I have so many memories of growing up where submission took a pivotal role. My earliest was with an older boy who lived down the street.
He always wanted to play this "Batman and Robin" style game. He was always Batman, and I always WANTED to be Robin. Even as a child I knew this was odd. Everyone wanted to be Batman, no one wanted to be the sidekick, the one who always got captured and was the weaker of the two.
I remember one specific time when in the period of an afternoon of play, I got "captured" by the bad guy at least 4 times. I liked "struggling against" his bonds and having Batman saved me. I knew that it was probably weird, and he got frustrated with me always wanted to be captured. Maybe that's been a pattern in my life, that "rescue me!" kinda thing. Regardless, I love those kind of roleplays, still do. I just wish I had more experience being tied down and tortured with something nice and painful, only to be rescued by a dom who then sexes me up in return. *happy sigh*
30 January 2011
22 January 2011
Onward to a new text
I finished Dr Rubel's text, and have moved on to Jack Rinella's text "Becoming a Slave - The Theory and Practice of Erotic Servitude". While both texts appear to place a strong emphasis on formality and ritual (which I do like), Master Rinella's book takes a more relaxed view of the lifestyle. I just started that though, so it'll be interesting to see how the rest of it is.
I was given a set of orders related to my working out at the gym and my overall diet and nutrition, which I am following. I was surprised that I received them to be honest, but more grateful than can be described. My workouts have taken on new meaning, as have my mealtimes. While my diet was usually dictated due to medical issues (which I was not asked to break), I find myself being more mindful of what I eat and how much, which makes me happy. My progress feels like it has more meaning now. Not going to the gym feels like I'm not living up to my potential, but going to the gym makes me feel safe because I'm doing exactly what I'm expected to do. I like it a lot. I want to make him proud. Even in things he'll never see or know about (like me cleaning the bathroom) brings my mind to a good place...a place where if the house looks good, or if I am well dressed, or my body looks in shape that it'll somehow bring him a sense of honor. I also feel a sense of pride in myself over it too. I don't know if anyone who may be reading this could understand that, but its there.
I was given a set of orders related to my working out at the gym and my overall diet and nutrition, which I am following. I was surprised that I received them to be honest, but more grateful than can be described. My workouts have taken on new meaning, as have my mealtimes. While my diet was usually dictated due to medical issues (which I was not asked to break), I find myself being more mindful of what I eat and how much, which makes me happy. My progress feels like it has more meaning now. Not going to the gym feels like I'm not living up to my potential, but going to the gym makes me feel safe because I'm doing exactly what I'm expected to do. I like it a lot. I want to make him proud. Even in things he'll never see or know about (like me cleaning the bathroom) brings my mind to a good place...a place where if the house looks good, or if I am well dressed, or my body looks in shape that it'll somehow bring him a sense of honor. I also feel a sense of pride in myself over it too. I don't know if anyone who may be reading this could understand that, but its there.
18 January 2011
Expectations
The hardest thing for me is not knowing what others expect of me. The second hardest thing is not feeling like I can meet their expectations.
Growing up, my parents had unclear and inconsistent expectations of me. My sibling could skate by with a C and got praise for passing, but I was criticized when I got an A-, or I got no response to my grades at all. So I pushed harder and harder and got straight A's, hoping that would do it, but it didn't. That's what I want I guess. I want expectations that are clear, consistent, and that I can follow. Maybe it's like that scene from the movie Shortbus, when Severin asks the main character about his time as a male sex worker.
Severin - "What's the most you ever made in one night?"
James - "389 bucks, with cab fare".
And she takes a polaroid of him and manipulates the photopaper...
He looks at it and begins to cry, saying that it was what he missed about being a sex worker. "I knew then what I was worth".
That's not to say that I think I'm worthless or anything like that. But it is an interesting quote in that I think some of us want to know what others think of us, what they expect from us, and what we are worth to them. Because left to our own devices, we wouldn't think we were worth 20 bucks half the time. Maybe it is that whole thing of wanting someone to be totally honest with you, so they can't come back later and manipulate your photo. I don't know.
Growing up, my parents had unclear and inconsistent expectations of me. My sibling could skate by with a C and got praise for passing, but I was criticized when I got an A-, or I got no response to my grades at all. So I pushed harder and harder and got straight A's, hoping that would do it, but it didn't. That's what I want I guess. I want expectations that are clear, consistent, and that I can follow. Maybe it's like that scene from the movie Shortbus, when Severin asks the main character about his time as a male sex worker.
Severin - "What's the most you ever made in one night?"
James - "389 bucks, with cab fare".
And she takes a polaroid of him and manipulates the photopaper...
He looks at it and begins to cry, saying that it was what he missed about being a sex worker. "I knew then what I was worth".
