more novel things. I also notice changing the words I use to refer to men I care about...Sir becomes Papa, which becomes Daddy in my emotionally weak moments. It's not that Daddy is a bad thing, but when I use it, its a desire to be cared for, protected, held and guided. Even Papa is the same. Sir is a more formal term, but no less affectionate. My interests in age play, AB/DL stuff comes not from a desire to be an infant, but rather...a sort of unconditional love and nurturing that I never received as a boy.
I don't know if Papa knows this, but I know that he knows how much it means to me to be called son, boy, puppy...those terms of endearment. Sometimes I worry that I desire too much for his attention and affection...in effect, I fear pushing him away with neediness. I hope he will tell me if this is the case. In the meantime, I hope therapy gives me new insights into my own shortcomings and how I can overcome them to be better for Him.
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