New Years Eve

I was hoping to talk to Sir tonight but he is busy with New Years Eve things back east. Regardless, I hope he has a good evening and a fantastic 2012. I'm very thankful and grateful to be at his service.

A recap of 2011 might be in order, but to be honest you could re-read these posts and those of my twitter feed to see how 2011 went for me. Honestly it was a very mixed bag. My relationship of 4 and a half years ended in the early Spring in a very hurtful way. While it was not something that came as a huge shock, the barbs that were exchanged were painful to say the least. In early Summer I had been invited out to visit Sir to hang out and he called me at work and had a talk with me. That talk turned out to be one of the most painful experiences I have ever had. Of our pasts, my own choices I had made and how they had hurt him and how they had led him to the decision he came to...and him telling me I could still come visit but that it wouldn't ever be like it could have been prior to my decisions.

I was thinking about that conversation today. He was right and to this day I carry a heavy heart about the amount of pain I caused him. I had no idea so many years ago that he cared about me like that. Maybe it was miscommunication on both of our parts, but my actions caused him significant distress and I still feel bad about it sometimes. The "what if's" never seem to fade away. When I did visit, things were very different. There was certainly a spark there, a passion and devotion that came forth that I knew I had carried within me for a long time. There were tears and long talks, fun times and painful admissions... But I was smitten. In love, in service, in wanting to take care of and service this man as long as I was able and he wanted me.

I've shared all of these feelings with him and along with them, the painful weight I carry where I want to make sure he never again feels the way he did so many years ago due to my choices. I also recognize that those choices affected a great deal, the type of relationship we have, the roles we assume, the labels we take even. At the end of that painful phone call this summer, when I felt like I had lost everything and I was ashamed for having hurt him so badly, he asked me if I still wanted him in my life knowing that certain things probably would never be. I said yes, that he was important to me and I wanted him in my life regardless of the form or function. In early Fall after our long talks, tears and my visit, he gave me an ownership tag and said I was his...and I still stand by my commitment. I would do anything to make him happy, bring him pleasure, and make his life easier. It turned out that some of the things that he said might not ever be did happen. 2011 brought me moments where it seemed like we had no future in a love/sex/BDSM/Ms sense due to choices I made in my past...and 2011 brought me moments that made me happy and hopeful for the future and exposed me to a headspace and role that has brought me more joy and happiness in a few visits than I have felt in years.

I found happiness at Sir's feet in 2011. Here is to 2012.

On skin and health.

Days like today make me long for the possibility of being normal. Normal skin, normal health concerns, ect...and while I know nothing is "normal" some things are more statistically typical for guys my age...and I don't have it.

I'd love to know what its like to be able to not have other people point out my skin issues to me, to ask offensive questions like if its contagious, sexually transmitted, or lupus. To be able to shower whenever I wanted without having to worry about the significant pain from the water hitting my skin...which leaves me hunched over, rocking in tears like an autistic child.

Today I crawled out of bed, blearly eyed because I could not sleep due to the pain. I knew a shower wasn't possible, so I sat down in a tub full of warm water and bit my lip until it subsided. Then I patted dry gently, took anti-inflammatories and pain killers and limped to work. I stand and sit like an old men on days like this. I walk with a limp and it hurts to do the most basic of human tasks. And when people ask you about your limp, you can't tell them that its your skin, and certainly not in the areas my skin are the worst. It's a quiet suffering.

Lastly, I'd love to be able to show my body off and make Sir proud with it. To not have to make excuses for why I cannot perform a specific activity due to my skin. Sometimes I wonder if my assignments come more infrequent now due to the last time one was requested of me I was unable due to my skin issues. Not out of a sense of malice on his part, but a sense of concern or fear of hurting me.

I gave myself another injection tonight and just sat on the floor, cradling my dog and fighting back tears. I wouldn't have to be perfect, I just don't want to feel and look like a leper.

The holidays for a kinky puppy

The holiday season is always very mixed for me. On the one hand, it is my favorite time of year. I love Christmas and the whole ritual involved in the tree, decorations, food, drink and family. On the other hand, I haven't had good holidays through much of my life. This isn't one of those "I didn't get what I wanted for Christmas" things, rather, most of my holidays were filled with painful memories of the acceptance I didn't have, physical assaults from holidays past, and the reminder of my own status below the poverty line. While Christmas shouldn't be about gifts, there are a few special people in my life I like to go out of my way for and rarely am I able to give them the gifts I feel they deserve. I also have never been very good at receiving gifts, as I rarely feel I deserve the gifts I have been given. It's a complicated mess lol.

This holiday was the first one where I really felt kind of alone for the season. I don't mean that in a "I don't have anyone, no one loves me" kinda way, please don't misunderstand. I meant it more in a physical presence type of way. Sir is on the East Coast, and I doubt he understands that telling me he'll see me in January does little to make it easier being lonely/horny, ect. I don't mean that in a rude way, I just mean that he has loved ones around him and looks at the world and relationships (even time) quite differently than I do. I doubt he finds himself kicking himself for sending texts messages and waiting for replies like a horny schoolboy who checks "Do you like me? Check yes or no" and awaits a letter back in the way that I do. Yes, even cyber sex like responses I send. In some ways, I feel like because I'm so far away, it's all I have really.

I was able to Facetime with him briefly on Christmas which made me feel better. The whole power dynamic relationship sometimes gets complicated to me due to my own willfulness and feelings of need and want. Sometimes I have this urge to put them upon him, which is folly on my part as a submissive. But like I often say, I'm working on it.

I start work back tomorrow so maybe being more distracted will help me. I'm just getting stir crazy here at the house, constantly glancing at my phone or email for some sort of contact. Maybe someday I'll be able to tone that constant desire for contact and affection down. Until then, maybe I can find a few dominant men to chat with so I don't pressure Sir so much with it.

This isn't related to kink or anything, more of my own issues. You can skip if you want.

When I was little I had very vivid dreams that I would remember for days after waking. These were often like deja vu instances, but I also had really bad dreams that would scare me. Despite my parents being strong evangelicals, they got me a dream catcher (our local high school team was an "Indian" and I think they read about dream catchers in some magazine). Normally that kind of thing would not be allowed in my home as "witchcraft" but they allowed it. The bad dreams stopped, and so did the good ones.

When I moved away to go to college, the dreams did not return. I blamed this on my skin concerns keeping me awake at night. It's hard to dream if you rarely dip into REM sleep. Then about 4 years ago, they came back with a vengeance. Terrible dreams, nightmares, and overall bad dreams that I feared were predictive of something (like dreaming your pal gets in a car accident, then a year later it happening just as you dreamed). These were the dreams of my child hood that seemed predictive. When I was a boy my grandmother told me we were part Indian way back on her side of the family (which turned out to be true, surprisingly). She said these dreams were a sign I was different. Interesting wisdom from someone who would later believe my homosexuality was sinful, but I digress.

Lately my dreams have been of my ex, but they haven't been nightmares in a Wes Craven sense. They have been of events that actually happened, or events that might have happened. These dreams are awoken from with a sense of dread. Other dreams are Wes Craven like where it feels like im not actually dreaming. I had my parents ship me that dream catcher, and I got one that was made by a local tribe here as well. This time, the dreams have not stopped. Last night I woke up, clinging to my pitbull with tear stains on my pillow.

I feel so absolutely broken.

A cold night

I found myself today feeling needy and wanting Sir. I feel bad sometimes messaging him about it though, as I know he is busy and the weekends are the time when he relaxes. I also know deep down that there is nothing he can really do about my feelings of loneliness or needy. Rather than burden him with it, I just tend to be quiet and send him a message every day or so to let him know im thinking of him. But it's hard...and I feel kinda lost. I know I'll see him in January but it doesn't make the days and nights easier.

Submission is a funny thing. On the one hand, you want to be self-sustaining and bring pleasure to those in a dominant position in your life. On the other hand, at your core there is a desire to please, a desire that Sir's wish be your own and that you do what he wants, when he wants, and ask permission for the willful or other things you want to do. Now I know everyone doesn't view it this way, but bear with me.

Then there comes bad feelings. Depression, loneliness, or a sense of feeling like your life isn't going well in some area. These feelings are hard for me, most of which I've had a lot of my life. It wasn't that I never had anyone, but from a psychological perspective, I have a "disorganized attachment".