That's not to say that I think I'm worthless or anything like that. But it is an interesting quote in that I think some of us want to know what others think of us, what they expect from us, and what we are worth to them. Because left to our own devices, we wouldn't think we were worth 20 bucks half the time. Maybe it is that whole thing of wanting someone to be totally honest with you, so they can't come back later and manipulate your photo. I don't know.
15 January 2011
On disappointment and regrets
I try to live my life without a large deal of regret. I really do. It's hard though, because there are a lot of events from my past that I know if I did them differently, I might know myself better or be in a better place because of them. I'm sure most people can say this. How many of us act and then realize had we walked down a different path, our outcomes would have been better?
Regardless of what I could have done, a conversation with a friend the other day really made me think. He said from the standpoint of self-esteem, wanting to be a submissive in ALL aspects of a relationship is what gets me into the unfortunate relationships I often see myself in. The relationships are loving to be sure, but the problem is that the M/s D/s aspect of it fades away so quickly, and then there is a relationship where my needs arn't getting met yet I'm expected to do what I'm told. That wouldn't be so bad if the double standard wasn't there. I don't know...it got me thinking to be sure. I haven't figured it out yet.
Regardless of what I could have done, a conversation with a friend the other day really made me think. He said from the standpoint of self-esteem, wanting to be a submissive in ALL aspects of a relationship is what gets me into the unfortunate relationships I often see myself in. The relationships are loving to be sure, but the problem is that the M/s D/s aspect of it fades away so quickly, and then there is a relationship where my needs arn't getting met yet I'm expected to do what I'm told. That wouldn't be so bad if the double standard wasn't there. I don't know...it got me thinking to be sure. I haven't figured it out yet.
08 January 2011
More personal than a book review
After talking with the special Dom I had mentioned, something he said stuck in my mind. He mentioned it was good to read to learn more about me, and learn about the books I'm reading. And when I reread my posts, I saw that it was more of me reviewing the books than actually posting about me, my submission...and trying to find myself. So I'll try to focus more on my own journal and use the texts to help explain, rather than reading like a book review I agree or disagree with.
On the way back from the gym the other evening, my friend was waxing poetically about his upcoming weekly trip to visit his master in Seattle. I remarked I was a bit jealous, and he did his typical "Nah" and tried to downplay all of the wonderful things he has and what goes on in his life. He really does have a pretty good position in life, makes good money, nice car, good relationship and popularity, blah blah...regardless, he said "Why don't you just come with me and get what you want?" During out chat, he laughed and mussed my hair and said "Aww...someone wants a contract doesn't he?" And I admitted I did, but that my relationship would not be open to that. We talked about this, but it brought into the forefront the section I was reading that day on Protocol and expectations in power dynamics.
The author mentioned things like always having his slave available via cell phone, and differentiating between orders, commands, and instructions. This intrigued me.
A request is "please bring me some coffee"
An order is "Be ready at 7pm, wearing this outfit, and make sure my boots are polished"
An instruction is "This is an instruction - You are to keep the interior of your car as if it just came off of the showroom floor. You will have it washed weekly prior to Noon on Saturday, and at no time will I enter your car if I see clutter in it"
This made me squirm in my seat. In my subby brain, its the stuff that dreams are made of. Having clear expectations that are consistant, reliable, that I will have clear punishments or corrections if I mess up...I want that so badly. To have memorized how to make Sir's favorite alcoholic beverage and have Sir say "Make me a drink pup" and expect it to be just so. My friend has a contract with his master that requires him to work out at the gym, not to eat certain things (like fried food) and to limit himself to a certain numbers of sodas, or to only drink certain hard liquor because it is the kind his master likes. This is the stuff that in many ways I want. To have to report in with what I did or didn't do.
I always wondered if I lived alone if I'd have someone I'd have to keep the place clean for, even if they never entered it. Sometimes when I clean the house here, I'll pretend someone has ordered me to do it just so, and I always do so much better...even though no one at home even notices when I mow the grass or clean the house. I wish they did. I want to be good. I really do.
(off topic) - Check out the BDSM/kink in this video by 30 Seconds to Mars. I love it.
http://thirtysecondstomars.thisisthehive.net/hurricane/explicit.html
On the way back from the gym the other evening, my friend was waxing poetically about his upcoming weekly trip to visit his master in Seattle. I remarked I was a bit jealous, and he did his typical "Nah" and tried to downplay all of the wonderful things he has and what goes on in his life. He really does have a pretty good position in life, makes good money, nice car, good relationship and popularity, blah blah...regardless, he said "Why don't you just come with me and get what you want?" During out chat, he laughed and mussed my hair and said "Aww...someone wants a contract doesn't he?" And I admitted I did, but that my relationship would not be open to that. We talked about this, but it brought into the forefront the section I was reading that day on Protocol and expectations in power dynamics.
