Owned

I waited a few days to post this because I wanted to let it sink in my brain. That, and I think there was a part of me that was worried it would just be a dream I'd wake up from.

After I posted on the 21st about receiving the tag, a few days later Sir messaged me to let me know he had updated his online profiles with me as his. It was a humbling experience to be sure...as I received the text in a grocery store. Using my web browser I logged into the site and there it was...and I just stood there in the middle of the dairy aisle smiling like a goofy idiot and trying not to get overly emotional. Sure, he had sent me the tag before and I knew he meant it, but to see such a public display made me proud and feel like I had a sense of purpose to uphold his honor. I don't say that flippantly either. It was a feeling that my actions now publicly reflected upon him, and I didn't want to do anything that might cast him in ill light.

The conference I went to was so so. I had fun dancing one of the nights but to be honest, the rest of the con was a big let down. I think a lot of it was that I really wanted to spend time with my roommate and maybe cuddle in bed. I talk about this with Sir a lot because although he is a poly person, I like to ask before I ever do anything at all. He is one of the only people who really understands my need for physical contact and emotional intimacy (I like authentic, deep discussions and being held, what can I say). Anyway, I should wrap this up and get to bed...got classes and work in the morning.

I hope I have a good dream. I have a lot to look forward to.

Moved

I completed two weeks of chastity training by Sir. It went well and I was happy I was able to make him happy with me being a good boy. I will admit being "sprung" from it was a happy moment for me. Not because I wanted to cum (tho I did) but because I could very easily and thoroughly clean and shower and FEEL clean ;)

Other than that...I noticed a sense of accomplishment in myself. Sir said I was a good boy and he sent me a reward for my training. I received that reward in the mail today and I choked up. It was an ownership tag to go on the chain collar he gave me. His note said I earned it...and I knelt down on the carpet and put my forehead against the ground and breathed. It is what I have wanted for a long long time with him. Years really. I didn't really get to talk to him about it after I received it, but I held the note a long time and just kept my head down on the carpet. I'm very thankful right now.

Tomorrow after work I'm heading to a convention, but I wish I was going to visit him instead (or that he'd be there). I need to make sure I put the tag on the collar properly so it doesnt fall off (the hook that came with it had me a bit confused as to how to keep it from falling...I dont want to lose it...). I'm rooming with my roommate, his master, and their friend...but I'll probably spend most of the time writing and working on school stuff.

I'm a lucky boy. A very lucky and very proud boy to wear his tag. I hope I make him as proud as he makes me.

A lock, a key, a mission (hopefully no scar)

Sorry, the title is adapted from a Dashboard Confessional album...

Saturday marked the one week point in chastity. Sir had told me if I made it one week unlocked, I could petition him for another week, this time locked. I jumped at the chance. Now I know I'm a masochistic puppy. The first week has been maddening to say the least. It's not simply the inability to get off (tho for someone who would easily go twice to three times a day, thats part of it). The hardest (hah!) part is that I cannot achieve a full erection in the device, so when my body decides to become aroused (either by thoughts, images, having to piss..hormones, morning wood, ect) I swell up in the device and it aches and in the case of morning wood, I wake up painfully aware that my orgasms are not mine to control.

I also have to sit down to piss, which let me tell you...that's a very reinforcing reminder. The way you go about cleaning with the device on, to the way you bathe to keep clean and all is involved (not time consuming, just something you need to keep on top of) and as such, is another reminder in my head. And while my bathing regimen isn't exactly arousing, having to sit down to piss by necessity has been very arousing and also very...constant. It's not humiliating and I wouldn't say there was shame with it. It's more of a "this is how a locked up boy takes a piss", and so on top of the gentle tug at all times by the device, I have this physical muscle memory type of thing going on.

I hope that didn't sound convoluted. It's hard to put some of this into words. Anyway, on Saturday I locked the device and drove to the airport post office (it's open till 10pm everyday, and in my case, a letter sent priority mail from a major hub like that will arrive today on the opposite coast, despite not flying on Sunday. So Sir will have the key today hopefully. I also included a note, just because I think the realm of written letters is not one that should be lost. It takes more energy and effort to write a letter, put postage on it and send it. I hope he approves.