For those of you who don't have psychology backgrounds, in psychology (particularly psychodynamic theory - think Freud, Jung, ect) there exists theories of attachment. These theories speculate that we develop patterns of attachment from our parents, most importantly, mother. We learn these before we can even speak because they are modeled to us and exist at a subconscious level. With mothers, you have two outcomes. Secure attachment and insecure attachment.

Secure attachment is where the child turns out great, is independent, able to deal and soothe themselves with no problems, ect. These children grow into confident adults that generally lack neuroses. Insecure attachment is the children who fail to learn to properly self soothe, often are emotionally needy or emotionally dead, and sometimes end up very dependent on other people. (These are broad, sweeping generalizations keep in mind, its a theory).

There are books upon books about attachment theory, but since its my blog, I'll just mention me. For me this often shows up in "needy" behaviors such as seeking reassurance that I'm wanted or needed, that I'm a good boy, and that everything is okay with those around me. It also tends to show up with me "checking in" a lot to make sure the other person knows im interested. While this can be good and bad, in my life it has historically caused bad interactions. My last boyfriend said that despite a "power dynamic" that we had (not a healthy one), he didn't want to talk about his feelings. He felt put upon to answer me when I asked him these questions, and in some ways I understand this. It can be taxing to always be commenting on the status of the relationship, but I'm a communication oriented beast.

My older brother emailed me this evening answering some questions about his early childhood memories of me. They are upsetting, but seem to fill in what I had suspected. I'll write more on this stuff later. I have had this in draft for days and if I don't post it now, it might never leave draft.

Apologies

I said I'd continue my previous post but failed to do so. Sorry about that.

To continue, I guess one thing I learned is that my anxieties (although not rational, like most anxiety) have lately given me a window into my own stuff that gets in the way of my happiness and causes strain in the lives of those around me.

An example would be this weekend. Papa had a long weekend and has a new kitten in the home, so I wanted to give him ample time to relax and try to bother him as little as possible. Since this blog is my honest thoughts and what went on in my head, here it goes.

I was happy to give Papa the time to relax. When he is relaxed he is so much happier, and I love seeing him calm and relaxed like that. I had texted him just to say hi and check in since I had not messaged him all day, so when I didn't get a response I figured he was busy and I was good with that. Later on, I got a response and we exchanged a few messages over the weekend (but less than we normally do). What went on in my head though was a mess of things. Suprisingly for someone who is an anxious puppy, I don't generally jump to jealousy. It's rare for me to truly feel jealous, particulary in the realm of sex. The fact that Sir is attractive and that he has people he plays with does not bother me, and in fact often makes me proud. But what happened in my head this weekend was that I suddenly felt unneeded.

From a submissive standpoint, no Sir "needs" the specific sub. It's not about need, its about desire and want (and I know this, its actually a good thing). I realized though that in my head, things about us and our relationship had evolved in my head after my visit with him and part of me was struck by a fear of "What if the novelty of me wore off". This isn't jealousy (especially because he was at home playing with the new member of the family)...but rather, its a part of my own internal struggle I have not yet overcome. It is the part in me that says I dont deserve this Sir as well as the fears about what if this turns out like the other relationships I've been in.

The point tho is that this is my problem, its all in my head. He did nothing to cause this, nor is there really anything he could do to remedy it. It is a self-esteem issue in my brain that I need to work on. Right now I feel vulnerable posting about it as I feel like this might be a "red flag" for those reading it. But I'm being honest. Today I was better, though I still felt that worry sometimes on the train or when I'd check my phone. I'm working on this and I will make it through. I feel like I'm rambling...anyway, I'm going to head to bed.

I wrote this on the plane...

My trip to visit Papa was fantastic beyond words. This also made leaving harder than when I left the first time. I remember the first time being plagued with fear…what did it mean, what was I doing, would he like me, would I be welcome back…those kind of things.

This time (as I've spoken about previously) those issues were not the same as this time. This time was more practical. Would my skin behave, would he have the same interest he had before, ect ect. I truly am my own worst enemy.

In my eyes, the almost 5 days I spent with Papa were magical. I had many new experiences…not to mention, as I'm writing this on the flight back to the West Coast, my nipples are almost raw, which is a nice feeling. There was fantastic sex (the best I've ever had to be sure), but also there was an overwhelming calm I had.

I once had a coworker as me if I was an anxious person. At first, my mind said "of course not, I'm a mellow guy" which is how most people who know me describe me. But its a facade. I'm not terribly mellow…in fact, ever since about the age of 16 or so I have functioned at a moderate level of anxiety that regularly spikes due to my environment. Sure, I know coping skills, but when you go back to the same environment they soon wear out. We are landing, will finish this post later.

Faithfully, bailey

Throughout the flurry of applications I've been sending off for residency, I now have less than 48 hours and I will be on the East Coast to spend some time with Sir. It's both an exciting and nervous feeling in my belly. The nervousness isn't anything about Sir really. The first visit I had a wealth of anxiety about whether or not he'd like me in person, what the visit meant, ect. I mean, we have known each other almost 7 years and that was the first time we met in person. This time those things are gone and like I do, I've replaced them with other things.

In some ways I deal with this feeling of wondering what is and isn't appropriate. Yesterday I was out walking in the hipster district of the city I live in. It was a beautiful fall day. The air was crisp, I had a cup of hot coffee from Noah's...all was good. But something was missing. I wanted him here with me. I'd step into some shop and see something that I thought he'd like, and it was then I realized just how head over heels I really am.

When you read books on power dynamics you often find a theme of pushing too much, too far, too fast on the part of the sub. It's that feeling that things have clicked and fallen into place. At its core is a fear of scaring Sir away. For some, the idea of a sub saying "I'm forever yours" is foolish...the idea that one would plan or base their relationship or life on such a statement. In other ways, its romantic. I don't casually enter into relationships or casually say I love you. Even when relationships have gone south, I still have a spot in my heart for those men. Some I still love very deeply. When I say forever, I mean that that person has touched me to the degree that no matter what happens, they will always have a piece of my heart. In the case of Sir, he's had it for 7 years. I really didn't have any idea he liked me, nor did I realize the hurt I caused him when I entered into unhealthy relationships with others that he had warned me about. If I had known...well...we can't go back in time can we? Sometimes I wonder tho, who'd Id be know, what my life would have been like if these years had been different. Would I have as many gray hairs, as many health issues? Would I walk through the world with my shields up not trusting what others tell me for fear of them using and hurting me? What I do know is that I've kept his chats and photos with me this whole time, and when things got bad, he was always there for me. Even during my embarassing or immature moments, and for that I am grateful.

While he can tell me many times how patient he is, or how he'll wait wherever residency takes me, there is that underlying concern that in the meantime a more experienced sub/slave/puppy/boy will come into the picture and that my inexperience and substantial distance will negatively impact the really good thing we have going. I've shared these thoughts with Sir, but they haven't gone away yet. And that's my issue. It's not his doing or his problem to fix really. It's my baggage, baggage I'm slowly working on. It's gotten better since I was there last. I feel more integrated into his life than I did in my past LTR which lasted almost 5 years.

My second concern is the Sunday when I have to leave. Leaving last time was terribly difficult for me. Everyday weighed on me as one closer to having to leave again. Not to be overly dramatic, but it's kinda pathetic to see a bearded, short haired man in a collar choking back tears in a Duncan Donuts in an airport. Maybe thats what makes it genuine too. In my line of work we talk often about expressing and sharing feelings. I've been open and honest with Sir about the extent of my feelings. Maybe it's best expressed in a Journey song.

Highway run, into the midnight sun

Wheels go round and round, you're on my mind.

Restless hearts, sleep alone tonight

Sending all my love along the wire.

They say that the road ain't no place to start a family

And right down the line its been you and me

and loving a music man ain't always what its supposed to be

oh girl, you stand, by me.

I'm forever yours, faithfully.

Circus life under the big top world,

we all need the clowns to make us smile

Through space and time, always another show

Wondering where I am, lost without you.

And being apart isnt easy on this love affair

two strangers learn to fall in love again

I get the joy of rediscovering you,

oh girl, you stand, by me

I'm forever yours, faithfully.

I'm still yours, faithfully.

Excitement

Despite my lack of sleep and my bleary eyes, I'm terribly excited right now. In exactly one week I will be on a plane heading out to visit Sir again. I'd bounce on my tail if I could.