The author mentioned things like always having his slave available via cell phone, and differentiating between orders, commands, and instructions. This intrigued me.
A request is "please bring me some coffee"
An order is "Be ready at 7pm, wearing this outfit, and make sure my boots are polished"
An instruction is "This is an instruction - You are to keep the interior of your car as if it just came off of the showroom floor. You will have it washed weekly prior to Noon on Saturday, and at no time will I enter your car if I see clutter in it"
This made me squirm in my seat. In my subby brain, its the stuff that dreams are made of. Having clear expectations that are consistant, reliable, that I will have clear punishments or corrections if I mess up...I want that so badly. To have memorized how to make Sir's favorite alcoholic beverage and have Sir say "Make me a drink pup" and expect it to be just so. My friend has a contract with his master that requires him to work out at the gym, not to eat certain things (like fried food) and to limit himself to a certain numbers of sodas, or to only drink certain hard liquor because it is the kind his master likes. This is the stuff that in many ways I want. To have to report in with what I did or didn't do.
I always wondered if I lived alone if I'd have someone I'd have to keep the place clean for, even if they never entered it. Sometimes when I clean the house here, I'll pretend someone has ordered me to do it just so, and I always do so much better...even though no one at home even notices when I mow the grass or clean the house. I wish they did. I want to be good. I really do.
(off topic) - Check out the BDSM/kink in this video by 30 Seconds to Mars. I love it.
http://thirtysecondstomars.thisisthehive.net/hurricane/explicit.html
04 January 2011
Power Exchange versus Authority Exchange
Mr. Rubel makes a distinction between Power Exchange and authority exchange. I have never seen this spelled out quite as well as he did it.
Essentially, power exchange is when the Dominant accepts power given to him by the submissive, and the submissive gives up his power to the Dominant. When the submissive is away from the Dominant, he is free to resume control of his personal world. This is very different than authority exchange, which he defines as the basis of an M/s relationship. The slave permanently (or at least during the contracted period) gives up authority over himself to the Master. This authority covers willful decisions. The Master and slave can negotiate exceptions (for example, if the slave has a career and must make decisions without time to consult the Master), but overall, the slave no longer controls many decisions in his life as a point of reference.
This is different than I'm used to, as I don't think I've really ever lived in a way that I could do this. (Example: one would need to live alone, or with the Master for that to work). But I don't think I agree totally with his D/s dynamic issues. There is a person in my life I often think "What would he want me to do..." before I make a willful decision. Granted, I rarely ask him as to not bother him, and because I am not in a position where I can give to him what he deserves. But the thoughts are still there. I never really thought of it as "When the Dom is away, the subbies will play" kind of thing. Again, it all comes down to contracts though, and negotiating what each individual wants out of a situation. I just thought it was interesting.
Essentially, power exchange is when the Dominant accepts power given to him by the submissive, and the submissive gives up his power to the Dominant. When the submissive is away from the Dominant, he is free to resume control of his personal world. This is very different than authority exchange, which he defines as the basis of an M/s relationship. The slave permanently (or at least during the contracted period) gives up authority over himself to the Master. This authority covers willful decisions. The Master and slave can negotiate exceptions (for example, if the slave has a career and must make decisions without time to consult the Master), but overall, the slave no longer controls many decisions in his life as a point of reference.
This is different than I'm used to, as I don't think I've really ever lived in a way that I could do this. (Example: one would need to live alone, or with the Master for that to work). But I don't think I agree totally with his D/s dynamic issues. There is a person in my life I often think "What would he want me to do..." before I make a willful decision. Granted, I rarely ask him as to not bother him, and because I am not in a position where I can give to him what he deserves. But the thoughts are still there. I never really thought of it as "When the Dom is away, the subbies will play" kind of thing. Again, it all comes down to contracts though, and negotiating what each individual wants out of a situation. I just thought it was interesting.
The current book I'm reading is "Protocal Handbook for the Leather Slave" by Dr Robert Rubel. In his book Mr. Rubel describes the slaves urges and desires as this:
"A slave eats, sleeps, washes, exercises, takes medication, and so on in order to remain healthy and available for service. slaves labor at tasks assigned by their Master or hold an outside job so that they can contribute to the Master's household and not be a financial burden. Anything a slave is allowed to do for personal gratification is a gift from their Master, not a right. When this aspect of slave heart is realized, slaves start to find peace in their lives". (Rubel, 2008, pg 24-25).