When You Come Home

I waved good-bye through the window
As I boarded the plane,
My first job in Houston
Was waiting for me

I found a letter from Poppa
Tucked in my coat
And as I flew down the runway
I smiled when he wrote:
I'll miss you, son,
You'll be so far away

But I'll be waiting for the day

When you come home
No matter how far,
Run through the door
And into my arms
It's where you are loved,
It's where you belong,
And I will be here
When you come home

9-6-11 blog post

9-6-11 Blog Post:

8:40am


Today is my first day at my new training site. I'm not terribly excited about it to be honest due to the circumstances surrounding why I'm there instead of where I really want to be. But why am I posting about that here? Well, I found out something about my chastity device…

Under a pair of khaki's, even with a jockstrap covering it, it looks like I have wood due to the way the head of the device pushes forward. Add a tucked in shirt and its more noticeable lol. I'll have to figure out some other way to deal with this. We shall see.

An assignment

These are the voyages of the Starship...wait...wrong blog.

Yesterday Sir gave me a chastity assignment with the BoyTrainer silicone chastity device he gave me when I visited him last. Sir had given me chastity assignments in the past, but these assignments lacked a device, I could get erections and the like, I just wasn't allowed to jerk off or have an orgasm. At noon yesterday, 9-4-11 I put the device on. The assignment is one week with it on, but unlocked, with daily pictures of me wearing it under my jock. When Sunday rolls around again if I've been good and done this, the lock goes on. (As I type this, I'm getting a painful erection). If I make the second week, I get a mystery reward.

While the idea of a mystery reward sounds great, I have to admit that after last night, this will be more difficult than past assignments. The device fits great (although it is an absolute chore to get it on...maybe my balls are too big, I dunno) but when you get an erection, it is painfully tight and at first it felt kinda good, but when you are trying to sleep its the last thing you want. It will also necessitate sitting down to piss, which while making me blush, is something I find oddly hot. It is really a reminder that someone else has control of your puppy parts.

I woke up in the night with a painful erection and actually had to sit up and wait for it to go down. I find that the morning "gotta pee" erection is one I will have to deal with delicately, as hardons go down much slower when you are wearing a device that constricts in some fashion. That being said, it has been almost 24 hours and I'm doing good. I'll keep this blog updated on my progress.

A week in review

This past week has been interesting to say the least. It opened within me a level of introspection and discovery I didn't expect. I'll try to explain.

When the week was coming up, I had all of these ideas in my head. Some of them fantasies, some of them were ideas about how productive I would be with the writing I should have gotten done in the week. I should have gotten all this writing on my dissertation done and I should have gotten more research done. In terms of the fantasy portion, I had these ideas of what I would do with a week with the house to myself. Even though I knew I wasn't going to be trolling Craigslist or anything to have men at the house, I did have some sort of thing in my mind of what that amount of free time would mean. The reality of the week was different.

I found myself on my computer a lot and watching Netflix. I ran typical errands and took care of the dog, but I found myself wanting attention and contact with someone. I wandered down to a New Age bookstore that I had never been to and walked in. A bearish man was paying no attention to me and had his nose buried in an accounting book. So I looked around. I found two books that stood out to me. One of them was "The Path of a Christian Witch", a book that I have almost finished. The book tells the story of a Canadian woman raised Catholic and her interaction and ultimate blending of Christianity and Paganism (I'll talk more about this in a minute). The second book was called "Scared Paths for Men" and had a picture of the Green Man on the cover. I haven't started it yet (it's after a Leatherboy text I'm reading) but it is supposed to discuss rekindling the masculine divinity in a Wiccan world where the focus is almost entirely upon the Goddesses and how to live the masculine in the day to day world. I figure being a submissive gay boy I could relate to the masculine. Anyway...