Lately I have felt a bit like a pain just because I've been this needy ball of submissive energy in regard to messaging him. I think it's a mixture of wanting to make sure he realizes how important it is to me to serve and please him but also to show I'm engaged in the power dynamic. The past two days I've been trying to back off a bit and not appear crazy 8)

At home things have been a little crazy, what with school stuff and work. I feel like I pass out rather than go to bed. When I "sleep" its fitful and not too good. Interesting how that changed while I was on the East Coast visiting Sir last time. I feel calm and relaxed around him, something I never feel in my day to day life. It's a very good thing.

~bailey

a gift

Today I found the gift for Papa that I had been searching for. I think he will like it. I can't wait to give it to him when I visit in November.

I'm looking forward to my trip in a few weeks out to see Sir again. Very much so in fact. I find comfort in that he sometimes "checks in on me" using the "find my friends" app on the iphone to see where I'm at. It makes me feel wanted and safe, even tho he's on another coast.

In other news, I've been having nightmares about my biological family. I called them yesterday to "check in". They were fine...but the dreams are increasingly vivid and clear, and I generally don't dream all that often. From a psychoanalytic perspective, they are troubling and strangely...comforting. A moving on, which is often represented in dreams as death. But its the type of death and the circumstances that bother me. Tomorrow is my "day off" but I have errands to run. Gotta get my HIV test stuff done and am going to work on cover letters afterwards. I was wondering last night if people actually read this stuff. lol.

I find that on days where I have considerably less sleep, I tend to feel more emotionally needy. Maybe that's not a good thing as I rarely get a good nights sleep. At least I have been hitting them gym 5 of 7 days this week. That's pretty good.

Anyway, the plan for today is classes, naked UV phototherapy, and hopefully a nap on the couch. *wags* We shall see.

Another Rinella book

Tonight I was lonely because I have done my best to avoid contacting Sir this weekend. He is at an event and spending time with friends. One of the things I promised to myself is that I would let him relax and enjoy his time without directing attention to me, so I've been doing my best. I knew it would be difficult (I often feel lost when I'm not in his presence) so I spent most of today reading. I started and completed "Partners in Power" by Jack Rinella. It was very good, though one of the sections I liked best was his description of Daddy/boy relationships.

I won't reprint it here, but his focus in this section was power and love. Master/slave relations have the strongest power dynamic, but Daddy/boy was second to this (regardless of whether Daddy or boy had the power)...but with Daddy and boy relationships, love played a much larger role than that of M/s ones. It was a touching, heartwarming chapter...one that I hope I can discuss at some point with Sir. I hope he has a good time, and that I'm being a good boy by not bothering him. I like to see him happy and having fun with his friends.

Jealousy and other thoughts

One of the books I have (“On Becoming a Slave” by Jack RInella) has a fantastic chapter in it written by his boy, Patrick regarding multiple partners, polyamory, and the nature of leather families and M/s relations. I wanted to reprint part of that here as a quote.

Sir told me, I believe, during our first phone call that (a) he had a lover, (b) he had a master, (c) they were not the same person, and (d) he was communicating ith an additional slave-applicant. In other words, it was possible that I’d be one of two slaves. That meant that I was the second to come along…I probably experienced a fleeting thought that I wouldn’t have him all to myself, but even then, I didn’t think in terms of his being mine. I was simply content with the idea of being his.

…Sir doesn’t belong to me. A slave belongs to the Master. The idea of being owned as property by a master is one of the primary reasons someone seeks slavery; so, it should follow that prospective slaves arnt seeking to own the relationship….The thought of him or her as “yours” can lead the way to possessiveness, which then leads to jealousy, which breaks down trust, which affects obedience, and so on.

I have a very strong mix of feeling with this paragraph. Here is why. I agree with part of it, the piece of belonging to the Master and that Master doesn’t “belong” to the slave. It’s not seeking to own the relationship. Where I guess I have conflicts is that I don’t think of him as “mine” in the extent that I control or own him…he is free to play with others, and in fact, does and has a husband. But I also love him, beyond a simple M/s dynamic. Some of the BDSM texts will refer to this as the "you want a boyfriend, not a Dom or Master" syndrome, but I don't see why one can't have both. In my opinion, the bond between a Master and his slave, a Master and his dog, or a Daddy and his boy SHOULD include love. How can it truly be 24/7 if it only exists when one of them has a hard on? I'm glad that love is there and is shared between us. I respect the authors feelings on this matter, but I feel this is one of those things we all have to discover for ourselves.

Another text down and some insights

I finished SlaveCraft tonight. I found a lot of wisdom in the book and I also felt a strange pull that I feel was most likely that button inside of myself that gets pushed when I do something inherently for others. This was strange to me because the purpose of reading the book was to further my own knowledge and help improve myself. I wasn't doing it for others. Honestly, I felt a little bit ashamed that I had that feeling.

One of the points of that the book makes is that when we do something for others, we strive to be selfless. We strive to not obtain a sense of pride from the (inherent) activity, because we are doing it out of obedience. Pride denotes a sort of ownership of the activity and the outcome. This is one of those things that I'm still thinking on. One of the points he made struck a chord with me though. In regard to "seeking" attention or response from a Master, a grateful slave wrote that this activity was problematic if not dealt with properly. The problem wasn't desiring to be nearer to the Master, the problem was the idea that the slave would know better than the Master. Simply put, if Master wanted to contact you or wanted you at his side, he would call you to it. The slaves job then, is to be available at beck and call to serve, and that if Master has not called you to him, you are doing his will BY NOT being there with him. The same idea is true of a task. :

If Master wanted the laundry done, slave would do the laundry. However, if Master got pleasure out of doing the laundry himself, the slave insisting or believing he should be doing the laundry is deriving the Master of pleasure and is contrary to the job of the slave.

This struck me because I often have these feelings. Sometimes I have in my head ideas for a ritual to do with him, or an activity I would like to perform for him. But in these actions, if Master does not want these activities, it is my job and duty to honor this (and by honoring it, honoring him). I like this idea. It is also a part where I know He can be very busy and has a busy life. There is nothign wrong with me contacting him, but I have slowly gotten better and moved away from the expectation of contact. I am grateful for his attentions when he gives them, and when he is busy I try to better myself for when he engages me again.

Now that I have finished this book, my next is Partners in Power (again by Mr Rinella). I have read two of his other books, so while some might be a refresher, I was always a fan of life long learning. I also have Rubel's "Master/slave Relations" - Theory and Practice to keep my subby brain busy.

A blog from last night

Last night after supper I was sitting on the couch reading SlaveCraft, a book written by “a grateful slave” and edited by Guy Baldwin, a well known man in the BDSM/leather communities.

As I was reading , something clicked in me at a level I had not felt (when alone) for many years. When I was in Papa’s home I felt it though. I felt it simply huddling at his feet…something that I think surprised him the first time I did it for no other reason than to be that close to him.

I felt “right”. When I was visiting Papa I had not gone with the expectation that he would take me as his or that he would offer me the chance to serve him. To be honest I thought the opposite. That changed when we met in person, but I think it’s important that I did not go with the knowledge that it existed as a possibility. I went on feeling, on desire…and I found myself finding joy in small tasks that in themselves lacked any real erotic aspect.

Master had told me he was to have friends over that evening for a BBQ and asked me to help him get ready for it. I found myself cleaning the grates on the grill to a degree that I think some felt was unnecessary as we were going to be grilling on it again that evening. I found myself cleaning up his kitchen, and finding joy in taking out his garbage. Even simply carrying the groceries out of the store, to the car, out of the car and to his home registered in me something that said “This is what you do, this is what feels right”.

I wore Master’s chain that entire trip, save the times he removed it from my throat when I would shower. I still wear it…although on work days I have to keep the chain and tag concealed under work wear.

In SlaveCraft, a grateful slave states that slaves often need to re-center themselves. We do this through a number of ways, sometimes by reminding ourselves of the moments when we were in our place, others by touching our collars, and still others simply by having contact with our Master who reminds us of our purpose. I find myself in those words. Sure, I will sometimes tug at Master’s collar to remind me and re-center me that distance is not forever. I also know that my collar has 14 links in it, connected at the middle by a ring. But more than the physical tug, I often find myself messaging him, selfishly wanting his contact. In some ways, I originally saw that contact and that yearning as me being willful and selfish. But something in the text caught my eye.