Now clearly this is an intense example of living. But to be honest, the idea of that is an erotic one to say the least. A while ago (a few years) I had long hair. Very long hair actually. And prior to cutting it I asked my partner what he thought, what he wanted my hair to look like, style, ect. He said he didn't care, that it was my hair and I should do with it what I wanted. He sometimes gets frustrated because I'll ask him how I could dress that he'd enjoy, or if there was something I could do to better myself for him. Most times I get that same response, to do what I want. That response is upsetting, but most upsetting is the "I don't care" response. I have a roommate who is very involved in the leather community, and is a puppy to a master who lives out of state. He visits him almost every weekend though. My roommate approached me, asking me if I'd proofread his contract he wrote with his Master, as well as telling me week in and week out all the fun things he and his Master do. I guess I'm telling this story because his Master has very specific things he seeks from him.
Things like going to the gym regularly to muscle up and get in better shape. Things like not eating certain types of foods because they are bad for him, or wearing certain types of underwear, chastity devices, ect. All of these things are hard for me to listen to, and yet I do...because even though its hard to hear because I'm jealous, I want to hear because it in a way offers me a chance to live vicariously through his experiences. Maybe that is sad. I don't really know. I've been going to the gym with my roommate since November, and I am seeing improvements in my body (muscle, strength, stamina, ect). But I long to have someone hold me accountable for it. Right now I try to go for myself, to feel better about myself. But that often doesn't feel enough. I want someone to hold me accountable for when I slip up, and to give me purpose and direction for when I do well.
"A slave eats, sleeps, washes, exercises, takes medication, and so on in order to remain healthy and available for service. slaves labor at tasks assigned by their Master or hold an outside job so that they can contribute to the Master's household and not be a financial burden. Anything a slave is allowed to do for personal gratification is a gift from their Master, not a right. When this aspect of slave heart is realized, slaves start to find peace in their lives". (Rubel, 2008, pg 24-25).
Now clearly this is an intense example of living. But to be honest, the idea of that is an erotic one to say the least. A while ago (a few years) I had long hair. Very long hair actually. And prior to cutting it I asked my partner what he thought, what he wanted my hair to look like, style, ect. He said he didn't care, that it was my hair and I should do with it what I wanted. He sometimes gets frustrated because I'll ask him how I could dress that he'd enjoy, or if there was something I could do to better myself for him. Most times I get that same response, to do what I want. That response is upsetting, but most upsetting is the "I don't care" response. I have a roommate who is very involved in the leather community, and is a puppy to a master who lives out of state. He visits him almost every weekend though. My roommate approached me, asking me if I'd proofread his contract he wrote with his Master, as well as telling me week in and week out all the fun things he and his Master do. I guess I'm telling this story because his Master has very specific things he seeks from him.
Things like going to the gym regularly to muscle up and get in better shape. Things like not eating certain types of foods because they are bad for him, or wearing certain types of underwear, chastity devices, ect. All of these things are hard for me to listen to, and yet I do...because even though its hard to hear because I'm jealous, I want to hear because it in a way offers me a chance to live vicariously through his experiences. Maybe that is sad. I don't really know. I've been going to the gym with my roommate since November, and I am seeing improvements in my body (muscle, strength, stamina, ect). But I long to have someone hold me accountable for it. Right now I try to go for myself, to feel better about myself. But that often doesn't feel enough. I want someone to hold me accountable for when I slip up, and to give me purpose and direction for when I do well.
03 January 2011
A first post
Greetings.
You may call me puppy, pup, boy, fuckpup, whatever you'd like. I'd just be greatful someone read it. For a long time I kept paper journals that included sexual wishes and desires, but I never could post them to my main blog out of concern for privacy and a feeling that most of my friends wouldn't understand. I hope this is a remedy to that.
To introduce myself, I am in my mid 20's, gay, and hold a post-graduate degree. I am currently in a long term relationship (going on well over four years now) who is not into D/s, M/s or any sort of BDSM. This blog also is being started because my boyfriend does not wish to explore this with me, and seems very against it. So in the meantime, this blog helps me sort through my thoughts and desires, and gives me a place to air feelings. I will have a longer post soon, but I figured an intro post would be a good starter.
You may call me puppy, pup, boy, fuckpup, whatever you'd like. I'd just be greatful someone read it. For a long time I kept paper journals that included sexual wishes and desires, but I never could post them to my main blog out of concern for privacy and a feeling that most of my friends wouldn't understand. I hope this is a remedy to that.
To introduce myself, I am in my mid 20's, gay, and hold a post-graduate degree. I am currently in a long term relationship (going on well over four years now) who is not into D/s, M/s or any sort of BDSM. This blog also is being started because my boyfriend does not wish to explore this with me, and seems very against it. So in the meantime, this blog helps me sort through my thoughts and desires, and gives me a place to air feelings. I will have a longer post soon, but I figured an intro post would be a good starter.
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