I was raised in a fundamentalist Christian household. My folks were Bible thumpers who belonged to a very strict sect of Christianity that forbade alcohol, dancing, and women wearing pants (dresses only). You get the idea. Anyway, after I was kicked out of two churches due to being out in a small town I discovered a Unitarian church that had a pagan group. I went to their moon phase rituals in the forests of the southern state I lived in because I felt a deep connection with nature and the ritualistic aspect of what we were doing. I came upon a contradiction, but like being gay and Christian, I sorta wrote some of it off and just did it anyway. When people online would ask (my only connection outside of the pagan group), I'd say I was "Christopagan" which I thought I had made up. Apparently not, as there are books and websites on it now. At the time I had this attraction and infatuation with Pan, the Greek God of the fields, the shepherd, and of fertility and agriculture. Looking back, Pan held a deep connection with me because he came around at a time when I needed him. I was having trouble finding who I was sexually and being comfortable with being a hairy gay boy in a sexually repressed area, religion, and family.

Although the pagan group was totally female oriented and balked at Pan (they felt he was a symbol of the patriarchy, I kid you not) and almost always focused on the Goddess...I ended up doing what I felt were rituals alone in my bedroom. When I moved, I took the mini altar with me but left behind a lot of my books. In the midwestern state I moved to, I had an altar but was not living with people who appreciated it or were accepting, so I didn't practice at all. This was the time in college when I was introduced to the Hindu god Ganesh, and he clicked with me as well in a very different way. As the remover of obstacles and the diety of students and livelong learners, it made sense. But again, I didn't practice, I just read about him a lot, had pics of him I liked and had a statue of him on my mini altar.

Fast forward to this week. After having not practiced or done anything, it came rushing back and I felt drawn to the bookstore. I picked up more sage for smudging, but something was missing. I drove clear across town to the only other "New Age/Occult" shop I knew of and bought an abalone shell and a pouch of tobacco. I went home and smudged the house and myself with sage. It was a very intense experience and the smell of sage quite literally brought me to tears. It all came rushing back in a whirlwind I couldn't control. That night I was sitting at my computer...smelling of sage...and all I wanted was to talk to somebody about what was happening. In many ways I wanted guidance on what to do, what kind of ritual would help get back into it, ect. Sir was going to bed and told me to do whatever felt right and we'd talk about it the next day. Except, nothing felt "right". All of this hadn't been touched or unearthed in me for almost a full decade. I started looking for people I knew online, anyone I knew who identified as a gay pagan....but everyone was either offline in bed, or busy playing games online and didnt want to be disturbed.

I sat on the couch feeling "cried out". I was emotionally worn down. I guess I passed out on my couch because I woke up three hours later lacking any knowledge of what happened to the TV (it was on when I passed out) or why it was now 3am, and I had a searing headache. I crawled in bed, lit some sage and prayed. I just had an overwhelming feeling of being alone tho. I didn't feel anything other than a) I'm doing something wrong and b) I don't want to be alone right now.

The next day I was just...lost feeling. Sir asked me how it went and I told him honestly. I tried the next night and it felt more like prayer with props, but maybe that's how it works for right now. This post has quickly become longer than I thought....

Anyway, the rest of the week (and the time before) was spent reading, watching Netflix and probably drinking more than I usually do. With the exception of the days I did the rituals when I didnt drink at all, I had drank on the other days more than I typically would. Other than the extra calories (which I don't need) it wasn't to excess which was good. Besides, school, work, and people return starting tomorrow night and Monday, so it'll be back to me being quiet in the house, unable to watch or listen to what I want or to play games when I want. And maybe that's for the best.

Alone and left to my own devices, I tend to want connection with others. There was this film called "A Home at the End of the World" which has a poly relationship in it and the way the families we choose change over time. The film touched me on a level few films had because I felt like the main character. There is this touching scene where the main character Bobby (played by Colin Farrell) is playing with an infant and the female lead says "Is there anything you couldn't do?" in reference to his being able to be at home and adapt to so many different life situations. Bobby keeps his eyes on the baby and says "I couldn't be alone..." And that's how I feel. It's not that I need people with me all of the time, its that I feel safest and most comfortable when in service to someone, when I can touch and be touch and feel connected. I'm very much a pack animal in that way I guess.

A pack animal by himself in a big house who is still trying to find himself and his place in the world. I have a trip booked back to the Northeast in November. I miss Sir terribly. It might sound sappy, but even the brief phone call chats or text messages he sends me make my day. I miss him daily, and most of my thoughts and actions are directed at how to be better for him and to make him happy. I hope I succeed at that. I want to go back home to him.