A grateful slave states that the difference between a submissive or a bottom and a slave is not necessarily in action but rather in intent. He uses the example of licking Master’s boots. A submissive or a bottom licks Master’s boots because it turns him on, and because Master wants it. When he does this, they both get what they want., but they get them from different aspects. Submissive gets pleasure out of the act, Master gets pleasure out of the act. But when the submissive cums or is no longer interested, he stops. The slave only stops when he can no longer physically perform the task or is instructed to stop. Master gets what he wants and gets pleasure out of the act. The slave gets pleasure out of Master getting pleasure. This is the key.

When I brought Master his drinks, served his friends drinks, and waited until last to eat, I found pleasure in Master being pleased with my performance. And its not that I did it for sex…when Master put me in chastity for two weeks, I found pleasure in it because it gave him pleasure.

Looking back on my life, I realized most of my actions were in service to others and those things brought me pleasure. I was directed to religion out of a sense of service to some higher power. My profession is inherently directed at serving other people and is something I am good at. I always felt like I functioned best in submission to others, but true joy came from those who recognized and honored my submission. I found that in Master. In Frank Hebert’s Dune, the Bene Gesserit Sisterhood’s motto was “We exist only to serve”. I don’t think I exist only to serve…but I do think my service gives my existence so much more happiness and meaning.

Owned

I waited a few days to post this because I wanted to let it sink in my brain. That, and I think there was a part of me that was worried it would just be a dream I'd wake up from.

After I posted on the 21st about receiving the tag, a few days later Sir messaged me to let me know he had updated his online profiles with me as his. It was a humbling experience to be sure...as I received the text in a grocery store. Using my web browser I logged into the site and there it was...and I just stood there in the middle of the dairy aisle smiling like a goofy idiot and trying not to get overly emotional. Sure, he had sent me the tag before and I knew he meant it, but to see such a public display made me proud and feel like I had a sense of purpose to uphold his honor. I don't say that flippantly either. It was a feeling that my actions now publicly reflected upon him, and I didn't want to do anything that might cast him in ill light.

The conference I went to was so so. I had fun dancing one of the nights but to be honest, the rest of the con was a big let down. I think a lot of it was that I really wanted to spend time with my roommate and maybe cuddle in bed. I talk about this with Sir a lot because although he is a poly person, I like to ask before I ever do anything at all. He is one of the only people who really understands my need for physical contact and emotional intimacy (I like authentic, deep discussions and being held, what can I say). Anyway, I should wrap this up and get to bed...got classes and work in the morning.

I hope I have a good dream. I have a lot to look forward to.

Moved

I completed two weeks of chastity training by Sir. It went well and I was happy I was able to make him happy with me being a good boy. I will admit being "sprung" from it was a happy moment for me. Not because I wanted to cum (tho I did) but because I could very easily and thoroughly clean and shower and FEEL clean ;)

Other than that...I noticed a sense of accomplishment in myself. Sir said I was a good boy and he sent me a reward for my training. I received that reward in the mail today and I choked up. It was an ownership tag to go on the chain collar he gave me. His note said I earned it...and I knelt down on the carpet and put my forehead against the ground and breathed. It is what I have wanted for a long long time with him. Years really. I didn't really get to talk to him about it after I received it, but I held the note a long time and just kept my head down on the carpet. I'm very thankful right now.

Tomorrow after work I'm heading to a convention, but I wish I was going to visit him instead (or that he'd be there). I need to make sure I put the tag on the collar properly so it doesnt fall off (the hook that came with it had me a bit confused as to how to keep it from falling...I dont want to lose it...). I'm rooming with my roommate, his master, and their friend...but I'll probably spend most of the time writing and working on school stuff.

I'm a lucky boy. A very lucky and very proud boy to wear his tag. I hope I make him as proud as he makes me.

A lock, a key, a mission (hopefully no scar)

Sorry, the title is adapted from a Dashboard Confessional album...

Saturday marked the one week point in chastity. Sir had told me if I made it one week unlocked, I could petition him for another week, this time locked. I jumped at the chance. Now I know I'm a masochistic puppy. The first week has been maddening to say the least. It's not simply the inability to get off (tho for someone who would easily go twice to three times a day, thats part of it). The hardest (hah!) part is that I cannot achieve a full erection in the device, so when my body decides to become aroused (either by thoughts, images, having to piss..hormones, morning wood, ect) I swell up in the device and it aches and in the case of morning wood, I wake up painfully aware that my orgasms are not mine to control.

I also have to sit down to piss, which let me tell you...that's a very reinforcing reminder. The way you go about cleaning with the device on, to the way you bathe to keep clean and all is involved (not time consuming, just something you need to keep on top of) and as such, is another reminder in my head. And while my bathing regimen isn't exactly arousing, having to sit down to piss by necessity has been very arousing and also very...constant. It's not humiliating and I wouldn't say there was shame with it. It's more of a "this is how a locked up boy takes a piss", and so on top of the gentle tug at all times by the device, I have this physical muscle memory type of thing going on.

I hope that didn't sound convoluted. It's hard to put some of this into words. Anyway, on Saturday I locked the device and drove to the airport post office (it's open till 10pm everyday, and in my case, a letter sent priority mail from a major hub like that will arrive today on the opposite coast, despite not flying on Sunday. So Sir will have the key today hopefully. I also included a note, just because I think the realm of written letters is not one that should be lost. It takes more energy and effort to write a letter, put postage on it and send it. I hope he approves.

When You Come Home

I waved good-bye through the window
As I boarded the plane,
My first job in Houston
Was waiting for me

I found a letter from Poppa
Tucked in my coat
And as I flew down the runway
I smiled when he wrote:
I'll miss you, son,
You'll be so far away

But I'll be waiting for the day

When you come home
No matter how far,
Run through the door
And into my arms
It's where you are loved,
It's where you belong,
And I will be here
When you come home

9-6-11 blog post

9-6-11 Blog Post:

8:40am


Today is my first day at my new training site. I'm not terribly excited about it to be honest due to the circumstances surrounding why I'm there instead of where I really want to be. But why am I posting about that here? Well, I found out something about my chastity device…

Under a pair of khaki's, even with a jockstrap covering it, it looks like I have wood due to the way the head of the device pushes forward. Add a tucked in shirt and its more noticeable lol. I'll have to figure out some other way to deal with this. We shall see.

An assignment

These are the voyages of the Starship...wait...wrong blog.

Yesterday Sir gave me a chastity assignment with the BoyTrainer silicone chastity device he gave me when I visited him last. Sir had given me chastity assignments in the past, but these assignments lacked a device, I could get erections and the like, I just wasn't allowed to jerk off or have an orgasm. At noon yesterday, 9-4-11 I put the device on. The assignment is one week with it on, but unlocked, with daily pictures of me wearing it under my jock. When Sunday rolls around again if I've been good and done this, the lock goes on. (As I type this, I'm getting a painful erection). If I make the second week, I get a mystery reward.

While the idea of a mystery reward sounds great, I have to admit that after last night, this will be more difficult than past assignments. The device fits great (although it is an absolute chore to get it on...maybe my balls are too big, I dunno) but when you get an erection, it is painfully tight and at first it felt kinda good, but when you are trying to sleep its the last thing you want. It will also necessitate sitting down to piss, which while making me blush, is something I find oddly hot. It is really a reminder that someone else has control of your puppy parts.

I woke up in the night with a painful erection and actually had to sit up and wait for it to go down. I find that the morning "gotta pee" erection is one I will have to deal with delicately, as hardons go down much slower when you are wearing a device that constricts in some fashion. That being said, it has been almost 24 hours and I'm doing good. I'll keep this blog updated on my progress.

A week in review

This past week has been interesting to say the least. It opened within me a level of introspection and discovery I didn't expect. I'll try to explain.

When the week was coming up, I had all of these ideas in my head. Some of them fantasies, some of them were ideas about how productive I would be with the writing I should have gotten done in the week. I should have gotten all this writing on my dissertation done and I should have gotten more research done. In terms of the fantasy portion, I had these ideas of what I would do with a week with the house to myself. Even though I knew I wasn't going to be trolling Craigslist or anything to have men at the house, I did have some sort of thing in my mind of what that amount of free time would mean. The reality of the week was different.

I found myself on my computer a lot and watching Netflix. I ran typical errands and took care of the dog, but I found myself wanting attention and contact with someone. I wandered down to a New Age bookstore that I had never been to and walked in. A bearish man was paying no attention to me and had his nose buried in an accounting book. So I looked around. I found two books that stood out to me. One of them was "The Path of a Christian Witch", a book that I have almost finished. The book tells the story of a Canadian woman raised Catholic and her interaction and ultimate blending of Christianity and Paganism (I'll talk more about this in a minute). The second book was called "Scared Paths for Men" and had a picture of the Green Man on the cover. I haven't started it yet (it's after a Leatherboy text I'm reading) but it is supposed to discuss rekindling the masculine divinity in a Wiccan world where the focus is almost entirely upon the Goddesses and how to live the masculine in the day to day world. I figure being a submissive gay boy I could relate to the masculine. Anyway...

I was raised in a fundamentalist Christian household. My folks were Bible thumpers who belonged to a very strict sect of Christianity that forbade alcohol, dancing, and women wearing pants (dresses only). You get the idea. Anyway, after I was kicked out of two churches due to being out in a small town I discovered a Unitarian church that had a pagan group. I went to their moon phase rituals in the forests of the southern state I lived in because I felt a deep connection with nature and the ritualistic aspect of what we were doing. I came upon a contradiction, but like being gay and Christian, I sorta wrote some of it off and just did it anyway. When people online would ask (my only connection outside of the pagan group), I'd say I was "Christopagan" which I thought I had made up. Apparently not, as there are books and websites on it now. At the time I had this attraction and infatuation with Pan, the Greek God of the fields, the shepherd, and of fertility and agriculture. Looking back, Pan held a deep connection with me because he came around at a time when I needed him. I was having trouble finding who I was sexually and being comfortable with being a hairy gay boy in a sexually repressed area, religion, and family.

Although the pagan group was totally female oriented and balked at Pan (they felt he was a symbol of the patriarchy, I kid you not) and almost always focused on the Goddess...I ended up doing what I felt were rituals alone in my bedroom. When I moved, I took the mini altar with me but left behind a lot of my books. In the midwestern state I moved to, I had an altar but was not living with people who appreciated it or were accepting, so I didn't practice at all. This was the time in college when I was introduced to the Hindu god Ganesh, and he clicked with me as well in a very different way. As the remover of obstacles and the diety of students and livelong learners, it made sense. But again, I didn't practice, I just read about him a lot, had pics of him I liked and had a statue of him on my mini altar.

Fast forward to this week. After having not practiced or done anything, it came rushing back and I felt drawn to the bookstore. I picked up more sage for smudging, but something was missing. I drove clear across town to the only other "New Age/Occult" shop I knew of and bought an abalone shell and a pouch of tobacco. I went home and smudged the house and myself with sage. It was a very intense experience and the smell of sage quite literally brought me to tears. It all came rushing back in a whirlwind I couldn't control. That night I was sitting at my computer...smelling of sage...and all I wanted was to talk to somebody about what was happening. In many ways I wanted guidance on what to do, what kind of ritual would help get back into it, ect. Sir was going to bed and told me to do whatever felt right and we'd talk about it the next day. Except, nothing felt "right". All of this hadn't been touched or unearthed in me for almost a full decade. I started looking for people I knew online, anyone I knew who identified as a gay pagan....but everyone was either offline in bed, or busy playing games online and didnt want to be disturbed.

I sat on the couch feeling "cried out". I was emotionally worn down. I guess I passed out on my couch because I woke up three hours later lacking any knowledge of what happened to the TV (it was on when I passed out) or why it was now 3am, and I had a searing headache. I crawled in bed, lit some sage and prayed. I just had an overwhelming feeling of being alone tho. I didn't feel anything other than a) I'm doing something wrong and b) I don't want to be alone right now.

The next day I was just...lost feeling. Sir asked me how it went and I told him honestly. I tried the next night and it felt more like prayer with props, but maybe that's how it works for right now. This post has quickly become longer than I thought....

Anyway, the rest of the week (and the time before) was spent reading, watching Netflix and probably drinking more than I usually do. With the exception of the days I did the rituals when I didnt drink at all, I had drank on the other days more than I typically would. Other than the extra calories (which I don't need) it wasn't to excess which was good. Besides, school, work, and people return starting tomorrow night and Monday, so it'll be back to me being quiet in the house, unable to watch or listen to what I want or to play games when I want. And maybe that's for the best.

Alone and left to my own devices, I tend to want connection with others. There was this film called "A Home at the End of the World" which has a poly relationship in it and the way the families we choose change over time. The film touched me on a level few films had because I felt like the main character. There is this touching scene where the main character Bobby (played by Colin Farrell) is playing with an infant and the female lead says "Is there anything you couldn't do?" in reference to his being able to be at home and adapt to so many different life situations. Bobby keeps his eyes on the baby and says "I couldn't be alone..." And that's how I feel. It's not that I need people with me all of the time, its that I feel safest and most comfortable when in service to someone, when I can touch and be touch and feel connected. I'm very much a pack animal in that way I guess.

A pack animal by himself in a big house who is still trying to find himself and his place in the world. I have a trip booked back to the Northeast in November. I miss Sir terribly. It might sound sappy, but even the brief phone call chats or text messages he sends me make my day. I miss him daily, and most of my thoughts and actions are directed at how to be better for him and to make him happy. I hope I succeed at that. I want to go back home to him.

A name, a trip, and the journey.

(I wrote this August 30th but it didn't post for some reason...)

Sir read my post and thought on the idea of a name for me. He came up with one that has a powerful meaning to him and to me as well. I really like it. I won't share the meaning here as it is a bit more personal, but the name is Bailey. I really love it. It fits, and hearing him say it was shiver inducing to say the least. '

I also booked a flight out to see him again in November. It'll be another five day trip. It's going to be a long two months leading up to the visit...

New beginnings

As I write this, I'm about to purge my LJ account. I started the blog in 2001 as a way to get my thoughts and feelings out there, but found myself censoring a lot either because I had friends there who wouldnt understand, or enough personal information about me to not be honest for fear of jobs or schools finding it. Today I move on (for more than one reason, not the least of which being LJ's crappy service and it's death in the realm of social blogging) and will make my posts here.

A fellow pup told me today that even tho I've gone by a nickname for a long time in the furry world, I needed a "puppy" name. I had never thought of this, as honestly, I always answered to boy, pup, puppy, bitch, or faggot as called lol. But my nicknames were not "puppy enough" according to this guy. I don't know if its true. But a part of me loves the idea of being named much in the same way you are given a name in the American Indian tradition. A name that fits who you are, and can change as you change. I might like that very much. Maybe if I find my balls I will ask my Dom what he thinks of such an idea :)

Change and the future

I am writing this with a large glass of wine by my side and a lot of emotions in my heart.

This past week I was on the East Coast visiting my Papabear (previously referred to as the special Dom I spoke of). I've always thought of him as Papabear, but this weekend was one of new beginnings, continued friendships, and hopeful futures. In an attempt to not be sappy and to protect his identity (if he gives me permission, I will expand...but in the end the important thing is the role he plays in my life).

I flew out to the East Coast on a red eye flight from the West Coast. I landed in the morning and took the subway and a commuter rail to the station where he picked me up. The whole train ride from the airport had me nervous...nervous that I'd miss my stop, that when I got to the station it would be as if this was any other weekend for him, ect. All of it was unfounded to be honest. I wrote a significant portion on the flight out there as well as on the flight back, but those are for his eyes only.

The whole trip was wonderful. To be honest, to quote the alien from the movie "The Explorers" it was "the stuff that dreams are made of". What struck me the most from the trip is that it wasn't the sex that I have been thinking of since I got back. Sure, it's there (and was awesome) but it was the other service activities....making Papa's drink, keeping it filled, cleaning and trash type duties, keeping his friends drinks full...ect. He addressed me as boy or pup the whole time, it didnt matter who we were around. I wore his collar, it was wonderful. We reconnected in person which was wonderful and I realized there that I had relaxed to a degree I hadn't in ages.

Everything felt normal and right. I felt relaxed with him, and although I didnt sleep much, I havent felt a lack of stress like that for years. Leaving was hard. I didn't want to leave...I didn't want it to end. Going to sleep at night was hard because I didn't want the next day to come and the current one to end. The thing is...it wasn't like a vacation type thing. When one goes on vacation and you go to touristy things and do "special" things, you expect that it is different than normal life. But the joy of the trip was going to the "normal" haunts, going to the store, having the pals over that come over often to grill...that was what made it special. Because I realized...that life was possible. It wasn't a special thing like when one Honeymoons in Hawaii, it was real life, and it was wonderful.

I don't mean to gush, but he is a handsome bear. He's dominant and strong and has the biggest heart. I felt safe with him, I felt content. Most of all...I felt I was at home. Leaving home was the hardest thing I had to do...and coming back to the "walking on eggshells" life I'm living in my current situation made it all the more difficult. I miss him so much, but I'm hopeful to visit as soon as I can again.

On service and wine

This summer has been very stressful for me due to my school commitments, but something has become very noticeable to me.

I work with addictions a lot in my job. I see people who use/abuse chemicals and people who try something and become addicted so easily. I also then look in my own life and realize that my body has never worked "typically". My liver enzymes go DOWN when I drink (the opposite should be true), even when I smoked a cigar on occasion in my youth or the occasional cig, I never had the "urge" to smoke again. It never became an addiction. Pain medications never worked in my body, they didn't relieve pain OR make me high. Those sort of things. The only drug that ever "worked" for me was alcohol.

While I have not (thankfully) ever become addicted to alcohol or "needed it", I do enjoy alcohol a great deal. Which sometimes crosses over into sexual things. Alcohol loosens me up, it makes me feel less awkward. It allows me to feel comfortable with my urges and desires, and my need to affection and touch. I don't need it to open up or to have sex, but sometimes with the right people it influences the conversation, allows for more honesty, and was a way that I found myself allowing my mind to sink more into submission.

My relationship with alcohol began when I was 17 and visiting a friend's 4th of July party. He was much older (mid 20's) and I was dating a man in his 40s. The mid 20's pal gave me some malted beverage that was like...8%ABV. Nothing happened that weekend other than I found my face flushed a lot when a little alcohol (which went away when I got older). But I loved the feeling. I could not drink much in undergrad because I worked full time just to support myself through school. When I entered graduate school, that changed. I lived with people who had a lot of alcohol, who drank in moderation (or often), and did not tease me, or treat me like I was a bad person for liking alcohol. Previously in my life alcohol had been demonized by religious family or by people who believed becoming drunk was the same as being an alcoholic.

I've never had sex drunk (just never happened), but I've done a lot of solo searching drunk, and here is what I've found.

1. Serving another man alcohol is almost a religious experience for me in submission. To make a man's drink, or fetch him a drink is something I love. It's akin to lighting someones cigarette. It just makes me feel submissive.

2. Drinking alcohol off of another person's body is erotic to me. Them kissing me with a mouthful and pushing it into my mouth, drinking it as it's poured down their cock...that's aces.

3. I dig watersports, and boozing helps that happen as well as dilutes it to make it more palatable.

4. I'm a happy, playful puppy when im tipsy. I rarely get sad when drinking, and while I have drank to numb before, its not something I like.

I purchased something special for the dom im visiting in August. I think he'll like it. It's a special booze that I'm hoping he will let me mix up for him. We'll see.

Blowpony - Pride 2011 Edition

Last night the roommate and I went out to BlowPony, the queer party held once a month in our area. Being Pride weekend, it was huge. We were personally invited by the man who runs it because he wanted us to go in mascot outfits and dance, which we were more than happy to do. It was fun. Mostly women dancing up on me which reaffirmed that I'm gay. The night really didn't end how I would have imagined/dreamed it would though.

I was on my knees a lot out of suit helping my roommmate in and out of his outfit, which that was nice. I forgot how good it felt to help take someones boots off for them. Too bad that's where it ended. Oh well. That's why I'm the sidekick.

I haven't updated this in a little while and something very important to me happened that I felt was spot on to go in here.

The special dom who I sometimes mention here gave me an assignment and while I won't put the details in here until I know he is cool with that, I was pretty stoked to say the least. More than stoked really. It has brought up a surge of feelings within me though, some of which are new and some of which are a little scary. The new things involve chastity where its not simply a "I'm going to hold off jerking for a while to make the end result more powerful". My history of chastity is slim despite having wanted to do those things for a long time. A lot of that is I never understood other subs I knew who would buy their own chastity device and simply wear it "just because". It wasn't that they bought it, it was that they were wearing it simply to wear it. That takes a lot of it's magic away to me. It's like wearing a collar that you bought just to wear it. Sure, it can be fun and fashionable, but it doesn't have the meaning or power it does if someone else puts it on you.

I'm not afraid I will fail at the task. I have the will power to keep my paws off my junk and the like. My fear is that I will ask for too much, or request too much attention. It's something I need to work on. Part of it is because every power dynamic, even between the same people is different from time to time. I have friends who the Masters who hold their contracts/leashes want to know where they are and what they are doing at all times. Other subs I know have masters who only want them when they are horny. I think most people fall into the middle somewhere. I don't know where (if anywhere) this assignment or meeting in August will lead things. Maybe no where, maybe somewhere. Regardless, I am going to stay in the moment, do my best, and try to make him proud. I'd love for it to go to something longer term (not specifically the chastity, tho that has been fun too), more of the over all power dynamic.

Oh yeah, and it makes my already high 26 year old libido even higher, which is aces. ;)

I humbly apologize

If I had a pair of boots to grovel at to ask for forgiveness, I would. I say that not as a sarcastic comment, more of an "I'm sorry" for neglecting this blog as I have. I'm moving away from LJ but I also know the vast majority of people I know will not follow this one because it is not as easy to follow or their cup of tea. Regardless...

This month has held interesting events for me. My first big fetish house party, the further introspection into the pain in my personal life, and a push to return back to my slave heart. It hasn't been easy, but I'm trying. Don't ever let anyone say I didn't give my all.

My special dominant and I had a series of talks which left me with a lot to think about. Some of it is still fuzzy to me, others so crystal clear that it cut me. Either way, I'm visiting him in August. I don't know what all will happen, but I am so happy to get to finally see him, and rub his feet. I mean it when I say I could deal with it if sex didn't happen, as long as I got to kiss him and give him nightly foot rubs.

In my other areas of life things are stressful. I find myself purusing BDSM sites or whatever in my free time because it makes me feel better. My roommate and I went to a local fetish/queer event this weekend, and while I won't post what heppened here out of respect to his privacy, it reminded me how much I want that life. Also how good it feels to have someone say "Good boy..." in a soothing, almost cooing voice.

While many things in my life have changed recently, many remain eerily the same.

My special dom allowed me to wear his collar (a collar of consideration it is called) which made me very happy. We are both trying to figure out what it means in the context of our history and experiences, but needless to say I have to watch myself to not go "too far" as I typically do. See, I have this thing where I crave validation and attention from those closest to me. Particularly this dom, as getting a text from him quite literally can cheer a bad day up into a good one. The part where I go too far is that sometimes I seek his attention, or want to do something to show off for him that I think might make me look a touch crazy. Maybe thats not fair to myself, but I'm very much a guy who keeps his phone on him at all times. So I have a habit of texting often or sharing pics, which can make things weird at times. So I try to rein that stuff in.

I've always been an awkward guy. I'm less awkward in person and really want to ask him if I can visit, but I didn't meet the thing we agreed upon yet for me to visit...which makes me both sad and motivated. I Hope I can do it...I fear I can't. I think subs are always harder on ourselves than doms are on us.

On my silence...

I haven't posted here in a long time. That reason is many things, but to start with, my relationship of almost five years ended.

I can't say that I didn't know it was going to come eventually. While I had secretly hoped that things would change, I'm educated enough to know that people don't change when they don't want to. I'm also educated enough to be ignorant of my situations. The "well, it's different when it's you" thing. Regardless, the end of my relationship has caused a welling up of thoughts and feelings with in me. Not the least of which has been a sexual pull back to the things that burned so brightly in me prior to the relationship five years ago that slowly dimmed over time.

I've had the urge to reconnect with gay culture more, go out and dance more, and I've been hitting the gym since November (and starting to see results that make me happy). Since the end of my relationship, I've also noticed a mental crack in that facade I had before. My ex spent a lot of time saying negative things about certain groups of people ("freaks" he sometimes called them) and would not engage me in the very things he once said he was also into (like puppy play and the like). At the time it seemed to make sense and be related to stresses at work and life in general.

Over time tho, I vacillated between wanting it and feeling bad for wanting it, and telling myself I didn't want it to make not getting it hurt less. And as I've come to realize….I spent so long telling myself I didn't want it that now I need encouragement to get back into it. Luckily I have someone who wants to help me get back into it, but I'll admit, like most people who act skeptical about a lot of things, a lot of what is keeping me shy of it is fear.

Fear that it'll complicate things at the house. Fear that my name might get out there too much and it damage my professional career…lots of fears. It'll take time to not instantly react with skepticism…but I'm working on it.

willful puppy love

I was hitting refresh on my email hoping for a response from the special Dom who I made another video for.  I went to the gym though and realized he was probably in bed.  Regardless, I anxiously await his response in the morning.  I know this is willfulness and wanting a certain outcome, but I can't help it.  After making the video (in which I did cum), later on I was hard again imagining him watching it, of how he'd reply...ect. 

I laid on the couch and took a nap...and had a dream I lived in this apartment where I went around in gear most of the day and did all of my activities at home in gear.  It was an oddly hot fantasy...though clearly not something "real".  We all know 24/7 isn't really an option.

On slutty stories and whorish fantasy

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A brief update

I was watching "The Empire Strikes Back" and remembered when I saw the movie as a young boy and was enamored with Lord Vader's relationship to the Emperor.  Him walking up in that leather outfit, kneeling down on that platform and saying "How may I serve you, my Master?"  I always thought he was lucky, to have someone to defer to.  In my own mind, someone to crouch at their feet, or to show up and serve in a way that pleases Him, or to be told what I have done is good...

This weekend I completed a task for a special Dominant in my life.  I realized when I was texting him after emailing the results that I wanted to call him Master.  I wanted to badly...and I also realized I had no right to, as I could not make that committment to him with my current life situations and my current life choices. That is not me giving away the responsibility, thats why I said situation AND choices.

I'm going to California soon for work.  I wish I could visit the Sir I spoke of a minute ago instead, but this is important for my job.  The good thing is I'll have a lot of alone time in my hotel room to reflect and relax.  Part of me hopes he'll be around, so at the very least I can spend that weekend when I'm not in meetings acting as if I was His.

On submission, sex, and lonliness

While I try to keep a lot of my personal activities out of this blog, I find myself wanting to share more than comfortable.  My life isn't compatible at the moment with my desires.  I feel a desire to live the life I read in books...and my sexual urges often push me to want to act whorish...or at the least...an ethical slut.  I'll make a larger post tomorrow.  Just wanted to get that out there.

What is loyalty?

I finished Master Jack's book on he and his slave's attitudes toward slavery and submission.  I'd do a review, but others have written far better ones than I.  What I did come to though is a feeling of discouragement.  My blog is called the "loyal puppy blog" but who I am loyal to?  Master Jack would say that one cannot be a slave without a master, as who would the individual be in slavery to?  But what of submission? 

I feel like in some ways the same is true.  I have a submission nature and heart, but if im not "in submission" to someone directly, then what I am is someone who has a submissive nature navigating/struggling through life like a stray puppy.  Maybe that'd be a more apt blog title "the stray puppy blog".

I have a very special person who is a dominant.  Sometimes he even gives me commands of things to do, including one I'm working quite hard at in terms of my own personal health and fitness.  But like my previous post on willfullness, I now recognize that some of my own urges and desires to have more contact and interaction with him are my own willfullness.  I also recognize that I don't belong to him, and I haven't yet visited him to serve him.  He has a life, a dog, and his own friends and subs who are able to visit him with more frequency than I.  And sometimes I feel so unworthy to even ask for his attention....and other times I simply feel unworthy to speak to him.  After I visit him that may change, or it may not work out.  But sometimes I hope, and restrain myself from emailing or text messaging because that is willfulness and a desire to control things, something I should not be doing.  I don't know...maybe it's simply me feeling discouraged with my own life and the way things are going.  Regardless, I have obligations, the written ones and the unwritten ones.  I fear sometimes I could disappear, not be online, not tweet or message and no one would notice.  This isn't to say no one would care mind you.  But when you don't see someone in person, we often assume their lives have become busy, and we'll see them when we see them.  But I pray sometimes that when I make the house extra clean, or I push myself extra hard at the gym that I'm doing something to make him proud, even if I'm not in a proximity to him that he'd notice.

*edit* I re-read this the morning after I posted it, and a large part of me wanted to take it down.  But that would be dishonest so I will leave it up.  It's not that the feelings above are not real, but re-reading it makes me feel like it is whining, which has an end product of not being helpful.  I also feel like one could read this and assume I was trying to induce a sense of guilt, which I was not trying to do at all.  I just needed to get it out, off my chest.  But it'd be dishonest to delete it in the harsh light of morning.

The nature of willfulness

Submission is a funny thing.  For some, it is about the realization that one functions better in service to others.  For some doms, that's a good thing.  For other doms, it's about making the submissive "suffer" to prove their submission and loyalty.  The line is a fine one.  In discussions with other subs, I've heard the "I want ____, but asking for it implies that my dom SHOULD have given it to me, and it's not for me to say he SHOULD do anything for me.  Thats willfulness on my part".  I find myself feeling that way a lot.

Sure, there are things I want.  Things even I feel I might need.  But asking for them has always been hard for me my entire life.  Maybe it is a feeling of "I don't deserve them", or maybe its not trusting my own wants and needs and deferring to someone else to tell me what I want and need.  I don't know if that's good for a submissive really.  In each of the books I've read, I come up with very different answers.  To some masters, the slaves act of saying "I would like ____, or I need _____" implies that the master did not do something he should have, or does not know what is best.  It is seen as terribly disrespectful.  To others, communication is key (something I have been trained in, oddly enough).  Out of a fear of being disrespectful, I often keep my wants and needs to myself...then suffer in silence when I feel unfulfilled....and then ultimately feel shame for feeling unfulfilled when I should be happy with what I get.  It's a vicious cycle.  I wonder if other subs feel the same, or if that is more of my own dysfunction...

Forgive my lack of a post

I haven't updated in a few days, I'm sorry about that.  I've been having some health related troubles, not sleeping much and some relationship troubles.  I'll try to do better, I promise.  I'm not going to go into detail here tho...don't need this turning into emo blog.

My first contact with/about slavery and submission

I have so many memories of growing up where submission took a pivotal role.  My earliest was with an older boy who lived down the street.

He always wanted to play this "Batman and Robin" style game.  He was always Batman, and I always WANTED to be Robin.  Even as a child I knew this was odd.  Everyone wanted to be Batman, no one wanted to be the sidekick, the one who always got captured and was the weaker of the two. 

I remember one specific time when in the period of an afternoon of play, I got "captured" by the bad guy at least 4 times.  I liked "struggling against" his bonds and having Batman saved me.  I knew that it was probably weird, and he got frustrated with me always wanted to be captured.  Maybe that's been a pattern in my life, that "rescue me!" kinda thing.  Regardless, I love those kind of roleplays, still do.  I just wish I had more experience being tied down and tortured with something nice and painful, only to be rescued by a dom who then sexes me up in return.  *happy sigh*

Onward to a new text

I finished Dr Rubel's text, and have moved on to Jack Rinella's text "Becoming a Slave - The Theory and Practice of Erotic Servitude".  While both texts appear to place a strong emphasis on formality and ritual (which I do like), Master Rinella's book takes a more relaxed view of the lifestyle.  I just started that though, so it'll be interesting to see how the rest of it is.

I was given a set of orders related to my working out at the gym and my overall diet and nutrition, which I am following.  I was surprised that I received them to be honest, but more grateful than can be described.  My workouts have taken on new meaning, as have my mealtimes.  While my diet was usually dictated due to medical issues (which I was not asked to break), I find myself being more mindful of what I eat and how much, which makes me happy.  My progress feels like it has more meaning now.  Not going to the gym feels like I'm not living up to my potential, but going to the gym makes me feel safe because I'm doing exactly what I'm expected to do.  I like it a lot.  I want to make him proud.  Even in things he'll never see or know about (like me cleaning the bathroom) brings my mind to a good place...a place where if the house looks good, or if I am well dressed, or my body looks in shape that it'll somehow bring him a sense of honor.  I also feel a sense of pride in myself over it too.  I don't know if anyone who may be reading this could understand that, but its there.

Expectations

The hardest thing for me is not knowing what others expect of me.  The second hardest thing is not feeling like I can meet their expectations.

Growing up, my parents had unclear and inconsistent expectations of me.  My sibling could skate by with a C and got praise for passing, but I was criticized when I got an A-, or I got no response to my grades at all.  So I pushed harder and harder and got straight A's, hoping that would do it, but it didn't.  That's what I want I guess.  I want expectations that are clear, consistent, and that I can follow.  Maybe it's like that scene from the movie Shortbus, when Severin asks the main character about his time as a male sex worker.

Severin - "What's the most you ever made in one night?"
James - "389 bucks, with cab fare".


And she takes a polaroid of him and manipulates the photopaper...

He looks at it and begins to cry, saying that it was what he missed about being a sex worker.  "I knew then what I was worth".


That's not to say that I think I'm worthless or anything like that.  But it is an interesting quote in that I think some of us want to know what others think of us, what they expect from us, and what we are worth to them.  Because left to our own devices, we wouldn't think we were worth 20 bucks half the time.  Maybe it is that whole thing of wanting someone to be totally honest with you, so they can't come back later and manipulate your photo.  I don't know.

On disappointment and regrets

I try to live my life without a large deal of regret.  I really do.  It's hard though, because there are a lot of events from my past that I know if I did them differently, I might know myself better or be in a better place because of them.  I'm sure most people can say this.  How many of us act and then realize had we walked down a different path, our outcomes would have been better?

Regardless of what I could have done, a conversation with a friend the other day really made me think.  He said from the standpoint of self-esteem, wanting to be a submissive in ALL aspects of a relationship is what gets me into the unfortunate relationships I often see myself in.  The relationships are loving to be sure, but the problem is that the M/s D/s aspect of it fades away so quickly, and then there is a relationship where my needs arn't getting met yet I'm expected to do what I'm told.  That wouldn't be so bad if the double standard wasn't there.  I don't know...it got me thinking to be sure.  I haven't figured it out yet.

More personal than a book review

After talking with the special Dom I had mentioned, something he said stuck in my mind.  He mentioned it was good to read to learn more about me, and learn about the books I'm reading.  And when I reread my posts, I saw that it was more of me reviewing the books than actually posting about me, my submission...and trying to find myself.  So I'll try to focus more on my own journal and use the texts to help explain, rather than reading like a book review I agree or disagree with.

On the way back from the gym the other evening, my friend was waxing poetically about his upcoming weekly trip to visit his master in Seattle.  I remarked I was a bit jealous, and he did his typical "Nah" and tried to downplay all of the wonderful things he has and what goes on in his life.  He really does have a pretty good position in life, makes good money, nice car, good relationship and popularity, blah blah...regardless, he said "Why don't you just come with me and get what you want?"  During out chat, he laughed and mussed my hair and said "Aww...someone wants a contract doesn't he?"  And I admitted I did, but that my relationship would not be open to that.  We talked about this, but it brought into the forefront the section I was reading that day on Protocol and expectations in power dynamics.

The author mentioned things like always having his slave available via cell phone, and differentiating between orders, commands, and instructions.  This intrigued me.

A request is "please bring me some coffee"
An order is "Be ready at 7pm, wearing this outfit, and make sure my boots are polished"
An instruction is "This is an instruction - You are to keep the interior of your car as if it just came off of the showroom floor.  You will have it washed weekly prior to Noon on Saturday, and at no time will I enter your car if I see clutter in it"

This made me squirm in my seat.  In my subby brain, its the stuff that dreams are made of.  Having clear expectations that are consistant, reliable, that I will have clear punishments or corrections if I mess up...I want that so badly.  To have memorized how to make Sir's favorite alcoholic beverage and have Sir say "Make me a drink pup" and expect it to be just so.  My friend has a contract with his master that requires him to work out at the gym, not to eat certain things (like fried food) and to limit himself to a certain numbers of sodas, or to only drink certain hard liquor because it is the kind his master likes.  This is the stuff that in many ways I want.  To have to report in with what I did or didn't do.

I always wondered if I lived alone if I'd have someone I'd have to keep the place clean for, even if they never entered it.  Sometimes when I clean the house here, I'll pretend someone has ordered me to do it just so, and I always do so much better...even though no one at home even notices when I mow the grass or clean the house.  I wish they did.  I want to be good.  I really do.


(off topic) - Check out the BDSM/kink in this video by 30 Seconds to Mars.  I love it.

http://thirtysecondstomars.thisisthehive.net/hurricane/explicit.html

Power Exchange versus Authority Exchange

Mr. Rubel makes a distinction between Power Exchange and authority exchange. I have never seen this spelled out quite as well as he did it.

Essentially, power exchange is when the Dominant accepts power given to him by the submissive, and the submissive gives up his power to the Dominant. When the submissive is away from the Dominant, he is free to resume control of his personal world. This is very different than authority exchange, which he defines as the basis of an M/s relationship. The slave permanently (or at least during the contracted period) gives up authority over himself to the Master. This authority covers willful decisions. The Master and slave can negotiate exceptions (for example, if the slave has a career and must make decisions without time to consult the Master), but overall, the slave no longer controls many decisions in his life as a point of reference.

This is different than I'm used to, as I don't think I've really ever lived in a way that I could do this. (Example: one would need to live alone, or with the Master for that to work). But I don't think I agree totally with his D/s dynamic issues. There is a person in my life I often think "What would he want me to do..." before I make a willful decision. Granted, I rarely ask him as to not bother him, and because I am not in a position where I can give to him what he deserves. But the thoughts are still there. I never really thought of it as "When the Dom is away, the subbies will play" kind of thing. Again, it all comes down to contracts though, and negotiating what each individual wants out of a situation. I just thought it was interesting.

The current book I'm reading is "Protocal Handbook for the Leather Slave" by Dr Robert Rubel.  In his book Mr. Rubel describes the slaves urges and desires as this:

"A slave eats, sleeps, washes, exercises, takes medication, and so on in order to remain healthy and available for service.  slaves labor at tasks assigned by their Master or hold an outside job so that they can contribute to the Master's household and not be a financial burden.  Anything a slave is allowed to do for personal gratification is a gift from their Master, not a right.  When this aspect of slave heart is realized, slaves start to find peace in their lives". (Rubel, 2008, pg 24-25).

Now clearly this is an intense example of living.  But to be honest, the idea of that is an erotic one to say the least.  A while ago (a few years) I had long hair.  Very long hair actually.  And prior to cutting it I asked my partner what he thought, what he wanted my hair to look like, style, ect.  He said he didn't care, that it was my hair and I should do with it what I wanted.  He sometimes gets frustrated because I'll ask him how I could dress that he'd enjoy, or if there was something I could do to better myself for him.  Most times I get that same response, to do what I want.  That response is upsetting, but most upsetting is the "I don't care" response.  I have a roommate who is very involved in the leather community, and is a puppy to a master who lives out of state.  He visits him almost every weekend though.  My roommate approached me, asking me if I'd proofread his contract he wrote with his Master, as well as telling me week in and week out all the fun things he and his Master do.  I guess I'm telling this story because his Master has very specific things he seeks from him.

Things like going to the gym regularly to muscle up and get in better shape.  Things like not eating certain types of foods because they are bad for him, or wearing certain types of underwear, chastity devices, ect.  All of these things are hard for me to listen to, and yet I do...because even though its hard to hear because I'm jealous, I want to hear because it in a way offers me a chance to live vicariously through his experiences.  Maybe that is sad.  I don't really know.  I've been going to the gym with my roommate since November, and I am seeing improvements in my body (muscle, strength, stamina, ect).  But I long to have someone hold me accountable for it.  Right now I try to go for myself, to feel better about myself.  But that often doesn't feel enough.  I want someone to hold me accountable for when I slip up, and to give me purpose and direction for when I do well. 

A first post

Greetings.

You may call me puppy, pup, boy, fuckpup, whatever you'd like.  I'd just be greatful someone read it.  For a long time I kept paper journals that included sexual wishes and desires, but I never could post them to my main blog out of concern for privacy and a feeling that most of my friends wouldn't understand.  I hope this is a remedy to that. 

To introduce myself, I am in my mid 20's, gay, and hold a post-graduate degree.  I am currently in a long term relationship (going on well over four years now) who is not into D/s, M/s or any sort of BDSM.  This blog also is being started because my boyfriend does not wish to explore this with me, and seems very against it.  So in the meantime, this blog helps me sort through my thoughts and desires, and gives me a place to air feelings.  I will have a longer post soon, but I figured an intro post would be a good starter.